Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.


My Staycation is Over…

My staycation has been a heavily guarded secret. Four people knew outright that I was taking a week off besides my co-workers.

I sit here on a Sunday evening, on my front porch, watching the sun start to set. This time tomorrow night I will be back at work.

It is quite. Not a great deal of traffic comes by here on Sunday evening. Not like other days. I am listening to a Van Morrison song I heard last night. I imagine what it would be like to be in his arms, swaying to this song. It is “When the Leaves Come Falling Down”, you should give it a listen. I have just left him yet, I want to be with him again. I miss him as soon as we part ways. I knew he was tired and I needed to get home to get ready for the return to working life. I wanted more time but I knew what I should do.

My staycation was made amazing by a single trip. The other days had their merits, but that little variation from the main road was excellent. It was one of those days when we were just going to ride to the next town and then something changed. They were working on the road, paving crews were scattered about in different area of the road.

We decided to come back a different way. We drove some back roads. We passed a river that we both love. We pulled off and we were looking at the waterway. I looked up and he had taken off his shoes and was walking in the water. It looked like fun. I wanted to do it as well. So out of my sneakers and socks I came. I am tender footed so it was interesting getting from where I took my shoes off and the water. My mom has always had us scared of drowning because she is afraid of water. It was barely up to our ankles but I walked around in the same river I was baptized in many years before and that was the last time, I was in that water.

It was so relaxing and just being there with him. That was the it for me. Being there with him. He had told me earlier that he thought I would go somewhere while I was off. One place in particular was mentioned. I told him I wanted to go there with him. He said I should have gone even if he was busy. I said I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!!!

So he gave me  a day of both relaxation and adventure on series of back roads.

We went in the river and after I got my shoes back on I sat there and basked in what I was feeling in that moment. The river and the sound it made as it rolled along. The nearness of his presence. It was more than I could say to him.

After I sat there for awhile, he gently said, there are other adventures awaiting if you are ready to go. It was almost as if he thought he would disturb my mood if he suggested it, I was happy to go see what else he had in store for us, so I got up and we started driving again.

We circled around a dusty gravel road and we saw this amazing view. I did some video with my phone because it was so beautiful; I was awestruck to say the least.

Once again, I was completely aware that he was right there with me. He was saying nothing. He was just letting me enjoy the view. He was letting me take everything in. He would speak if I said something but he was letting me take everything in, the big view and the details.

Our last stop was a rock mound that was connected to his childhood. It was a magnificent sight to behold. He told me stories of his childhood and his memories and I took each and every word he said in.

There was a moment when we were standing there and I said you know someone had to use this place as a dwelling place long before we got here. You could hear the water running up above our heads. It was a great experience for me to just be there, being there with him made it so much more special. That was the it for me.

He doesn’t realize it but that day was one that will live in my heart forever. We just bought lunch and gas. That is all the money that was spent but what I was given that day was priceless. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.

It is not where you go or what you do, it is that you are there with the person you love. That is the good stuff.

I will go back from my stacycation refreshed, even though it stated out pretty stressful, it was on so relaxing to just go on a huge adventure a little ways from home base.

Whatever State You Are in , Be Content…..

Usually, when I work on Saturday night, I don’t go to church on Sunday. This Sunday was different.  I started my vacation that night. There was only one thing I wanted to do on my vacation. I wanted to just go on a day trip to one place. I hinted to it but it hasn’t happened. It isn’t but a 3 hour drive.

As I sat there, in church, I listened as the preacher  read my moms favorite Bible verse. He talked about God providing for our needs but we as human beings don’t know sometimes the difference between needs and wants.

We feel like it is a need but is it?

My anxiety level was high. I had a program the next day and it had been a year and a half since I had worked with kids. Did I still have it? Was I going to fall on my face? I was so anxious, I couldn’t sleep. At all!!

I went to church and went out to lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down. Couldn’t sleep. Posted a sale on my jewelry. Dealt with that. Went over my talk with the kids in my mind. Went through the stuff I was taking on last time.

I knew I was as ready as I could be, yet, my anxiety was still high. Anxiety feeds off anxiety. You get lost in your own thoughts and it lead to sheer misery at times. This was where I was at. I just wanted someone to take me and hold me. Not just anybody. Him. He was busy, he was working on a project and he was kind of quite. I really wanted to talk to him but he needed to do what he needed to do, I get that. I didn’t want to bother him, I feel like I bother him too much as is.

I began to cry my eyes out. I couldn’t stop it from coming. I was trying, believe me. I finally started praying. And somewhere deep inside me I heard the words, be content.

This was about 4 hours before I was supposed to get up and get ready for the program.

All went well. The kids were happy, the people who hired me were happy. I was happy.

Within 30 minutes, I received a phone call that I needed to meet with some people about some of my jewelry that had been jurored. Once again, the anxiety level went back up. Once again inside me I hear the words, be content.

That night I slept like a baby. I asked him if he wanted to come with me but he never responded until I was there. I would have liked the company as he is more used to this than I am but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had the meeting. It went better than I figured. I was happy about that. I then came home to  an empty house. I played in the dirt resetting some plants. I went and got dinner and ate alone. I was kind of sad there was no one to share it with in person. I sat and I ate in silence. The words came back to me. Be content.

I am going to hold on to those words of life with everything I have inside me. If I am alone or with someone, be content.

If things are going well or life is beating me up, be content. For you see I am never truly alone. There are things I want but do I need them. Lonesome is a state of mind. I just work until my body tells me to go to bed. Then I lay there and think of the good things in my life and I am content.


In Just One Day….

In just one day, I have felt fear, love, joy. I have seen glee, amusement, trepidation. I have heard of frustration, greed and success. I have spoken humor and sang of love, hoping that lyrics like “the day you strolled in, my heart was stolen” were heard and the smile on my face was seen because I was singing about and to him.

I have experienced life. I have lived, not survived, lived. It all happened on a typical ordinary day. Life happened. It may be far from perfect but it is my life. I may be far from perfect, I gave up striving for perfection a very long time ago.

So as I lay here, in my bed, smelling of the lotion I have put on my body, listening to the movie that I am not watching on the TV, with my windows open so that I can get fresh air and  I smile. I lived today. If tomorrow doesn’t come, I can say I lived. Even if just for a day.


I Sit Alone In A Box…

Every night I work, I sit in a box. I am surrounded by fluorescent lighting. A TV is playing to my right with news talking about Trumps, Uber, The Queen of England.

People move about near me. Doors open. Door close.

I work on projects in my down time until I allow myself to go elsewhere.

I don’t have to go far about four miles to find my heart and feed my fantasy.

I see him laying in his bed, dressed in what I imagine he wears to bed, which isn’t much. Under only a sheet because he is restless from the heat of the summer night. One leg is thrown out from under the sheet. I see the bend of his leg and smile.

In this fantasy, he is dreaming of me, I hope. There is a slight moan that escapes his lips that has my name on it. I see that his hair is down from the way he usually wears it. I see that he has rapid eye movements which means he is dreaming. I hope it is me and him and naughty things. As I watch this dream state, he whispers my name.

I stand in the doorway and watch him and feel myself react. It is so strong, I can smell the raw maleness of him.

I react to this vision not only in the fantasy but also in my physical person. I sit here and the phone rings and I am swiftly carried away from thoughts of him and what I would like to see and I am swept from this place of passion, back into my box and snatched from fantasy back to reality. Sitting in my box.


If You Stop Dreaming You Are Just Sleeping…

I am struggling right now.

I want so many dreams to come true. I am a dreamer. I admit that. I have big dreams.

Sometimes, it takes time for dreams to come true. You work your hardest. Sometimes you get too invested in it and you drive yourself into a frenzy.

My person told me once not to chase my dreams, to just walk beside them and be their friend. I guess that is true.

It seems like when I worry over it, for lack of a better phrase, it goes all to hell. When I am doing something else, things seem to fall into place.

I have to be careful not to get too engrossed in the what ifs because although I am a dreamer, I also am grounded in realism.

Dreams are good but you have to survive. When you live alone, survival is a way of life. It is all on you. The house, the yard, the bills, you have to do things to make a living while pursuing your passions. You hope that some day that passion can support you but for now you support it.

You are invested in your dream. You want to see it thrive and bloom.

You can have many passions in different aspects of your life. You can be passionate about your person (I am), your hobby (I am), your community (I am), your world (I am).

I am most relaxed when I am out in nature with my person. I love going to parks and seeing what we can find. It is like a treasure hunt and I never come out disappointed. I don’t have as much time as I would like to spend time with him. I could see him everyday and never be tired of seeing him.

I could just sit somewhere beautiful with him and be the happiest person on the Earth.

So, I dream, about a great many things. I like to sleep but dreaming is so much better.


In Case You Didn’t Know…

I am inside my head way too much right at this moment. It is a cancer eating away at me.

I can’t sleep well,  I can’t eat, I am a frigging cry bag and I can’t stop. I have gnawed on my lip until it is raw. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Nothing is working out right. Today I was attempting to cut a piece of glass and wound up cutting myself and threw everything across the house. It wasn’t the glasses fault. It was my fault. Right now I feel everything is my fault.

Why? Because I fear, I hurt someone that I love more than I love my own self. I didn’t do it on purpose. I meant what I said as a compliment. It was mixed amongst babble. I wasn’t trying to down play his artistry, I am envious of what he can do, that I can’t do so well.

Working nights, you lose precious time. Everyone else lives in a daytime world. I live in a night time world. You work three straight 12 hours shifts and that leaves no time to take care of what you need to take care of. I am seeing it in the relationships of some of my co-workers. We all are losing time with those we love.

I want to see him face to face and explain that I believe in him so much and I want him to believe in himself as well. From the bottom of my heart, I feel he can do anything he sets his mind to do. I have seen him do amazing things. He is so smart and talented and I have to wonder what in the hell he could ever see in me. I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense, I don’t feel like I am smart or talented…what is it?

I want to take him by his face and tell him that he is the best person I know, that I wish I could be more like him. He is so level headed and looks at life from a much different perspective than I do. He ignites a fire deep within me, in more than one way. I want to tell him he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I want us to work on projects together, each of us using our own special talents and gifts. I want him to be a part of every moment of my life. Every moment, good and bad. I want to be that for him as well.

But for now, I sit in a darkened room, waiting for a phone to ring, telling people I am just tired, fighting back tears. It is just easier.

I want to be with him, I want to take him by his face, I want to look him in the eye and say loudly and babble free. I love you!! I have loved you for so long, I would hurt myself before I would intentionally hurt you. I desire for all your dreams to come true. I admire who you are and what you do. You give my otherwise pitiful existence meaning. You reminded me how to live and love.

Just in case you didn’t know.