When Your Soul Is Tired….

There is no tired worse than when your soul is tired.

I have been telling people when I would have a few moments of peace that those moments were good for my soul.

The other day, it all collapsed on me at once. It wasn’t one thing it was multiple things.

The thing that really got me thinking that I needed to care for my soul was when they found my neighbor dead.

At that point, I decided my soul needed to rest. It needed care, I wasn’t sure how to start; I began by emptying out. My journal has been busy. I have been writing about all those things that were making me weary.

I didn’t use this time to make anything. I haven’t even stepped foot in my workroom. I cleaned my living space. It tends to get cluttered when my mind is cluttered.

I filled up, I listened to only music that inspired me. I joined the local gym to take care of my body, I read  a book about a strong woman that I admire.

I took some time to relax and watch some movies that make me laugh.

I gave myself a facial, I gave myself a pedicure and a manicure, I took care of my skin.

I fed my mind and my body and ultimately my soul.

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You Have To Be Okay With It

I am depressed. I am aware of this fact. I am swishing back and forth between eating too much and making myself physically sick and not eating at all.

All I want to do is sleep. If I am sleeping, I’m not thinking. So sleep wins.

I am for the most part avoiding social media as far as putting anything personal out there, no one needs to know what I am feeling right now. I am not putting my work out there anymore. A decision I came to today. This is kind of where this bout of depression started anyway.

The support I give to others is not given in return so I will work in silence and keep it to myself for now. It is not like it matters to anyone else anyway.

There has been a great deal going on in my life with medical issues and tests. I have had some tests to take at work, I have agreed to teach a class on jewelry making, only to prove one single point.

I need to get past that and maybe things will get better.

Someone recently reminded me that I am a beautiful, sexy creature, going into detail what they would like to do with me. It made me feel good that someone noticed, made me feel bad that it was the wrong person.

They reminded that I am a person who likes to be desired and to a point, I was starving for that. I am not the woman that men look at with desire. I am not what most men look at with lust in their eyes.

I am the type of woman that supports you and doesn’t ask anything in return. I am your biggest cheerleader, I will do anything to make something happen for you only to be overlooked.

So when someone tells you that they desire to touch your body, it scares and thrills you at the same time. You go from oh wow to what do you want from me in like 2.2 seconds.

The thing is that this man knows what he wants and is not shy saying it.

All this is temporary, it will all pass and things will go back to normal. My job is to ride out the storm. I may have to sleep through it but I am okay with that.

Taking Care of The Feminine Goddess….

Tonight, I care for my inner goddess. Every woman has one she just may not acknowledge it as freely as I do.

Women are warriors. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom, trying to climb the corporate ladder, building your own business, trying to save the world or to simply save yourself. You are a warrior.

Tonight, I began caring for her by changing the bed she will sleep in. I draped soft sheets over the mattress so they will feel good next to her skin.

I lit a relaxation candle and allowed her to inhale the natural eculyptus that filled the room. I gave the room soft lighting.

I fixed her a healthy steak dinner and washed her dishes. I apologized to her when I had to give her a shot in the stomach. A result of not taking better care of her in the past.

I washed her face and moisturized her skin seeing how tired she looked but promising to do better.

I washed her hair and combed it 100 strokes. I fingered moouse through the strands of her hair. I would allow it to air dry because it is more gentle on her hair.

I dressed her in her favorite garment. The one nobody else has ever seen.

I allowed her to soak her feet and gave her toes a new coat of color.

I rubbed lotion over the curves of her body. She reminded me that she didn’t hate those as much as she once did. She sighed as I rubbed the lotion on her legs and feet.

I fed her a snack of fresh kiwis and strawberries.

I made her a cup of chamomile tea and tucked her into bed.

An evening of self care has made a world of difference in the woman who tries to be a warrior, the kind that wants to save the world.

And Then Came Peace…

In my last post, I wrote about my pastor. What we were afraid was going to happen, happened. His transition has come. Sunday night just before midnight, he left his Earthly home.

My folks called and told me. They called the other members of the church and told them.

Sleep did not come that night. Plenty of tears but not a moments sleep. The next day was my great nieces birthday and we had planned a girls day to take her to breakfast. My mom questioned if we should continue on, we decided that we should.

We went and had breakfast. I didn’t eat a lot. I had no appetite. I went back to my mom’s to take a nap. It never came. I rode to town to speak with my supervisor in case I needed to take off work. My person wanted to go have lunch. Once again, not hungry for food just his company. I told him what I was thinking. The loss, we as a collective group, was feeling. How it was effecting my parents. I just needed to be near him. I needed to know he was there.  I was tired. I hadn’t slept much on Sunday and none on Sunday night. I wasn’t much company but we were together. It helped to talk to him.

I worked last night. I had plenty of time to think. I firmly believe that we as humans are eternal beings in a temporary flesh dwelling. We are not meant to stay here forever. We are here for a limited time. Yet, I still struggle when someone I loves leaves their flesh house.

I use the term flesh house because a house is a dwelling. Not to sound cliche’ but home is where the heart dwells.

I wrestle with what I know and what I feel. What I know is that they are relieved of pain and worry. What I feel is selfishness, plain and simple. That is what grief is. We have lost that familiar. We have lost that thing we never thought we would lose yet here we are and we helpless and out of control; because WE ARE. We don’t control anything.

Today, I got ready for work and I hadn’t  been  around people. Something kept telling me that I needed to go to my church which is just outside town. I drove up there and I was listening to the song “something in the water. “

As I stood there, I took a picture of the three crosses in the church yard. There was a  cloud looming behind them. As I stood there, a light mist of rain began. It was almost as if there was something in the water. Peace, peace came to me right there on the side of a hill.

This Is Not Fun….At the Moment…

Part of my philosophy of doing my craft is if it isn’t fun, don’t do it. If it doesn’t interest you don’t do it. There are things I have struggled with before but they interested me so it was fun even though I had difficulty with it.

I am in a spot where I don’t find it fun in any way nor do I really have an interest in the particular technique. I have intentionally stayed away from it because other people I know do it.

It is wire wrapping.

For some it comes easily. For me,  it does not. I have tried it before, several times with little to no success. For me it is like milking a lizard. It ain’t happening. I have spent the last week practicing. Wrapping, cussing, throwing away overused wire, salvaging the pieces I can to make bails for other pieces.

It is an exercise in patience. It has been requested that I do this for a piece I am making but I am struggling. All the other changes have been made, every one they requested. They being the people who jurored it for a gallery. It is just this one thing that is holding me back. I have put everything in front of this because I knew what it would be.

I don’t want to say it is difficult for me. I want to learn how to do it for the sake of getting into the gallery. Will I use it often? That is to be determined.

Just right at this moment, I am frustrated; with myself. Am I using the right wire? Is there something I should be doing differently? Obviously. Why can’t I do this? I DON’T KNOW. I am not whining, I am trying to help me by talking to you all and maybe if there is something that is making you crazy you won’t feel so alone.

Hellooooo….. is there anyone out there who deals with things like this??

I want to learn it, just right now I am struggling.

The lady who requested this adjustment is one of those people who said “You can teach yourself just check out this web site”. I have. That one and many more. I am not unteachable, I am just standing in my own way.

I know I will get it. Just like everything else I do. I am aware that some things come to us easier than others but it is just another hill to climb. I tried for six hours last night  only to get so frustrated I threw it across the room. That’s okay. I have to learn to crawl before I walk, walk before I jog and jog before I run.

Right now I am crawling and I have to be okay with that. I know all the wrong things to do, at some point the right thing to do will click and bam, it will work but for now, patience, practice and persistence.

 

When You Don’t Feel Your Best…

I just have felt 100% today, I woke up early and just sort of laid around. I am cutting some of the sugar from my diet in an effort to lose some weight. I did few physically easy things but mostly I just laid around. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just rested, not sleeping just laying.

Last night, I had let a couple of family issues get the better of me and it got my dander up. Then lonely kicked in. That sucked. Sometimes you just need somebody to be there.

I hadn’t been at work long tonight before I got dizzy. I sat there and just kind of let the room spin around me. I had some dinner coming but it wasn’t getting here soon enough.

I had something with me just in case I need it. My arm went numb and now my eye feels funny. I have done the looking mirror, there is no visible drooping. I stuck my tongue out it is straight.

I do notice I have some trouble focusing on the words that pop up on my screen and reading them back. I am in a good place to be checked, if need be.

For now, I will just keep a watch. I think it is okay. Time will tell.

Cuts Run Deep…

I take peoples actions at face value. People lie thorough their teeth. I see it all the time.

Last night my very own sister cut me to the bone. I haven’t said anything to anyone and I won’t , people don’t understand that I see right through masks.

I was standing in a business establishment and she spoke to everyone there except me. She stood kind of behind me so that she thought I couldn’t see her.

She conducted her business and left. I spoke to her but she seemed uncomfortable. We live in a small town and everyone knows we are sisters and I was even asked about it after she left.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged it off. I thought about it last night. I even made a pintrest board about hurt.

When her world has fallen apart, I have always been there. When she got into trouble, I was there. When my world fell apart almost six years ago, she was a ghost. She hasn’t been in my house since my husband was buried.

So, when I hurt, I hide it. Right now, I feel like no one wants me around. I feel like I am bothering everyone so when someone gives me a pseudo time limit, I  try not to over stay my welcome.

Only once in my life have I had to completely close the door to save myself from hurt, maybe it is time to do that again. I will still love her, maybe I’ll just have to love her from a distance. I don’t ask her to carry my burdens. Never have.

So for now, I lick my wounds and I work on my projects and to the world, I pretend like I am not hurting. Inside my home, I cry. That’s okay. It’s not the first time. Just don’t let anyone else see the tears and the hurt. Maybe it is time for me to wear a mask for a while.