Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.


Sometimes Being at Peace Is More Important Than Being Right…

Today, I let my curiosity get the better of me. I wound up being upset.

Something I had given a great number of hours and a good deal of money to was attempting to be recreated.

Now, as before those “in charge” don’t get the idea behind it. It is still their program. Only now, they are allowing facilitators are being compensated. Not a great deal but still being compensated. They allowed another facilitator and myself to provide ideas, supplies and our time for nothing. Now, being employed with them at the time, I could see dissing me.

Not him. He was a volunteer. His time, his talent, his stuff. They never once offered to  compensate him. I mentioned several time about it but I was just blown off.

This was one of  the straws that broke the camels hump with me.

I gave it my all and in the end it was not good enough.

Now having said all that, I am very happy where I am. I can give my creative energy to my own projects and not theirs.

I do still have a bad taste about it though. They didn’t listen to the people. They had their preconceived ideas and no matter what, their minds were not going to be changed.

After I found some things out, a wonderful day became a crappy one, I was kind of still on a cloud after spending time with him yesterday. I am still allowing those people who had no place in my life anymore still have an effect on my emotions.

I called my mom and she gave me some words of wisdom. She reminded me that the devil knows our weaknesses and he will play on those. That is what was happening. I just took a few moments to allow the emotions I was feeling to be real then I cranked up my music, regrouped and refocused my energy on working on the new studio, I found out that I can get a great deal done when I am in that mood.

When I got ready for work, I stopped by a local eatery and there were two couples I knew from that time in my life and they all told me how they missed me and how things were not the same. Hugs were exchanged and they all asked if I was enjoying the new chapter in my life. I assured them that I was much happier.

When I came into work, there was a gift basket from a lady I had talked to on the worst night of her life.

Somehow, when you focus on the good, the bad just kind of flows away.

A Daydreaming Kind of Day…

Today was a sick day for me. I just haven’t felt up to par the last couple of day.

I worked on a couple of projects, laid on the couch and read, and I daydreamed…..about him.

When I daydream he is always there. When I dream at all he is always there.

I thought about our day on Sunday and the time we had spent together. I thought about the meal we had shared and the dessert we had split and as clumsy as it was how I tried to flirt. I don’t even know if he knew I was making the attempt. I thought about what he was doing with his day and if he was okay.

I thought how he is the only person I would want to come into my space and see how I am in my soul.How I thrive in my space as cluttered and messy as it is, I would want him to be here. To see the me that no one else is allowed to see. To see who I am and what I do when I create something new. I want to share that part of me with him but I don’t ask for fear he would tell me no.  He knows me far better than anyone else. I keep nothing from him; Everything I am, I enjoy, I pursue… I share with him.

He is my person. He is who I long to spend time with. He is the one who makes my heart smile. He is the knight in battered armor in Chapter 2 of my life. I say battered armor because shining armor has not seen hardship and battles. Battered armor has protected him during battle so that he could reach this time and this place.

I wrote some after my daydreaming. I want him to read those writings some day, when I get my nerve up. Until then, I will just daydream.