You Have To Be Okay With It

I am depressed. I am aware of this fact. I am swishing back and forth between eating too much and making myself physically sick and not eating at all.

All I want to do is sleep. If I am sleeping, I’m not thinking. So sleep wins.

I am for the most part avoiding social media as far as putting anything personal out there, no one needs to know what I am feeling right now. I am not putting my work out there anymore. A decision I came to today. This is kind of where this bout of depression started anyway.

The support I give to others is not given in return so I will work in silence and keep it to myself for now. It is not like it matters to anyone else anyway.

There has been a great deal going on in my life with medical issues and tests. I have had some tests to take at work, I have agreed to teach a class on jewelry making, only to prove one single point.

I need to get past that and maybe things will get better.

Someone recently reminded me that I am a beautiful, sexy creature, going into detail what they would like to do with me. It made me feel good that someone noticed, made me feel bad that it was the wrong person.

They reminded that I am a person who likes to be desired and to a point, I was starving for that. I am not the woman that men look at with desire. I am not what most men look at with lust in their eyes.

I am the type of woman that supports you and doesn’t ask anything in return. I am your biggest cheerleader, I will do anything to make something happen for you only to be overlooked.

So when someone tells you that they desire to touch your body, it scares and thrills you at the same time. You go from oh wow to what do you want from me in like 2.2 seconds.

The thing is that this man knows what he wants and is not shy saying it.

All this is temporary, it will all pass and things will go back to normal. My job is to ride out the storm. I may have to sleep through it but I am okay with that.


The Confessional….

In my office, I am the Mama Hen. I work with 6 guys. I am older than all of them. Much older.

I send these guys into harms way on a nightly basis. They depend on me to get them the information they need to be safe. I am a 911 dispatcher.

I worry about “my boys”. If they have to be out on a call that is difficult, if they have to travel on bad roads, I worry about them. My job is to make sure they home to their families safely.

Now,  guys will rag on each other. They compare muscles and daring feats they have performed. They are dudes. When they speak to me though it is different. I can hold my own with them and I get in a good shot every now and then. It catches them by surprises from time to time but over all they are getting used to when I get cranked up, I can give them grief.

As a collective group they are a rowdy group of oversized boys.

When they wander into the office individually, that is when I know they want to talk about something a little deeper.

It may be their marriage, their kids, their spouses sickness and this was just last night.

They know that they can talk to me and I will be honest. I will listen sometimes giving advice, sometimes just being a sounding board.

Last night, the one I have know longest. The leader of the pack, came in and talked to me. His wife is sick and they are having trouble getting her built back up and it has come to the place where he is worried.

Been there and done that. You need to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. It is getting to the place where it is scary for him and he is a tough guy. He has seriously been through some stuff.

I asked how he was dealing with his stress. He has to be on top of his game mentally and physically. He told me that he works out.

Being a walker for several  years and not much more of  a workout I asked him some questions. He is building muscle. I am trying to lose fat and not get saggy. Pushing fifty and being over weight all my teen and adult life. I have to be careful.

We talked about our gym at work, which is good enough for me but doesn’t have the equipment he wants. He told me some things that might help me. He told me which machines to use at the gym.

He talked about what he lifts when he goes to work out and how he encourages the new guys who come in. He even went so far as to tell me that he doesn’t lift heavy in front of new guys because it could discourage him.

I told him that being fat, I didn’t want to go to the gym. He asked me why. I said you are a dude. You aren’t going to judge the new guy coming into the gym. Women are catty. They are going to totally just the size of your ass; how quickly you get winded; if you can’t do it right the first time. They are going to judge you.

He looked at me straight in the eye and said, everybody starts at the same place. The bottom. I didn’t go in lifting what I do now. I used to be embarrassed when I would see other guys lifting triple what I did. It has taken me three years to get to this point.

They he said the thing that really gave me a shot in the arm. He said “And further more, I don’t see you giving a damn”. After he left the office, I thought about what he had said. Why do I give a damn. I am not doing it for them, I am not doing it for vanity sake. I am doing it for my health. I need to get some issues under control and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well.

I think I will go check it out. I may or may not go until warm weather when I can get out and walk more. I would rather be out in nature anyway.

This time, the confessional was meant for me to reveal my insecurities and maybe for my healing.


A Dinosaurs View of Dating Today…

I am one of those people who can talk to people of all ages. I have friends in their 20s and on up.

Tonight one of them called me and wanted to know if wanted to have dinner with him. I told him I had already eaten and promised him a rain check. His dad is a really good friend of mine. He has recently moved back from where his parents moved to and he is still not reacclimated to small town life.

I have a friend who is 22. She makes me think of myself a great deal. She is funny, smart, introverted, she had just not had the best luck with guys. She has been attracted to a certain type of guy and they have treated her like crap.

Not too long ago, she told me she was going to give herself 6 months before she dated anyone.

Now being a teen in the 1980s meeting people and dating was somewhat different.

This was when phones still had a cord and you would lay in the floor with your feet propped up on the wall and they could hear you giggle or shyly respond to a compliment.  They had to actually ask you out on a date. At my house, your parents met them before you left with them. You had to be careful because the whole family could hear what you were saying and believe me, my folks were listening.

Back in a time before texting and smart phones. We didn’t have messenger or tinder where you swipe one way of you are interested or the other way if you’re not. The only way this dinosaur knows about this stuff is that she has 20 something friends.

You were either dating back in the day or you were just friends. There was not a term called “we’re talking”. If you wanted to communicate you had to talk.

Sorry, I wandered. My friend was going to stay single for six months. Here is a sure fired way to meet someone, give up, swear off dating, give yourself the power to decide what you want, so someone can swoop in and shake you up to your very core.

I know this; it has happened to me twice. Both times turned out great or at least the second one has so far. The first time it happened there was an 18 1/2 year marriage.

The second I have enjoyed keeping company or talking to or whatever it is you do nowadays for 5ish years.

This was after being lied to and cheated on by this lame, cowboy wanna be.  So I know what it is like to say, nah I’d rather be alone.

And right on schedule a handsome, charming, brilliant man notices me. Still trying to understand what he sees in me but I ain’t knocking it.

So the night she told me about the six month thing, I told her to buckle her seatbelt. He came out of no where. He wasn’t on her radar. She was taken aback that he absolutely flipped over her. I see her point of view, I would feel the same way.

She of course started with I have never dated anyone like him before  and being the brutally honest type I said and those turned out so well.

Then she started finding little quirks about him. I knew what was happening, she was running scared. She told me in the past that she had done all the chasing, that when someone was interested in her she got more emotionally invested than they did and a lot faster.

She got spooked. He will drive three hours to spend time with her. He has taken her to meet his parents. He tells her that she is perfect. She doesn’t know what to do with that. I told her to enjoy it. I remember when someone told me I was perfect and beautiful although I couldn’t see it myself. That was another life time. It would take someone seeing it before I admitted it to myself .

She is at the point where he wants to meet her parents and she isn’t sure she is ready for that. I get it, there are family members that I don’t want to subject my person to simply to protect him from them. Family will latch on and pick something apart and ruin something good if you are not careful.

She doesn’t know how to handle this. She is not sure of her feelings. I told her to take her time. Not to make any rash decisions either way, to enjoy the time they spend together.

I understand walls, I have them but if he truly loves her, he will slowly tap and chip away at that wall. If he tries to bulldoze it down she will run like a rabbit.

I don’t know how it will end. I listen to her, weigh in when asked, choose my words so carefully that she made a comment that she sees the wheels turning.

She wants the fairytale. I truly hope she gets it. I have just seen enough of life to realize that everyone seems to think that everything is disposable, including relationships. I don’t see life that way, never have and I guess I never will. I take commitment seriously. I have lived through the worst thing I could. Guess that’s a good thing about being around before swipe left, swipe right and such existed.


Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.


Stillness In The Eye of The Storm…

So when I was going through my recent bout of anxiety, I got to the point where all I could do was pray. It wasn’t a pretty prayer. It was me at bottom going God I have no where else to look. I need some answers. I need you to help me with this thing. I need you and I need you now.

God is right on time every time. I listened after I prayed. I was taught a lesson in life. I was taught a lesson in humility. I was reminded of some happy times as a child where I overcame my fears and I was told to reach out to others, which I haven’t done in a while.

God showed me through the art that I do how I am being put through the same fire. It will strengthen me just as it does the glass I work with.

I was reminded that I had always allowed my fear to stand in the way of things and it had cost me hours of fun that once I overcame that it was some of the best times of my childhood.

I was reminded that in times of internal struggle, I should turn outward and present others to the world. Build others up. I have cousins who are photographers and jewelry makers just as I am. My person is an artist, he paints and sculpts and so much more. A friend of mine grows pumpkins, his art is in nature. I have three friends who bake cakes. My sister does floral design. My niece is a cosmetologist, her art is done on the human body.  Instead of waiting for them to promote me which none of them do, promote them, not wanting anything in return, just to be kind. Just to show that talent is all around me. I won’t share everything the post but I will try to help them if I can. There are different types of creativity.

In the middle of the chaos of my own making, I found silence in the eye of the storm. I was made aware of a great deal of things. I have now put them into place. Some don’t and won’t understand it. I have to be okay with that. It is not their life. It is mine. I want us all to win. Simple yet so hard for some to understand.


When The Heavens Cry With You….

My pastor is “dying”. I prefer the term transitioning to his permanent home.   He was sent home this morning, from the hospital with Hospice care. He was transported to one of the big hospitals on Thursday. This morning his wife and children heard the words I have heard before. “We’ve done all we can do”.

That very moment is when you start functioning in survival mode. You have arrangements to make. You have to make sure someone is there to care for them. Luckily, this is a family of a wife, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren who are old enough to help out.

When he heard the news, he told them that he wanted to go home. So they went home. Last report, the nurse was with him where he resides getting him settled in.

We live in a small mountain community and we are a very small but loving congregation. We have been in constant contact for the past three weeks since he got severely ill.

He has been at our church for 23 years. He has driven 50 miles, three times a week to preach to us. He made numerous trips to the same hospital and others when things were going wrong in my world. He has been in my home when we were facing death to let my husband know that he was loved and cared for even when his own family would not come around.

When my husband died, he was right here in my home providing love and comfort.

After making sure my parents were okay after getting the news, I went for a long drive. I was alone and I could cry as hard as I wanted. It was raining buckets almost as if the heavens themselves could feel my pain.

I cry for his wife and his children knowing what they will be facing. I cried for our church, we have a heartache that unless you have felt it, you don’t understand. My tears are not for where he is going. He is heading to Heaven, where his heart and lungs will not be an issue. I cry out of selfishness. I will miss him.

He has been our spiritual leader, our burden bearer, our under shepherd taking care of  the flock. You have a tremendous amount of respect and love for him.

We are independent. We don’t have someone to come in and fill that spot, not that anyone could take his place.

So for now, we as a collective group try to carry on. We will have a fill in preacher tomorrow. We do what we have to do to cope. One lady went and rode with her husband in a dump truck so she would not  be alone. My mom carried beans to the can house to stay busy. I went for a long drive and had a good cry.  We all handle it differently.

My prayer for his is that his crossing be gentle. He has been a faithful servant.

My solace??? I can just imagine my husband looking at him when he crosses and saying “Well Preacher, what are you doing here?”



We Are Glass….

I don’t know anyone who is truly and entirely happy. Nobody.

Everyone is worrying about something.

I worry about everything. It is what it is.

In the past week, I have had someone come to me with a very personal problem and all I could tell her is what I have experience with. I have not walked in her shoes so I couldn’t say I would do this. I know what I think I would do but I have not been there.

She was pretty torn up when she was talking to me. She wanted me to tell her what to do but I wouldn’t. I just told her a story and asked her some questions.

It was up to her to make her own decision. Tonight, she came and talked with me and thanked me. She told me that she had thought about what I had said. It had helped her. She told me that she appreciated my honesty and being up front with her.

Today, she asked me some more hard questions. I told her I didn’t know those answers either. She said it just made her feel better to be able to talk to me about it. I told her that things would work out just as they should.

She is very much like me. We have a commonality. She looks to me as a person who she has known since childhood but now sees that sees me as someone she can come to for advice on the tough stuff.

Tonight, I really didn’t want to work. It was a beautiful day outside and I just wanted to point my car in the other direction and just go. I knew where I wanted to be. In one of the most peaceful places I can imagine.

We are all glass. We break easily. Life can break your spirit, like it did with this young woman. Sometimes it can leave you with more questions than answers. You just have to wade through and try to work it out.

Maybe today, I was supposed to be here for more than one reason. Maybe I needed to here to hear that I made a difference.