Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.

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And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

Do You Ever Feel Yourself Just Disappearing???…..

 I will admit that I am struggling with life right now. I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Alone. The only time I feel alive is when I am with him.

I am working on a project that is requiring more organizational skills than I possess. I am having to dig deep for this one and it is taking a toll on me.

I am setting up a studio of sorts. I want to reclaim my living space from piles of stuff I use to work on projects. Maybe some day, someone will want to come visit me and it would be nice for them to have a place to sit.

So for the last two days, I have worked on this project. Only seeing people when I go to buy shelving and when I get something to eat; otherwise, I am working on this project for hours and hours.

I will take something out of the room and take something into the room. There are things that must remain in the room and I have to work around those. There are things that will be used that are already in the room, they will just be re-purposed for a light table and not a computer desk.

I will set something on the shelf, trying to keep like things together and having many interest some of the items cross over from project to project. I may use something for home decor and jewelry. I may use it for photographing jewelry.  OMG… Does it go with home decor, jewelry, photography (insert scream here). So where does it live? Where does it belong? I kind of know how it feels right at this moment.

I have been so focused on this and thinking it would be easier than it is, that I am beginning to get lost and just wander with something in my hand asking myself  where does it go?

The introvert in my knows that it will totally be worth it and I can listen to my music and dance around in my underwear if I want to while I am working on this.

The extrovert in me screams….GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF MY OWN MIND. I NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. I NEED TO TALK.  I NEED COMPANIONSHIP. I NEED TO LAUGH!!!

Yet, it is silent, for the most part. I feel like I am slowly disappearing. I am becoming invisible. I am just this thing in these four walls then I move to another four walls for twelve hours and repeat the process.  The thought even crossed my mind, Am I going to die? Is there something in me preparing for others to go through my belongings when I am gone.

At this point, I feel like I am being left out of my own life.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from buying shelving for this project, I heard the song perfect by Pink.  Here is a link if you don’t know the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12L8Tus290I

I found myself driving up the road, tears rolling down my face. I feel so much like nothing right now. I feel  so much less than perfect right at this moment.

My house is a complete wreck but I knew going into it that I would have to tear down to build up. Sadly, I have had to do that way too many times in my life.

When I am Doing “Nothing”…

Right now I am in one of those non productive phases. I am not making jewelry, I am trying to figure out how to market the stock I currently have, so I am not making anything right now there is no point.

Yet, in the back of my head and on my many project surfaces, things are happening, they are just not being assembled. I am looking and thinking.

I am wanting to paint. Not that I can paint anything that anyone would know what it is, but I want to paint for the sheer feeling of the paint and the brush on the canvas.

On my long 12 hour shifts, the my thoughts go toward my person, future projects, editing photos that I may or may not share. Those things that matter most to me.

When I am “doing nothing”, my brain is quite busy. I may not be using my hands to piece together my jewelry, I may be forming a story that I am working on. The dream of being a storyteller will never die. It is a dream I have had for a very long time. I want to engage and inspire children through the spoken word. I love to take them on adventures and bring them back with just the sound of my voice. The image they see in the process is up to them.

I think about if my person and I could hit the road and make a living, truly make a living, doing what we love to do and make the world a better place, how fantastic that could be. This is another dream that will never die.

I may look like I am doing nothing but I am firing on all cylinders.

When my co-workers come in, I talk with them yet suddenly, I want them to go do their thing. I need time to think. They talk so much that the noise drowns out my thoughts. When they are gone, the story I am thinking about, the piece of jewelry I want to make, the thoughts of just sitting and painting a picture the world will never see, they all come rushing back into my mind, along with wondering if the person who holds my heart is resting well or if he is awake in the night working on his own projects.

So while it may look to most like I am still, that  I am serene, that I am placid, some may even say lazy, my brain is very busy. I know it is a time for me to rest, to think, to regroup.

I will again begin to produce products I want to share with the world but for now, I wait, in the stillness of the night, in my own thoughts.

How Do You Write when You Don’t Know How to Say Exactly What You Are Feeling?

I have a lot on my mind. Right now, I have to be careful how I say things because they can be misinterpreted. So it is one of those times I need to be still.

My mom tells me this a great deal. Just be still. Wait. There is a plan for your life.

There are certain things I want to happen. Some are not totally up to me. Some don’t involve me directly. Some I am working on a plan and learning new things to make it happen.

There are things I want to say, not sure how to say them any plainer than I already have. When they seem to go unheard or unacknowledged. Then I worry. I fret. I over think.

I fall into this pit of “what have I done wrong”. Only to find out it is nothing.

I am trying to break this cycle, last night however the fear won out over the faith. The worry won over the peace. I spent a sleepless night tossing and turning.

I try to be a go with the flow kind of person, this is one of my short comings as a human being, I don’t always do that. No matter how much I want to be “chill”, certain things fill me with fear.

It is what it is. I can’t change who I am overnight. If I could, this would be one part I would change in  a hot minute.

I know it goes back to my own insecurities. There is one question I ask my best friend all the time. She says she doesn’t see what I see. Sometimes, and I am not discounting what she says at all, but sometimes you need to hear the right thing from the right person.

I have so many things running through my mind, that I didn’t even know where to begin when I started typing. I guess this is how you write….just sit and do it. Spill your heart and your guts. Just write it. Reread it. Maybe it will help you understand you better.