Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.

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And Then Came Peace…

In my last post, I wrote about my pastor. What we were afraid was going to happen, happened. His transition has come. Sunday night just before midnight, he left his Earthly home.

My folks called and told me. They called the other members of the church and told them.

Sleep did not come that night. Plenty of tears but not a moments sleep. The next day was my great nieces birthday and we had planned a girls day to take her to breakfast. My mom questioned if we should continue on, we decided that we should.

We went and had breakfast. I didn’t eat a lot. I had no appetite. I went back to my mom’s to take a nap. It never came. I rode to town to speak with my supervisor in case I needed to take off work. My person wanted to go have lunch. Once again, not hungry for food just his company. I told him what I was thinking. The loss, we as a collective group, was feeling. How it was effecting my parents. I just needed to be near him. I needed to know he was there.  I was tired. I hadn’t slept much on Sunday and none on Sunday night. I wasn’t much company but we were together. It helped to talk to him.

I worked last night. I had plenty of time to think. I firmly believe that we as humans are eternal beings in a temporary flesh dwelling. We are not meant to stay here forever. We are here for a limited time. Yet, I still struggle when someone I loves leaves their flesh house.

I use the term flesh house because a house is a dwelling. Not to sound cliche’ but home is where the heart dwells.

I wrestle with what I know and what I feel. What I know is that they are relieved of pain and worry. What I feel is selfishness, plain and simple. That is what grief is. We have lost that familiar. We have lost that thing we never thought we would lose yet here we are and we helpless and out of control; because WE ARE. We don’t control anything.

Today, I got ready for work and I hadn’t  been  around people. Something kept telling me that I needed to go to my church which is just outside town. I drove up there and I was listening to the song “something in the water. “

As I stood there, I took a picture of the three crosses in the church yard. There was a  cloud looming behind them. As I stood there, a light mist of rain began. It was almost as if there was something in the water. Peace, peace came to me right there on the side of a hill.

Leave it there….

Sometimes your view of things can get skewed. Mine has recently. I got too focused on the wrong things.I have felt like I wasn’t enough for anybody.  Things I can do nothing about, things I shouldn’t worry about but I do. Life will unfold as it is supposed to.

I needed to hit the reset button.

My sleep was pretty nonexistent. In the past 48 hours I had slept 6 hours. This is not healthy for mind or body.

I slept 2 hours last night. I got up and with the sole intent of wearing my body out, I set off on a hike. Of course I took my camera along. I noticed my focus was on the clouds. Looking up to where my help comes from.

I climbed mountains today both emotionally and physically.

I sat on the side of one of said mountains and had a little talk with myself. I made sure that I left that conversation on that mountain.

I left that place exhausted. I had left everything I had there.

I came home and I slept for 10 hours. I slept so hard, I awoke with a head ache. That is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

On the Other Side…

Tonight on my watch, a woman died.

There was nothing I could do to stop it.

Everyone done exactly what they were supposed to do but it wasn’t meant to be.

I didn’t know her personally but God did, does and will.

She was walking through her home and suddenly she wasn’t there anymore.

I broke an unwritten rule. I sat here and I cried. Not for me, not even for her; I cried for her husband who tomorrow morning will wake up to an entirely new existence. The sun will rise tomorrow. I remember that first night. I also remember that the sun came up the next day. I also knew that escaping a sick earthly home is a gift. Still I hurt. This gentleman will hurt also.

I know what that is like. It isn’t easy. As I sat here, I thought of this song that brought me such peace in those early days. I would sit and listen to this song, tears rolling down my face but knowing that he had no more pain or suffering.

I don’t know how this husbands peace will come, but it will. God provides us peace when it is needed most.

In this world where everyone thinks that they will live forever, we are reminded that it is appointed to man (and woman) to leave this mortal clay at their assigned time.

Share your I love yous today. You may not have tomorrow or that person that you love might not have a tomorrow. They might be on the other side.

I Had To Laugh…

I got to spend the day with my person. We had a great day just roaming around. Just exploring seeing what we could see, sometime riding around in circles. There was  a large amount of laughter.

I work night shift so my mom calls to make sure I am awake for work. She worries that I sleep so soundly that I won’t hear my alarm.

Today she called me as usual. She talked to me for a couple of minutes. She asked me if I was awake. I said yes. She asked me where I was. I told her. She asked me what I was doing. I told her that also. What I didn’t tell her was who I was with. She didn’t ask. I  would of told her had she asked. She knows who I want to spend my time with. Then she asked me about some cake I brought home yesterday.

Suddenly, right in the middle of her rant about me getting the wrong cake,  she said, Oh you are not alone. I’ll let you go. Bye. I tried not to laugh. It was hard to do. It was like she had just walked in on something she shouldn’t have.

Now, I am a middle aged woman and my mother respects the fact that I value the time alone with my person. Just as he respects the time I spend with her. She knows how I feel about him. I think everyone who has seen us knows how I feel about him. I don’t hide it very well.

We are both very private for the most part, I am probably more open with my feelings. I am more vocal about wanting to make memories and how he makes me feel.

You have to remember that 5 years ago the world as I knew it ended and now I know the value of time and not to take even one second for granted.

I would have also never thought there would be a chance in you know where that he would want to share time with me.

I don’t have the best image of myself, although, I will admit I have come a long way. So when we started talking, I couldn’t see him having an interest in me at all. From the moment I met him, I knew he was someone that I wanted in my world.

He is so smart and he has taught me so much. He lets me explore not only the world around me but the world within me as well. He is one of the most amazing people I have every had the pleasure of knowing. I tell him that all the time. I just wish he could see himself through my eyes.

I want to spend every moment I can loving him, being with him, laughing with him.

I come from a place where plan A was to sit on the side of the road and die. To plan B which is to live every moment of my life to the fullest.

After walking through the fog of grief and the oddness of loving someone in a very different way yet just as strongly. I am living my life.

Even if I do get a chuckle out of it from time to time.

The Sea of Mediocrity

I often find myself swimming in the sea of mediocrity.

I know when this swim started. It was when I apologized to a group of people I felt I had let down and only a couple of people even let on like I had said a word. Why did I even bother?? I never let on like it bothered me. Why should I?

I often find me comparing myself to others. My family, my person, my friends and I always seem to feel like I come up lacking.

In my family, I am the only one childless. I have gotten used to this fact. I accepted it a long time ago but still, I wonder what it would have been like to bring another human being into the world. In my current state of being, I am thankful that I never had children to have to raise on my own.

My person is so smart. He is a freaking genius. He is uber creative.  I try to explain something to him and half way through the little person living in my brain is like “SHUT UP”!!! I, however, continue to babble, taking the longest way around any given subject as possible and he patiently listens. He then responds and makes me think about things differently.

He gives me new experiences. He takes me to places and we do things that I have never done before. Like yesterday, went into a shop that sold flavor infused olive oil and vinaigrette. We sampled the different flavors and he talked to the young woman in the shop about how the flavors could be used in different ways. Not being a gourmet cook, I didn’t have much to add to the conversation. Still, I had a blast. I have never wandered too far from my comfort zone and home. So having adventures and trying new things are way up there on my list.

I see the projects he works on and my jaw just drops. As much as I study and I try, I will never be able to do what he does so  I just sit over here in the corner playing with glue.

I look at him and I forget to breathe. Yes, honestly, I have to say breathe every time I see him, I have told him before and still after all this time, he takes my breath away.  I wonder why someone like him wants to spend time with someone like me. What does he see that I don’t??

I am not drop dead gorgeous nor am I hideous. I am average.

Here are somethings that I have noticed just today. I make some pretty cool stuff. Not as intricate as what my person does, but not bad for someone who struggles to call themselves an artist. Actually, some of the stuff I have made tonight is pretty dang cool. I am even branching out and doing new things and I am kind of proud of them. I think they will sell pretty quickly.

I also noticed that although I struggle with my weight, when I looked in the mirror today, I didn’t see the fat girl anymore. I ain’t half bad for an old gal, shoot, some days I am down right cute. I cut a good figure in my uniform and the pants make my butt look good, so there.

Sometimes you have to swim in the sea of mediocrity to realize that you are worth a little more than you thought. You have to struggle with you plainness to see how exceptional you can be.

The negative committee in your head is just your insecurities coming to the surface like sharks circling as you are swimming with all your might. The cool thing is  that if you just be still, you don’t give credence  to them, they will slip away just as quietly as the appeared.

The Boss Says….

I work one of those jobs where holidays and weekends aren’t really a thing anymore. You work when you work, you’re off when you’re off and someone HAS to be there 24/7.  What you do is enjoy every moment of time off and sunshine that you can.

It is the first day of the long week. The first day, you don’t sleep as much as you do the other days. You have slept the night before. You body is in flux. It doesn’t know what it needs.

This was also the first day with the weight lifting coach. She knows her stuff, she has been doing it for years and she will not let you do it  wrong. You can get hurt real quick.

I had uped my steps on my fitbit step count this weekend. You wouldn’t think setting that thing up 2,000 steps would make a difference, let me tell you it does. My stumpy little legs are feeling it.

The weekend I was alone.

I didn’t prefer to be alone but I was, so I made the most of it.

I walked around the local park, the local high school track, up the hill to another park. I put in my music, zoned out and started walking.

I let the music set the pace for when my feet hit the ground… the playlist includes songs like “Roar”, “Another One Bites the Dust”, “What are You Waiting For”, “Try Everything”, “Be Good To Yourself”, “Carry On”, “Me Too”, “No”, “I Was Here”, “Work”, “Wild Child”, there are others but these are some of my favs. When Carry On is playing and I hear “If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on, may your path be the sound of your feet upon the ground”, I feel like they are singing right to me. Whatever, you have to carry on.

On Saturday we had our small town Independence Day Parade. The streets were lined with people and I didn’t know anyone near me. I was alone but behind the camera, I was invisible.   I did get some fantastic images of the fire trucks and old cars that I played with and they turned out great. They ceased being photos many edits back but I thought they were awesome.  Then I went and bowled a couple of games, by myself,  it was cool inside and I was tired of looking at the same things, even Oscar (the red breasted bird) and Felix (the bird with the yellow feathers). I rode miles and miles on nothing but dirt roads.

On Sunday, I went to church, went to lunch with the family and becoming bored with walking around the local walking areas, I hit the road. I wound up in a park in another town and I walked there. There were different things to see so while I was walking, I made some decisions.

I am my own cheerleader when I am walking. I am the boss, I can quit anytime I want  but the boss doesn’t quit and believe me, there are times I want to; but then, I see what it is doing for me. I can climb a hill and be less out of breath, my uniform pants are already beginning to fit me a little less snugly. I feel better about the skin I am in and it is helping me mentally and creatively. I can go walk and come back home and work like a bandit. It is showing in the sales on my site as well. I am more rested both mentally and physically.

It is a challenge I undertook for one reason and I am finding it to be beneficial to me, for a totally different reason.

I am expending more physical energy so I am worrying less about what I am always doing wrong, no matter what is going on in my life, I have  always been made to feel like it is my fault. I did something wrong. I cause it, whatever it is. That should stop…. yesterday.

 I am always worrying about why my jewelry is not selling, I am worrying about something or someone at all time.

That is useless. It is a waste of energy. It is wasting my life, all this worrying.

Now, with aching legs, I worry less. I don’t want to sleep the whole day away. I want to get up and move. I want to do it the right way this time, not just getting the cardio but also toning as I go, this is what I lacked last time; of course, last time it was a whole different reason for me to walk, it was a survival walk. I did it to save my life.

So when my legs hurt, when I am tired, when I am sweaty, when I look like crap, when I am out of breath, I am the one who encourages me to move forward. Just one more step, just one more lap, just one …..

I didn’t meet my goal today. Am I disappointed??? Nah, I tried. I got up and I walked, I toned, I ate better, I drank more water. Did I get 12,000 steps no but I took the most important one, the first one.

So the boss says that’s okay, you can try again tomorrow.