The things I Do For Me…..

I have many hobbies. Hobbies, you know those things that you do for enjoyment.

I was going through some paintings I had played with a while back. I had actually forgotten about them. They are abstract. It is just me playing. I liked them a lot. One I am going to hang in my workroom, apparently I am not accomplished enough to call my work space a studio. So, I call it my workroom.

I paint, I read, I write,  I take photos, I try new things, I fail, I try again. Nobody ever gets to see these. It is not their hobby. It is mine. I do these things for my soul.

I don’t need someone judging it by their standard. I simply need to do it to be doing. You won’t ever see any of my work hanging in a museum. You won’t find my writings on the shelves of your favorite bookstore.

It is the pain, joy, flights of fancy and all the other things inside me; done by me and for me.

Advertisements

Out of Their Box….

Have you ever had people in your life that you felt were ashamed of you? That the only time you hear from them is when they want something from you? They don’t understand that life changed how you see things.

I have some of those people “in” my life. At this point, I am afraid that they are just going to have to get used to who I am.

I am not what they think I should be. I’m not, I am so much more.

I have walked through the fire and that changes you. It will incinerate you or strengthen you.

I have given so much that I depleted myself. I laid in my bed sick for three days and not a one of them checked on me, yet every time their world crumbled, I was right there.

It is fine by me if you don’t think of me as an artist, I know the work I put into my craft. I spend hours working on what I do. Hell, it is tough for me to say I am an artist but I am getting better at it.

You may value the opinion of others more than you do mine. Okie fine, I will keep my opinion to myself.

You may not care if I live or die but I do. I have to burst out of the box people have always known and be who I am. They can like it or not. It is no longer my problem. My problem is that I have accepted being second best all my life.

INFJ and INTP

0D08B88E-431B-4983-ABD2-7B868062F4E2.jpegI am a feeler. He is a thinker.  He is focused and I am scattered in my thought process. Today, I passed a flag pole standing along the road, I was going to pick him up so we could go take photographs. I thought about us, he is the pole. Strong and steady, I am the the flag. I flit around in the breeze and he is there to make sure I am sured up and he gives me that security in the storms of life. He is my strong, I hope he sees me as  his adventure.

I noticed this today when we were taking photos. He was focusing on the process he was working on and I was flittering yards ahead to take in everything I could see.

Our conversions are interesting. Bless him, he needs a road map to following my thought process. I need you yell “plot twist” when changing subjects. He hangs right with me though. I learn so much from him. He makes me laugh like no one else can.

The thinker and the feeler some may not think it works but it works for us.  It is nice to have that person you can talk to about anything and they are your cheerleader, your sounding board, your voice of reason and that person who can help you see life from a different perspective.

This INFJ is so thankful for her INTP and what he means to her.

And They Are Back….

The dreams, they are back.

They come when I am stressed and I have been stressed for a while. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. No reason to, I am in one of those I am pretty much worthless spots I go through. That I don’t matter. That if I disappeared from the planet no one would notice. I don’t plan on harming myself, I just feel like I matter to no one. .

You know those spots when you feel like you are fighting a dragon with a medicine dropper filled with water. You can’t stop what you are feeling. You try to keep it down but you can’t.

This feeling will pass. I know it will. I just have to weather the storm. So, I go silent. Nobody in my real life gets to see this part. They truly do not understand so I just keep it to myself.

This time was the dream consisted of me being trapped somewhere and I couldn’t escape. I was trying with all my might but I couldn’t get free.

Yesterday, the dream seemed to manifest itself. I needed to get some supplies for my jewelry business. The people who have decided it was gallery worthy now wanted some tweaks.

Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and being an INFJ (an inquisitive one) I stopped by to talk to them and sure enough, they had some changes they wanted me to make.

Sure, I can do that. It should be easy enough and it is, only it is on a massive scale and it is going to cost more, which means I am by necessity going to require that my prices go up.

Now, this bothers me, that I am going to have to be vocal about this but I have put a great deal of money in time into this just to be told that after they had accepted it that they want this change.

Being fair, on the flip side of the same coin, I know they are telling me this to help me be a better artist. I don’t resent the changes, I struggle with saying that it is costing me time and money so therefore, I will have to offset my cost.

Sorry, I wandered off point.

So, I needed to get supplies and I felt uneasy about it the whole time I was getting ready. I would be going on this trip alone, not by choice but alone just the same. It was going to be quick because I needed to get what I required  and get to work.

I made three stops. Lunch, the supplies I needed and to get my niece a cupcake for her birthday.

Everything was going great until the last stop. I pulled in beside a Ford Explorer. I saw there was a man sitting in the car. I went inside, made my purchase and came back out.

As I started to make the turn toward my car, the door of the Explorer opened and a man stepped out and he said “Well, I guess I am in your way.” My reply, that’s fine come on. He closed the door and stood there and said you can come on through. There was not a great deal of space and I was going to be trapped between two cars with a man who made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Negative Ghost Rider.

I looked at him and said again You can just come right on through. Now my demeanor was calm but inside I was figuring out how to protect myself and get out of this situation. Kick him in the nuts if he touches you, go to the other side of you car and grab your taser and light him up like a Christmas tree.

As he walked toward me, I kept stepping backward. I was going to be in the great wide open. I waited for him to turn toward the store. I quickly got into my car and locked the door on the off chance that he came back.

Once I got my bearings back, I started home. I wasn’t scared. I was angry and hurt. I still am. For several reasons, my sense of safety was violated. I was alone.

So today, I stayed home, by choice. I didn’t want to be around people. I packed my lunch so I would not be out in a public space. I drove from home to work.

People tend to make light of this but in the business I work in, you become more aware of your surroundings. You don’t want to call 911 if you are able and say something bad happened to me, because I wasn’t safe.

It will be a while before I am able to go back there. I will make do the best I can. I will not feel safe for a good while. Last night I kept checking to make sure my doors were locked. I don’t feel safe right now. That has to be okay, not that it is acceptable just that I have to deal with it on my terms.

 

Stillness In The Eye of The Storm…

So when I was going through my recent bout of anxiety, I got to the point where all I could do was pray. It wasn’t a pretty prayer. It was me at bottom going God I have no where else to look. I need some answers. I need you to help me with this thing. I need you and I need you now.

God is right on time every time. I listened after I prayed. I was taught a lesson in life. I was taught a lesson in humility. I was reminded of some happy times as a child where I overcame my fears and I was told to reach out to others, which I haven’t done in a while.

God showed me through the art that I do how I am being put through the same fire. It will strengthen me just as it does the glass I work with.

I was reminded that I had always allowed my fear to stand in the way of things and it had cost me hours of fun that once I overcame that it was some of the best times of my childhood.

I was reminded that in times of internal struggle, I should turn outward and present others to the world. Build others up. I have cousins who are photographers and jewelry makers just as I am. My person is an artist, he paints and sculpts and so much more. A friend of mine grows pumpkins, his art is in nature. I have three friends who bake cakes. My sister does floral design. My niece is a cosmetologist, her art is done on the human body.  Instead of waiting for them to promote me which none of them do, promote them, not wanting anything in return, just to be kind. Just to show that talent is all around me. I won’t share everything the post but I will try to help them if I can. There are different types of creativity.

In the middle of the chaos of my own making, I found silence in the eye of the storm. I was made aware of a great deal of things. I have now put them into place. Some don’t and won’t understand it. I have to be okay with that. It is not their life. It is mine. I want us all to win. Simple yet so hard for some to understand.

It’s Time…

So the last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety. I have a friend who is a nurse and I just sat down and had a talk with her.

We talked about a great number of things. She let me talk as she listened. Then she spoke. She kind of hit me where I lived.

She said, we have known each other a while, yet every time we speak, you put that chair between us. You have a wall up.

You want to let someone in, I see the smile when your phone goes off, there is someone. I had to tell her yes. She said but you are afraid to let him. You have had a big hurt. You don’t know how to take the lead. You are afraid that you will get hurt again.

I understand that change is scary for you. The least little thing can set your anxiety off so you keep yourself being this nice brick wall. Maybe it is time to bust down that wall. You are the only one that can do it. You don’t need to be afraid to let people see the soft person behind that strong persona you put off.

You have lived through the worst thing you could live through. Maybe it is time for you to let someone in, completely.

You need to stop holding yourself to the standard that your do. You give everyone else a pass, you accept everyone’s excuses. Yet, you don’t give yourself the same break.

It is time for you to tear down that wall you have been hiding behind. Maybe it it time for you to love again. It really is okay for you to touch someone you love. It sets off endorphins in the brain. That will help make your life so much better.   You don’t need to be so afraid. Everyone needs to touch and it might be as good for him as it is for you.

It gave me a great deal to think about. Yeah, I think it is time to bust through and find out where things could go if I just throw caution to the wind and live for real.

Screw what everyone else thinks. It is after all my life. It is time for me to love and allow myself to be loved, exactly for who I am.

A woman who craves human contact in the most intimate of ways. A woman who wants to be seen as a sexy beast. A woman who is confident enough in herself to wear that corset she longs to own, for him but more for herself. A woman who wants to be fully awake instead of making love to him in my dreams.

Anxiety is a Sneaky Bastard….

If you live with anxiety, you know that it is more than worry. If you don’t, please allow me to educate you.

Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional reaction to outside stimuli. (disclaimer…not a physiologist, just a human).

The thing you have been longing for happens and you are excited beyond belief until…..It sneaks up on you.  You are okay with failure because you are used to it but now it is happening and you are on sensory overload.

For me it begins physically. Last night, I thought it was a hot flash, as I laid in bed and chewed my lip raw trying not to cry, wanting to run at 2 am, thinking of all the what ifs, you try to stifle the scream building up inside you.

You wake up and even the smell of your coffee makes you sick.  You try your best to be excited or at least normal. Then you find someone you think will understand and the word vomit begins.

Things don’t always work out as planned. Your silent pleads for understanding are not heard. You need to tell someone yet you struggle to find the words to make them understand the storm going on inside you and you become more anxious until you are in tears.

Your head is telling you to stop. You heart is begging you not to let them see. Yet you can not stop. They roll down your cheeks as you try to control the sob rising up in your throat.

The more you speak the deeper you dig the  hole until you see no way out, so you stop talking.

You suck it up and deal with it the best way you can, on your own. You use those coping skills you have learned. For me when it gets awful, I need touch. I have to have a stress ball, play dough, something that is forgiving to work with. Sometimes, I need to feel the bark of a tree, moss, something created by someone bigger than me.

People don’t understand that you really have no control over it. You really try to, but you don’t. You cope.

The best comparison I can think of is my aunt. She is totally blind. She has been for years. You can’t tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying any more than you can tell her to see. She has eyes. Her eyes are open, she is coping with her blindness but she can’t see like we do. She uses her hands to “see”. Telling people with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell them until you are blue in the face and it won’t change a thing.