A Time For Self Care

I have been thinking about this depressive episode I am going through.

My personality type requires that I have some alone time. I am on the cusp of being exactly in the middle of introvert and extrovert. I am just barely on the introverted side.

The flip side of that coin is when I am alone for too long, I get in my own head. That is where I am now.

I work in a box for 12 hours per night, alone. My schedule is that I work different schedules on different weeks. Therefore, a sleep pattern is non existent.

Throw on top of all this that I had to have some medical tests run that weakened my immune system which opened me up to take the flu, followed by a sinus infection.

Being the person I am, I went back to work too quickly. I didn’t give my body time to heal.

Too much isolation has lead to the spiral I have taken. I need some time with my people. My littles, I haven’t seen them in three weeks. I need some time out in nature. The weather has not been very accommodating for me to be outside.

I need to get my creative groove back which I started last night when I couldn’t sleep.

I need to eat better, sleep better, spend some more time taking care of me. You can’t pour water from an empty vessel.

So for now, I need to do for me, I just hope everyone else can understand.


The Confessional….

In my office, I am the Mama Hen. I work with 6 guys. I am older than all of them. Much older.

I send these guys into harms way on a nightly basis. They depend on me to get them the information they need to be safe. I am a 911 dispatcher.

I worry about “my boys”. If they have to be out on a call that is difficult, if they have to travel on bad roads, I worry about them. My job is to make sure they home to their families safely.

Now,  guys will rag on each other. They compare muscles and daring feats they have performed. They are dudes. When they speak to me though it is different. I can hold my own with them and I get in a good shot every now and then. It catches them by surprises from time to time but over all they are getting used to when I get cranked up, I can give them grief.

As a collective group they are a rowdy group of oversized boys.

When they wander into the office individually, that is when I know they want to talk about something a little deeper.

It may be their marriage, their kids, their spouses sickness and this was just last night.

They know that they can talk to me and I will be honest. I will listen sometimes giving advice, sometimes just being a sounding board.

Last night, the one I have know longest. The leader of the pack, came in and talked to me. His wife is sick and they are having trouble getting her built back up and it has come to the place where he is worried.

Been there and done that. You need to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. It is getting to the place where it is scary for him and he is a tough guy. He has seriously been through some stuff.

I asked how he was dealing with his stress. He has to be on top of his game mentally and physically. He told me that he works out.

Being a walker for several  years and not much more of  a workout I asked him some questions. He is building muscle. I am trying to lose fat and not get saggy. Pushing fifty and being over weight all my teen and adult life. I have to be careful.

We talked about our gym at work, which is good enough for me but doesn’t have the equipment he wants. He told me some things that might help me. He told me which machines to use at the gym.

He talked about what he lifts when he goes to work out and how he encourages the new guys who come in. He even went so far as to tell me that he doesn’t lift heavy in front of new guys because it could discourage him.

I told him that being fat, I didn’t want to go to the gym. He asked me why. I said you are a dude. You aren’t going to judge the new guy coming into the gym. Women are catty. They are going to totally just the size of your ass; how quickly you get winded; if you can’t do it right the first time. They are going to judge you.

He looked at me straight in the eye and said, everybody starts at the same place. The bottom. I didn’t go in lifting what I do now. I used to be embarrassed when I would see other guys lifting triple what I did. It has taken me three years to get to this point.

They he said the thing that really gave me a shot in the arm. He said “And further more, I don’t see you giving a damn”. After he left the office, I thought about what he had said. Why do I give a damn. I am not doing it for them, I am not doing it for vanity sake. I am doing it for my health. I need to get some issues under control and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well.

I think I will go check it out. I may or may not go until warm weather when I can get out and walk more. I would rather be out in nature anyway.

This time, the confessional was meant for me to reveal my insecurities and maybe for my healing.


Trying a Different Approach…

There are situations in life that have you stumped . I have several of those at the moment. One in particular will be the focus of this post.

I deal nightly with someone who is so very angry. They have deeper issues than I wish to go into here.

They often ask for services that we do not provide and see it as a personal attack. It isn’t, we try to appease them but it seems to back fire. When we ask questions we are required to ask we get yelled at and cursed.

I want to be kind and I try but they have the ability to speak to you like you are an underling. Last night they snarkily referred to me as “Humble Servant”, then proceeded to yell at me.

When approached with that much hostility, everybody tends to have a negative response but I have been praying about this.

I let them  have their rant and never spoke. When they  finished, my response was okay. No argument,  no point in that. I did not try to reason. They are not in a place a place in their life where they can not be reasoned with. Perception is reality.

During the second call of the night, they yelled at me,  they accused me of not doing my job and wanted some information. I looked up the information on the web and gave it to them. I didn’t tell them that it would not be helpful, not my place. I did so calmly, I did not get flustered, in an even voice I read off the information on the screen.

When they heard the tone, their whole attitude changed. They explained that it had been a rough time for them. I sat there and I let them talk. See they just want someone to listen.

I never offered advice, not in my scope of duties to do so.

Something occurred to me as well I was talking to them, they are angry at life and the people who sit in my chair are easy targets. Someone is there 24/7. It is easy for people to blame us for their pain.

I know what pain feels like, I never  took it out on others, I punished myself until I learned to cope with it and then learned to love myself just for who I am.

It is how you see the world. Some people see pain as an attack, some see it as a chance to grow because it is as complex and as simple as I said before perception is reality.



I have had some problems with my stomach for a week now. We still don’t know what it is. If it is a bug or medication. We are working on figuring it out.

Now, I am not a weakling when it comes to being sick but this second round of whatever this is kicked my tail literally.

Yesterday, I finally broke down and went to the doctor. I explained to her what was going on.

Her final words to me were, you have to eat. You need nutrition. You are severely dehydrated. We have three options. We can give you fluid here. We can admit you to the hospital or you can drink everything you can hold at home.

I chose to drink at home. So I loaded myself up with Gatorade, water, hot tea anything I could think of.

I have never had anything like this. I really wasn’t able to care for myself. I didn’t want anyone near me, in case it was a virus. I could only react to what my body was doing.

It is hard living alone when you are so very sick. It is easy to fall into the mire and get depressed. About two am yesterday morning, I was praying asking God if I was dying.

I was so sick. Adding to the problem, I caught a cold off a coworker. I couldn’t get warm, I didn’t want to call an ambulance although I strongly thought about it.

I just sat and prayed, waiting for the doctors office to open and believe me, I do not want to go to the doctor. Ever!!!

I had to go for blood work to see if my pancreas had been affected by the new medicines I have been put on. I have been very open about my battle with diabetes. One of the side effects is problems with the very organ that is making you sick in the first place.

Thankfully, that turned out well.

I didn’t want to complain because I have just found out one of my best friends was that same day diagnosed with breast cancer. She was very open about it, which is strange for her as she is very private.

Instead of complaining, I kind of made Where’s Waldo jokes and posted a pic of me in a mask that they made me wear.  Just trying to be upbeat about the whole thing.

Things are better today but I know how a plant feels when it is withered.

Although I have somewhat rehydrated myself, the effects are still there. Now, to get over this hurdle.


On Nights Like This…..


It is four in the morning. Normally I would be at work but I have been sick the last two days. Working on a confined space everyone would rather I keep my bug to myself.

So I sit alone. I have played all my games. Finished an actual hold in your hands and turn the pages book and read two fan fictions on my phone.

The house is silent except the sound of my heat source running. I smell the chamomile tea sitting next to me.

The only light is the floor lamp next to my chair. I am in my bathrobe and little else.

I have basically slept the past two days hoping that sweet relief would come and hoping I didn’t infect anyone else.

My mind has become so trained to my schedule that it knows I should be at work. So sleep evades me for now.

I do not do well with sickness. I can help others through theirs but I get on my own nerves when I am cooped up in the house.

This particilar sickness has shown me a great deal. It has shown me who truly cares about my well being and it has shown me who does not.

I forbade my parents to come into the house. So my mom has been on the phone constantly. My dad brought some jello and saltine crackers by in hopes I could keep that down.

My supervisor has been great through all this taking an extra shift I was supposed to work and working out an exchange so that my night shift counterpart and I will switch a day. She asked me if there was anything she could bring me.

My boss made the same offer.

One of my coworkers dropped off two bottles of Gatorade on my porch and texting me to let me know they were there would not accept any money for them.

The lead officer on my shift called me making sure there was nothing I needed, telling me to call him if I thought of anything.

My person reminded me that rest was the best thing for me at this time, which it was.

My best friend has checked up on my day and night in some form or fashion.

Even my crepeer somehow knew I was sick and asked me how I was feeling. I am assuming someone we both know had told him. Because I sure didn’t. That part freaked me out more than a little.

For the lack of “love”  I feel at times, there are moments like this where I am overwhelmed by the amount of caring shown to me.

There are some I haven’t heard from mostly family but that’s not on me. When they need me I’ll remember to forget. Sometimes holding on hurts worse than letting go.

So for now I sit here in my solitude, drinking my tea, allowing it to comfort me. I will read one more Criminal Minds fan fiction and wait for sunrise so I can get back on my schedule.


A Letter to My Teenage Self….

Dear Younger Me,

I know how you see yourself today.  You don’t see any pride or value in yourself. You see yourself as fat and ugly. You let the words of others make you cry. You feel like you will never be loved for who you are.

You do just enough in school because you don’t want to stand out or be noticed. You are much smarter than you let on. You just don’t like to be compared to your pretty, smart, athletic sister but you don’t have a name, you are just her little sister.

You don’t feel pretty, you are smart but about different subjects than she. You like math and history. You enjoy singing and poetry, yet you never let anyone see that side of you.

You are not athletic, although you tried. You are better at band and flagcorp. You’ve found your teen tribe with the band geeks. Some of them will be your friends all your life.

You will find love, more than once,  there will be a day a day when you can tell the boys that made you cry how bad it made you feel. Some of them will tell you that they messed up. Be kinder to them than they were to you.

You will not always be as big as you are now. Life will hand you struggles and you will hand them right back coming out better for it.

You will encounter pain and grief that at the time will seem unbearable. You will struggle with this and continue to move forward, just remember that forward is forward no matter how slow you go.

You will find out you are a great deal more creative than you think. You will surprise yourself with some things you will learn and become passionate about.

If I can leave you with a shining spotlight on what you have to look forward to it will be this…..

You will be loved and desired. Enjoy the intimate moments physically, mentally and emotionally. Be present for all those moments.

There will be a computer age that is laying right at the front door, embrace it, learn everything you can, you will use those things the rest of your life. They are not all bad though you will find out they can be used for good or evil.

You will not be the mousy girl with the loud laugh all your life , okay you will still have a loud laugh but although it will take it a bit of time you will find that backbone and you will find out that making yourself miserable while keeping everyone happy is no way to live.

Oh yeah, one more thing…. quit crossing your arms. You have big boobs, get over hiding them, not everyone is put off by that, some people actually enjoy those things. Just sayin’.

Now go live a life you will be proud of. Sprinkle glitter and sunshine everywhere you go, the my girl will be your legacy.

With more love than you will ever know,

The 49 year old you


New Years Eve and I partied Like A Rockstar

It is 10:00 pm and I am writing this from my bed.

New Years Eve didn’t turn out like I would have wished. My wish would have been to spend the last day of the year with him. It didn’t happen, I spent my day alone.

I wasn’t bored though. I did my workout. Learning some great new moves that might come in handy someday.

I read for a while. I wrote for a while. I played a few games on my phone. Cleaned a little. Did a test fuse on a new kind of glass, that was a huge disappointment. At 9:00 my local creeper sent a message wishing me a happy new year. Telling me I am sweet and he thinks of me often…..ummm no!

I did another workout with my exercise ball to work on my midsection. I did my balance exercises.

Now, I lay here looking at the red LED lights along the ceiling. I will allow myself to drift off in beautiful restful sleep, knowing that although I was alone, I had a fun day.