Cuts Run Deep…

I take peoples actions at face value. People lie thorough their teeth. I see it all the time.

Last night my very own sister cut me to the bone. I haven’t said anything to anyone and I won’t , people don’t understand that I see right through masks.

I was standing in a business establishment and she spoke to everyone there except me. She stood kind of behind me so that she thought I couldn’t see her.

She conducted her business and left. I spoke to her but she seemed uncomfortable. We live in a small town and everyone knows we are sisters and I was even asked about it after she left.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged it off. I thought about it last night. I even made a pintrest board about hurt.

When her world has fallen apart, I have always been there. When she got into trouble, I was there. When my world fell apart almost six years ago, she was a ghost. She hasn’t been in my house since my husband was buried.

So, when I hurt, I hide it. Right now, I feel like no one wants me around. I feel like I am bothering everyone so when someone gives me a pseudo time limit, I  try not to over stay my welcome.

Only once in my life have I had to completely close the door to save myself from hurt, maybe it is time to do that again. I will still love her, maybe I’ll just have to love her from a distance. I don’t ask her to carry my burdens. Never have.

So for now, I lick my wounds and I work on my projects and to the world, I pretend like I am not hurting. Inside my home, I cry. That’s okay. It’s not the first time. Just don’t let anyone else see the tears and the hurt. Maybe it is time for me to wear a mask for a while.

I Will Always Love You….

My girls (my great nieces) are growing up so very fast, the oldest one just turned 13 in May. An actual teenager in Earth years but she has one of those old souls.

She is so wise for her age, wiser than me some days, as she proved to me today as we had a conversation driving up the road.

We were doing a photo shoot for her new CD. Everybody’s first response is that she is beautiful. She is, no doubt about it; she is gorgeous. She is also, smart, talented, funny, goofy, wise beyond her years, a loving person who wants to see good in everyone. She is strong in her faith. She will not do anything she finds distasteful. She is focused. She is driven. She will not put her name on something she is not proud of. She is so much more than what people see.

They simply do not know her like I do. She always tells her other sisters that I love her more because I have loved her longer. I love them all, in different ways. They are all so very unique. They all have their strengths and very singular personalities. I give them the attention each needs. It’s just that right now the focus is on the older one getting her CD done.

We were alone on one of my favorite crooked country roads. It is the second round of photos for the project.  Her parents leaving her in my care,  had left us  to do what we do because they had to take care of some other things. We were fighting for time, there was a thunderstorm not so far away.

We did the shots and as always, I had music playing from an old cell phone. The song “Forever Country”, which is a mashup of some classic country songs sang by some of the greatest voices from the past and the present,  came on. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9gAXwYZtfk

We were looking at the shots we had just taken, she has to proof each of them. As we stood there flipping through pictures, we began singing along with the song. At the end of the song the last song they blend in is “I Will Always Love You” came on. As they began to sing that part, she laid her head over on my shoulder and sang to me.

Of course, I cried. In that moment, I knew that I was loved as deeply and as innocently as anyone could ever be. She wanted nothing but to in her way tell me she loves me. She does all the time but that time was a little more special than all the times before. No one saw it, no one was supposed. It was a moment but one that I will hold in my heart forever.

Simple…

I am not hard to understand. I like simple. My mind is busy, but not complicated.

This morning, after finishing a 12 hour shift, I went for a walk. I enjoyed the smell of the fresh morning air. I looked at the dew as it lay on the blades of grass. I got into my music as I walked. I twisted my lower torso to get more effect of the walking. I did a dance with a robin that would hop along in front of me just a few paces ahead, it would fly just a bit and land back in front of me, we did this for a good while.

After he got bored with the game. He flew off.

I went home and I slept. I slept until I woke up. No alarm needed. No phone call from my mom. I woke up feeling refreshed. I didn’t sleep as  much as yesterday. Yesterday I slept all night and the whole day. I needed rest. I was tired.  Today, I was rested.

I wanted fresh air and sunshine. It was my late day to come in. I went and took some of the best photos I have taken in a while. I actually shot in manual and took more control over the camera than I have in a good long time. I spent over an hour trying to get a good photo of a dragonfly darting about. I didn’t get it but I tried. I got some good practice in. I got to understand what I can do without the camera doing it for me.

As the sun set, nobody knew where I was. When I had spoken to my  mom, I was going to get dinner. When I had spoken to my best friend I was going home to get dressed for work. My person, he had no clue where I was.

Where I was, was standing in the middle of a cemetery where my grandparents are buried. It was the best place to get the photos of the sunset I was seeing. I paid respect to them while I was there but the sunset was what had drawn me to this place.

Once again, I shot with the “M”. This mode scares a lot of people. You have to do the thinking. It is in my mind, a dividing line. I would shoot, adjust, shoot again, adjust again. It was a learning exercise for me. When did it get grainy? What are the limits I could push it to and still get an acceptable shot.

I enjoyed my day and I did that thing I love to do. With no thought of what was going to happen with  the images. I am not taking them for monetary gain. I am taking them for me. Most people will never even know they exist. They don’ t need to.

When I got to work, I got into a conversation with one of my co-workers about life. He is newly married and he doesn’t realize that it is a world of compromise. He told me some things and I asked him some questions. The most common phrase I heard was I never looked at it that way. I was just asking questions. It was up to him to make his own assessment of the situation.

It was a simple day. It was a day of reflection and not loneliness.

I don’t need the world. Looking at my little corner of it in a way that no one else sees it, that has to be enough for me, for now.

Life is simple we make it complicated. A place to relax, someone to love, something to be passionate about, a roof over our head and food in our belly. Those are the “simple” things in life that are the grand things.

A Good Time To Refocus My Energy…

Today, I began my 49th year inhabiting this human form.

If I have learned anything in those years, it is that I know when something is off and I feel like it is very off at this point in my life.

It is time for me to refocus and redirect my energy where it ought to be.

I stated this process today. I started with the music I listen to. Some of it is probably not what I should be listening to. It is going to get cleared off the music machine.

Some of the things I had saved to pinterest were not what I should have been saving. It hasto go and it did. I deleted several boards. I don’t need to save pins on a corset board anymore. That is never going to happen. I have given up on that dream.

I don’t need pins with half naked men in them, bathing suit boards ( I have never worn one, why start now), lingerie boards(don’t nobody want to see that), they went as well. Why am I cluttering up my life with this stuff. So far we are talking about digital stuff.

I started a purge of pages I like on facebook. Do I really need to like over 200 pages. I could stay on it all day and not look at 200 pages.

Clutter….. I don’t need it.

Music, pages, pins, hoards stuff… Clutter. There are many kinds of clutter and it can be deadly for your spirit.

It is time for an enormous swing in my way of thinking.  Beauty is what is on the inside. It is not what you wear or what you don’t, as I have seen recently. You can have an amazing outside but if your inside is not what it should be,  what does that get you?

I need to take care of somethings I have been putting off. I need to pursue my dreams or give them up. I need to make a plan and work it. I need laser like focus, I need to perfect my craft and get this thing in gear. I need to get the paperwork filled out to teach classes and to sell my jewelry. I need to make contacts, I need to network. I need to build my Queendom…or hang it up.

The choice is mine. I have worked hard but have I worked smart? I know the answer.

Not That Girl Anymore….

I have always allowed myself to feel second rate. It is nothing I consciously did, it was just that I always felt inferior.

My sister never studied and she was a straight A student. She could pass a test and never open a book. She was the basketball star, she has kids and grand kids.

I struggled with each and every C that I earned. I was the band geek, I did run track for two years but I was average at that. Band was more my thing. I never managed to bring life into the world and it is too late to start now.

When trying to learn new things, I go through the same process and come test time. I panic. I know it is going to happen and I prepare for that.

In my jobs, although competent to do jobs I have had, I live in a culture that uses fear and threats as motivation. So by the time I had left a job, I was beaten down.

Here is the thing though, now I don’t  allow that to happen to me. I am not the best in the world but I am not the worst either. I do there very best job I can for the people I work with and those I serve.

I give the best of me to my person, my family, my friends and my co-workers. This time though, I save a little bit for me. I learn something new every day. I will get something on my mind and I will research it. I never want to stop learning. I allow myself to meditate and contemplate life and the world around me, I make sure I write in my journal to get my feelings onto paper. Even when it hurts that is when I need to write most. I love sharing my love of journaling with others.

I may not be the cute little thing  that men desire, I know my flaws better than anyone, but I have a good heart and a thirst for knowledge. Most recently have been studying up on hydroponics and aquaponics. I may never use it but I can speak clearly about it. Then again, I might use it. You never know.

I am secure in who I am when I are working on my job and if there is something that comes up that I haven’t handled before, I call on the resources at my disposal.

I have grown a great deal in six years. Some may see it as a good thing, some may see it as a bad thing. I see it as an amazing thing. I am happy that I have taken some of the chances I have taken. I used to be the kid who was scared of her shadow, the one who was always at the back of the line. Now, I found out that me might get to do a ride along in a medical air transport unit and I was the first to shoot my hand in the air and almost scream I want to do it.

I want the most of the time I have left here. I don’t want to live my life as someone who is afraid to take risk. I might get rejected, I may very well fail but I won’t be found not trying.

Living life as a second class citizen, an option, that is not for me anymore.

Sometimes Being at Peace Is More Important Than Being Right…

Today, I let my curiosity get the better of me. I wound up being upset.

Something I had given a great number of hours and a good deal of money to was attempting to be recreated.

Now, as before those “in charge” don’t get the idea behind it. It is still their program. Only now, they are allowing facilitators are being compensated. Not a great deal but still being compensated. They allowed another facilitator and myself to provide ideas, supplies and our time for nothing. Now, being employed with them at the time, I could see dissing me.

Not him. He was a volunteer. His time, his talent, his stuff. They never once offered to  compensate him. I mentioned several time about it but I was just blown off.

This was one of  the straws that broke the camels hump with me.

I gave it my all and in the end it was not good enough.

Now having said all that, I am very happy where I am. I can give my creative energy to my own projects and not theirs.

I do still have a bad taste about it though. They didn’t listen to the people. They had their preconceived ideas and no matter what, their minds were not going to be changed.

After I found some things out, a wonderful day became a crappy one, I was kind of still on a cloud after spending time with him yesterday. I am still allowing those people who had no place in my life anymore still have an effect on my emotions.

I called my mom and she gave me some words of wisdom. She reminded me that the devil knows our weaknesses and he will play on those. That is what was happening. I just took a few moments to allow the emotions I was feeling to be real then I cranked up my music, regrouped and refocused my energy on working on the new studio, I found out that I can get a great deal done when I am in that mood.

When I got ready for work, I stopped by a local eatery and there were two couples I knew from that time in my life and they all told me how they missed me and how things were not the same. Hugs were exchanged and they all asked if I was enjoying the new chapter in my life. I assured them that I was much happier.

When I came into work, there was a gift basket from a lady I had talked to on the worst night of her life.

Somehow, when you focus on the good, the bad just kind of flows away.

Do You Ever Feel Yourself Just Disappearing???…..

 I will admit that I am struggling with life right now. I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Alone. The only time I feel alive is when I am with him.

I am working on a project that is requiring more organizational skills than I possess. I am having to dig deep for this one and it is taking a toll on me.

I am setting up a studio of sorts. I want to reclaim my living space from piles of stuff I use to work on projects. Maybe some day, someone will want to come visit me and it would be nice for them to have a place to sit.

So for the last two days, I have worked on this project. Only seeing people when I go to buy shelving and when I get something to eat; otherwise, I am working on this project for hours and hours.

I will take something out of the room and take something into the room. There are things that must remain in the room and I have to work around those. There are things that will be used that are already in the room, they will just be re-purposed for a light table and not a computer desk.

I will set something on the shelf, trying to keep like things together and having many interest some of the items cross over from project to project. I may use something for home decor and jewelry. I may use it for photographing jewelry.  OMG… Does it go with home decor, jewelry, photography (insert scream here). So where does it live? Where does it belong? I kind of know how it feels right at this moment.

I have been so focused on this and thinking it would be easier than it is, that I am beginning to get lost and just wander with something in my hand asking myself  where does it go?

The introvert in my knows that it will totally be worth it and I can listen to my music and dance around in my underwear if I want to while I am working on this.

The extrovert in me screams….GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF MY OWN MIND. I NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. I NEED TO TALK.  I NEED COMPANIONSHIP. I NEED TO LAUGH!!!

Yet, it is silent, for the most part. I feel like I am slowly disappearing. I am becoming invisible. I am just this thing in these four walls then I move to another four walls for twelve hours and repeat the process.  The thought even crossed my mind, Am I going to die? Is there something in me preparing for others to go through my belongings when I am gone.

At this point, I feel like I am being left out of my own life.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from buying shelving for this project, I heard the song perfect by Pink.  Here is a link if you don’t know the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12L8Tus290I

I found myself driving up the road, tears rolling down my face. I feel so much like nothing right now. I feel  so much less than perfect right at this moment.

My house is a complete wreck but I knew going into it that I would have to tear down to build up. Sadly, I have had to do that way too many times in my life.