When You Don’t Feel Your Best…

I just have felt 100% today, I woke up early and just sort of laid around. I am cutting some of the sugar from my diet in an effort to lose some weight. I did few physically easy things but mostly I just laid around. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just rested, not sleeping just laying.

Last night, I had let a couple of family issues get the better of me and it got my dander up. Then lonely kicked in. That sucked. Sometimes you just need somebody to be there.

I hadn’t been at work long tonight before I got dizzy. I sat there and just kind of let the room spin around me. I had some dinner coming but it wasn’t getting here soon enough.

I had something with me just in case I need it. My arm went numb and now my eye feels funny. I have done the looking mirror, there is no visible drooping. I stuck my tongue out it is straight.

I do notice I have some trouble focusing on the words that pop up on my screen and reading them back. I am in a good place to be checked, if need be.

For now, I will just keep a watch. I think it is okay. Time will tell.

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Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

The Nights Get Long….

Today is my “day off”. I say that because I work night shift.

I have to stay awake until morning so I can sleep tomorrow.

I have “The Big Bang Theory” playing in the room I am in. I occasionally laugh at something Sheldon says, simply because.

It is thundering in a distance and  the rain comes in bands pounding the side of the house.

I am working on jewelry, it is work on a piece and wait, repeating the same process yet not exactly getting the results I want.

I write in my journal about the day spent with him. That person who makes me so very happy.

I read a book on how to journal differently, he found it at a used book store we went to today.

I think about a conversation with a friend last evening. My snarky little brother figure. He is dealing with some things right now and I say a prayer that he will feel better soon.

I think about my family and friends who are dealing with things in their lives. Another prayer goes up.

I let my mind wander some miles away where the person who holds my heart is sleeping. I imagine him sleeping in his bed. His mind and body relaxing from the projects he is working on, hoping some of the ideas we batted around today add to what he is doing. I want to help him as much as he has helped me.

I wonder if he lays there thinking about me. I wonder if he feels the same way about me as I feel about him. I am more verbal in my feelings, I choke on them if I don’t. I always said I would have no regrets. I don’t want to leave this earth with him wondering if I truly love him, because I do oh so much. I let my mind wander to other things as well, I am human after all.

I am half way through the night. I need to make it just a little longer then sleep can come so my mind and body can prepare for the long weekend ahead of me.

I guess you could say at nights I feel lonely. While everyone I know sleeps, I bowl against people around the globe; someone some where is awake. It might be one of you for all I know.

If it is, thanks for being awake.

A True Love Story…

He was born in a blizzard. They had to plow in to get his mother to the hospital. His father drove the truck that cleared the path to the place where his son would be born.

That son would only have his father for nine years. Then death would rob this child of that same father.

He would grow up an only child, who lived with his mother and his elderly grandparents. His mother had to survive on the slightest of funds because she was legally blind. He never had the finest of luxury as a child. He did however have the most important things; love and support.

As a child, he was sickly. He would play radio station on his front porch and as an adult, he made his living in radio and in emergency communications. People who did not know his face, knew him by his voice.  He was THE voice of the area.

As a teen, he was lonely and unsure as most of us were at that age. He worked and he went home. He never dated.

He was quiet and shy. He said what he meant and he meant what he said.

Then one day in a local grocery store, he met a young woman. She had just left church. She was wearing a pink floral jacket, a pink skirt, a white blouse, white shoes and starfish earrings; at least he told her that later, and in that moment, he knew that was the woman he was going to marry.

He never said anything to her that day. She would meet him in passing on a regular basis. They would talk but she never thought anything of it. He never let on that there was any interest on his part.

She didn’t realize at the time but he was courting her, pursuing her, waiting for the right time to make his move. She was dating someone who was treating her, well not the best. She was being cheated on, lied to and mistreated. She knew that there had to be someone better out there but because she was made to feel ugly, she stayed.

When she finally had enough and overcame those thoughts being planted in her head, she broke up with the person who called her fat all the time.

The funny thing is she got flowers from both of them the same day. One she was leaving and the other was waiting to sweep her up and begin to try to heal those wounds.

For a year, on every special occasion, she got flowers. If she was sick, flowers were sent to the place where her mother worked. Her mother called the florist and asked about it and she was told not to worry, that it was someone who would love this girl and would never hurt her.

He would show up at her church and her brother in law would poke her in the back and say “there’s your boyfriend”. She would just blow it off. She figured if he was interested in her, he would just say it.

Finally one day, she got brave and sent him a balloon, just on the hunch from a friend.

She waited after she sent the balloon and with in hours, she got 3 red roses with a note that said “Have to be out of town, will be in touch when I return”.

Three days later, he called and asked her out for the next weekend. She said yes.

On their first date, they shook hands.

On their third date, he kissed her.

On the side of a mountain, he told her he was in love with her.

On her birthday, her presented her a heart shaped diamond served on her favorite dessert. In front of the entire serving crew, he asked her to be his. She of course said Yes.

In that same little white church, they said I do. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health, til death do they part. He was 32, she 24.

They settled into a very ordinary life. It wasn’t one of great adventure. It was more of comfort. They worked hard and honestly, loved harder.

They never were given the gift of being parents.

They never really got out of the honeymoon phase because they only had each other.

For eight years, things sailed along smoothly, then sickness crept in. First his back, then his heart, a diabetic ulcer and finally cancer.

Over ten years, she slipped from his wife to his caregiver. She never once regretted it. She never once gave a second thought to being his voice, his feet, his hands, whatever he needed. She was there to supply it.

Many times, he apologized to her for being sick. Knowing that their relationship had changed. He once told her that if she needed her womanly needs met in a way he couldn’t meet, she could go and have those needs met with his blessing. She told him that she loved him and that was not how things were done when you truly, madly, deeply loved someone.

She was by his side when they told him that the cancer was there. She was by his side when they told him that it had spread. She was there when they said there was nothing more they could do. She made the doctor tell him as she explained that their time together would be short.

She was there when he couldn’t feed himself anymore. She was there when hospice came in and asked her to let them stay with him and she left only 30 minutes per day. She was there when that next breath never came.

She was there when the filled church paid respect to the man she loved. She walked from that church numb. She couldn’t let anyone see her cry. She cried a plenty but not in front of anyone. Her heart had been ripped out and thrown into a six foot hole.

She was there for that first night alone, when she prayed for the sun to shine, she knew she would be fine if she just made it through that night.

That was almost 6 years ago.

She was there today at the cemetery. Today would be his 57th birthday. She took him flowers this time. It was all she could do.

She has learned to live again. She has a new normal. She is learning who she is. She has learned to love again.

She knows that she was loved, completely, once in her life and honestly, some people never get that, they look for love everywhere and they never get to experience what they knew.

You see, I know their story very well, for that she is me.

Do You Ever Feel Yourself Just Disappearing???…..

 I will admit that I am struggling with life right now. I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Alone. The only time I feel alive is when I am with him.

I am working on a project that is requiring more organizational skills than I possess. I am having to dig deep for this one and it is taking a toll on me.

I am setting up a studio of sorts. I want to reclaim my living space from piles of stuff I use to work on projects. Maybe some day, someone will want to come visit me and it would be nice for them to have a place to sit.

So for the last two days, I have worked on this project. Only seeing people when I go to buy shelving and when I get something to eat; otherwise, I am working on this project for hours and hours.

I will take something out of the room and take something into the room. There are things that must remain in the room and I have to work around those. There are things that will be used that are already in the room, they will just be re-purposed for a light table and not a computer desk.

I will set something on the shelf, trying to keep like things together and having many interest some of the items cross over from project to project. I may use something for home decor and jewelry. I may use it for photographing jewelry.  OMG… Does it go with home decor, jewelry, photography (insert scream here). So where does it live? Where does it belong? I kind of know how it feels right at this moment.

I have been so focused on this and thinking it would be easier than it is, that I am beginning to get lost and just wander with something in my hand asking myself  where does it go?

The introvert in my knows that it will totally be worth it and I can listen to my music and dance around in my underwear if I want to while I am working on this.

The extrovert in me screams….GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF MY OWN MIND. I NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. I NEED TO TALK.  I NEED COMPANIONSHIP. I NEED TO LAUGH!!!

Yet, it is silent, for the most part. I feel like I am slowly disappearing. I am becoming invisible. I am just this thing in these four walls then I move to another four walls for twelve hours and repeat the process.  The thought even crossed my mind, Am I going to die? Is there something in me preparing for others to go through my belongings when I am gone.

At this point, I feel like I am being left out of my own life.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from buying shelving for this project, I heard the song perfect by Pink.  Here is a link if you don’t know the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12L8Tus290I

I found myself driving up the road, tears rolling down my face. I feel so much like nothing right now. I feel  so much less than perfect right at this moment.

My house is a complete wreck but I knew going into it that I would have to tear down to build up. Sadly, I have had to do that way too many times in my life.

Patterns of Randomness…

My job can be stressful. Right at the moment, my life is stressful. This doesn’t make for a good combo.

My appetite is suffering, my sleep is not restful, I can’t focus on doing what I need to do. I am sort of stumbling through right at the moment.

I am working my long week  and although my mind is completely somewhere else, I can’t let on. I have to be fully present when that phone rings. I can’t let on that there is anything going on in my world. It hasn’t helped that due to a snow storm, I have had to depend on other people to help me get to work and to get home. I don’t like not doing some things for myself.

I am making phone calls to family members and tonight, the one we are worried most about told me, don’t you worry about me, you take care of the county.

Tonight, it hit me pretty hard. It is one of those nights that I would have liked to been alone with my thoughts but the guys seemed to need to hang around the office.

I need to get a hold of myself. I am starting to feel some of those physical cues that tell me that I am not emotionally well.

My neck is stiff, my shoulder is aching, I have a tick that I get when I am stressed. I am waking more tired than when I go to bed. These are just some of my tells.

I am more quite than usual. I am afraid the shutdown is beginning. One of the guys has noticed and mentioned it, I just blew it off.

I know things will get better. I also know it will be an uphill climb. There are some pretty steep hurdles to be crossed in the next few days.  I need to stay strong for everyone else for a while longer then I can worry about myself again.

Tonight, when I finally got a while to myself, I did one of those adult coloring sheets. I turned on some soothing music and just started in the middle of the page and not looking at the color of pencil I was picking, I just focused on the pattern on the page. Several hours later as I added the last color, I looked at the image. The randomness of the colors in the pattern printed on the page turned out rather pretty. I even took a photo of it to play with.

Maybe my mind just needed a little R and R. Maybe my spirit needed to focus on the pattern and allow chance to fill in the color but in the end, it was beautiful.