Cuts Run Deep…

I take peoples actions at face value. People lie thorough their teeth. I see it all the time.

Last night my very own sister cut me to the bone. I haven’t said anything to anyone and I won’t , people don’t understand that I see right through masks.

I was standing in a business establishment and she spoke to everyone there except me. She stood kind of behind me so that she thought I couldn’t see her.

She conducted her business and left. I spoke to her but she seemed uncomfortable. We live in a small town and everyone knows we are sisters and I was even asked about it after she left.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged it off. I thought about it last night. I even made a pintrest board about hurt.

When her world has fallen apart, I have always been there. When she got into trouble, I was there. When my world fell apart almost six years ago, she was a ghost. She hasn’t been in my house since my husband was buried.

So, when I hurt, I hide it. Right now, I feel like no one wants me around. I feel like I am bothering everyone so when someone gives me a pseudo time limit, I  try not to over stay my welcome.

Only once in my life have I had to completely close the door to save myself from hurt, maybe it is time to do that again. I will still love her, maybe I’ll just have to love her from a distance. I don’t ask her to carry my burdens. Never have.

So for now, I lick my wounds and I work on my projects and to the world, I pretend like I am not hurting. Inside my home, I cry. That’s okay. It’s not the first time. Just don’t let anyone else see the tears and the hurt. Maybe it is time for me to wear a mask for a while.

I Sit Alone In A Box…

Every night I work, I sit in a box. I am surrounded by fluorescent lighting. A TV is playing to my right with news talking about Trumps, Uber, The Queen of England.

People move about near me. Doors open. Door close.

I work on projects in my down time until I allow myself to go elsewhere.

I don’t have to go far about four miles to find my heart and feed my fantasy.

I see him laying in his bed, dressed in what I imagine he wears to bed, which isn’t much. Under only a sheet because he is restless from the heat of the summer night. One leg is thrown out from under the sheet. I see the bend of his leg and smile.

In this fantasy, he is dreaming of me, I hope. There is a slight moan that escapes his lips that has my name on it. I see that his hair is down from the way he usually wears it. I see that he has rapid eye movements which means he is dreaming. I hope it is me and him and naughty things. As I watch this dream state, he whispers my name.

I stand in the doorway and watch him and feel myself react. It is so strong, I can smell the raw maleness of him.

I react to this vision not only in the fantasy but also in my physical person. I sit here and the phone rings and I am swiftly carried away from thoughts of him and what I would like to see and I am swept from this place of passion, back into my box and snatched from fantasy back to reality. Sitting in my box.

I Will Always Love You….

My girls (my great nieces) are growing up so very fast, the oldest one just turned 13 in May. An actual teenager in Earth years but she has one of those old souls.

She is so wise for her age, wiser than me some days, as she proved to me today as we had a conversation driving up the road.

We were doing a photo shoot for her new CD. Everybody’s first response is that she is beautiful. She is, no doubt about it; she is gorgeous. She is also, smart, talented, funny, goofy, wise beyond her years, a loving person who wants to see good in everyone. She is strong in her faith. She will not do anything she finds distasteful. She is focused. She is driven. She will not put her name on something she is not proud of. She is so much more than what people see.

They simply do not know her like I do. She always tells her other sisters that I love her more because I have loved her longer. I love them all, in different ways. They are all so very unique. They all have their strengths and very singular personalities. I give them the attention each needs. It’s just that right now the focus is on the older one getting her CD done.

We were alone on one of my favorite crooked country roads. It is the second round of photos for the project.  Her parents leaving her in my care,  had left us  to do what we do because they had to take care of some other things. We were fighting for time, there was a thunderstorm not so far away.

We did the shots and as always, I had music playing from an old cell phone. The song “Forever Country”, which is a mashup of some classic country songs sang by some of the greatest voices from the past and the present,  came on. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9gAXwYZtfk

We were looking at the shots we had just taken, she has to proof each of them. As we stood there flipping through pictures, we began singing along with the song. At the end of the song the last song they blend in is “I Will Always Love You” came on. As they began to sing that part, she laid her head over on my shoulder and sang to me.

Of course, I cried. In that moment, I knew that I was loved as deeply and as innocently as anyone could ever be. She wanted nothing but to in her way tell me she loves me. She does all the time but that time was a little more special than all the times before. No one saw it, no one was supposed. It was a moment but one that I will hold in my heart forever.

The Coin

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I would like to tell you my story. Now, to you I may look like a normal silver dollar and if you found me, you might spend me or you might put me in a treasure chest or a piggy bank. I don’t have a great deal of value on the market but I am more valued than you will ever know.

When I was new, a man gave me to his father in law. I was new and shiny. I was fresh out of the mint. I was brand new. The word liberty was stamped was stamped on the front of me over a picture of President Dwight Eisenhower in profile which was in the middle and my year of birth was along the bottom of the coin. On the left side of the front of the coin were the words ” In God We Trust”

Tattooed on my back was an American Eagle, “The United States of America ” and “One Dollar”. My edges were ridged. I was beautiful.

The father in law thought so much of me, I went every where he went. I went to work with him, when he worked in the field, I was right there. Even when he ate his meals, I was there.  When he slept at night, I was on the chest at the foot of his bed. The next morning we would start all over.

I lived in his pants pocket. I met other coins but the came and they went. I was the only one that stayed. For 23 years I was with him every step he made.

When the man got sick and knew he was going to die, he placed me in the hand of his daughter. Give this to your youngest daughter. She said she would and she  put me away in a safe place.

For another 23 years I stayed locked away. I didn’t see any light. I just laid there, waiting. The other day,  I saw light for the first time in a long time.

Yesterday, the daughter spent the day with her mother. They did a little shopping, took  a nice long drive and went back to the mother’s house.

The mother reached into her pocket and pulled me out. She handed me to her daughter and told her my story.

With tears in her eyes, she (the daughter) ran her finger across my surface and felt how smooth I had become. Some of the letters in Liberty were gone. She had to strain to see the words “In God We Trust”. The eagle was still perceivable. The words on the back, they had all but disappeared. My edge was now smooth as a baby’s bottom.

Here I am old and worn. I have be aged by time and pressure. I am not shiny and new anymore but yet in this woman’s hand, I was treasured. I was LOVED!!!  I am of infinite value and she wouldn’t sell me for a million dollars. You see,  she knows the value of the fact that her grandfather wanted her to have this precious thing.I matter to him and now I matter to her.  He wanted to make sure that I was taken care of after he was gone and now I am on my new home. Tonight, I am  in her pocket as she works. She introduced me to her person today. He held me on his hand, he seems like  a great guy. She is her happiest when she is with him.  She also  showed me to some of her coworkers and they all seemed touched by my story.

When she gets home from work tomorrow morning, she will remove me from her pocket, she will lay me up on the chest at the foot of her bed, just like her grandfather.

My journey begins again, only with a different person to love, just like her.

Maybe that is why she is supposed to have me. She knows what it is like to be loved for a second time. This is going to be another awesome journey. We are both excited to see where it will lead.

 

Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

Comfort…

I need to be in a place of comfort. If that be a space, a relationship, clothing and shoes, hobbies, when I sleep,  all things.

Now having said that, I do a lot of activities in the confines of my home. I dress for comfort. When I am working in my work room, honestly it is very scant. I am there in usually a tee shirt, underwear and my apron.

When I am writing, it kind of depends on what I am writing. I am trying to be tactful here so I am not going to go into much detail. Let’s just say I dress for the part.

It is part of my creative process. I need to feel what it would feel like to actually feel the part that I am writing about. It is something that makes me feel ummmm, desirable which is good when I am writing about my desires.

When I am making jewelry, I don’t worry about how I look, I wear the afore mention workroom clothing. When I am trying to promote my product, I want to look like a business woman. When I am photographing an event, I dress differently than when I am doing nature photography. When I am hiking different clothing and shoes. When I go to work the uniform. To church, dresses or skirts.

I just want to feel comfortable in what I wear, how may hair looks; currently, it has blue highlights. I have mermaid hair.

I don’t wear any of this for anyone else. I change my hair, put on makeup, dress as I wish because it makes me feel good. When I feel good, apparently it is obvious. People notice and I’m not looking to get noticed. I was actually told the other day by someone that they were watching me. Not sure what they meant by it, didn’t ask. I don’t really care anymore who is looking or watching. I am gonna do me. Blue hair and all.

Humbled….

When I came into work, I was kind of down. That is okay it happens. It was one of those really busy nights. That too is okay. Made the night go by faster.

Always when I am down, something happens to allow me to see the greater good in life. Tonight was no exception.

There was a man under a bridge at an odd time of night. When someone stopped and spoke to him he said he had left a certain city  and was going to a certain city. I don’t want to pinpoint so I won’t name the cities.

He said that his girlfriend was sick. He was trying to get to her. The only mode of transport he had was a bicycle and he had spent all his money to buy an inner tube for his bicycle.

His total trip is going to be 161 miles. He has ridden 75 of those miles, partway was mountainous terrain. He was give a ride to our office. He was given food and slept in our lobby.

I thought about what I had seen this night.

A man who loves a woman so much he will ride 161 miles to be with her when she needs him. Real love does still exist.

Another man who went out of his way to make sure the first man was not cold and hungry. Charity does still exist.

I sat here and I prayed for this man as he continues his journey. The woman he is trying to get to as she lays sick, I don’t know who she is but I prayed for her as well. Faith does still exist.

When you think about, the little things we worry about are just that, little things. It’s those big things that this man is facing that are the big things and after speaking with him, he is determined to reach this woman he loves.

That is a big thing, in and of itself.