It’s Time…

So the last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety. I have a friend who is a nurse and I just sat down and had a talk with her.

We talked about a great number of things. She let me talk as she listened. Then she spoke. She kind of hit me where I lived.

She said, we have known each other a while, yet every time we speak, you put that chair between us. You have a wall up.

You want to let someone in, I see the smile when your phone goes off, there is someone. I had to tell her yes. She said but you are afraid to let him. You have had a big hurt. You don’t know how to take the lead. You are afraid that you will get hurt again.

I understand that change is scary for you. The least little thing can set your anxiety off so you keep yourself being this nice brick wall. Maybe it is time to bust down that wall. You are the only one that can do it. You don’t need to be afraid to let people see the soft person behind that strong persona you put off.

You have lived through the worst thing you could live through. Maybe it is time for you to let someone in, completely.

You need to stop holding yourself to the standard that your do. You give everyone else a pass, you accept everyone’s excuses. Yet, you don’t give yourself the same break.

It is time for you to tear down that wall you have been hiding behind. Maybe it it time for you to love again. It really is okay for you to touch someone you love. It sets off endorphins in the brain. That will help make your life so much better.   You don’t need to be so afraid. Everyone needs to touch and it might be as good for him as it is for you.

It gave me a great deal to think about. Yeah, I think it is time to bust through and find out where things could go if I just throw caution to the wind and live for real.

Screw what everyone else thinks. It is after all my life. It is time for me to love and allow myself to be loved, exactly for who I am.

A woman who craves human contact in the most intimate of ways. A woman who wants to be seen as a sexy beast. A woman who is confident enough in herself to wear that corset she longs to own, for him but more for herself. A woman who wants to be fully awake instead of making love to him in my dreams.

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What The Heck Is Wrong With Me???

I have that feeling of unsettledness at the moment. Not sure where it is leading. I just something is not quite right.

It is one of those times when I am wondering what I have done wrong, although nothing comes to mind. No matter how anyone treats me, I blame myself, if someone is not talking to me, I have done something. I may not have but it is ingrained in my personality type, it is always our fault.

It is the end of the long week at work for me so that could have something to do with it.

It is during that week that I feel isolated. I don’t have much human contact outside work. I work, sleep and eat. You don’t have anyone to sit and talk with face to face. Because, you wake up in time to get to work.

That is the week I don’t get enough fresh air, sunshine and exercise. I start to get into my own head and the overthinking starts.

The negative committee begins to chatter. There is no way he can want you. You are not good enough. You are not smart enough. You feel like your thought process is so simple compared to his world view. What could you do better? Why even though you are trying to lose weight, it seems to hang on for dear life?

You fight against it with all your might. I am as good as anyone else; I am no better but just as good.  I may not be able to do what others do but they can’t do what I do. Don’t sit in the chair for 12 hours. Walk more than you have been walking. Leave the house just a little bit earlier so that you can get more fresh air and sunshine.

Still you struggle. Making yourself mentally and emotionally weary. You just have to carry on and do the best you can. Don’t let anyone see you are not okay right at the moment. You will be again, just not right now.

Tomorrow is my first day of the short week. I have to be at my part time job at noon, so still no rest but human face to face contact. It is a place to start.

When You Don’t Feel Your Best…

I just have felt 100% today, I woke up early and just sort of laid around. I am cutting some of the sugar from my diet in an effort to lose some weight. I did few physically easy things but mostly I just laid around. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just rested, not sleeping just laying.

Last night, I had let a couple of family issues get the better of me and it got my dander up. Then lonely kicked in. That sucked. Sometimes you just need somebody to be there.

I hadn’t been at work long tonight before I got dizzy. I sat there and just kind of let the room spin around me. I had some dinner coming but it wasn’t getting here soon enough.

I had something with me just in case I need it. My arm went numb and now my eye feels funny. I have done the looking mirror, there is no visible drooping. I stuck my tongue out it is straight.

I do notice I have some trouble focusing on the words that pop up on my screen and reading them back. I am in a good place to be checked, if need be.

For now, I will just keep a watch. I think it is okay. Time will tell.

Six Years…

It has been 6 years. 2,190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minutes, 189,216,000 seconds. That is how long it has been since my world changed.

I remember walking into my house after he had to leave me. The transition had happened. He was out of pain. I was in pain.

My mom was with me. My best friend was the first one to show up. I sat on the sofa holding my little dog. It was more his dog than mine. They were there all day together while I worked until he went in the nursing home then most of my time was I there.

I sat there as people wandered through my house. I felt nothing. I watched as they carried food into my house and they sat and talked and honestly, I didn’t hear a sound.

As night fell, I began to pray. I was praying to make it through that first night, just one night was all I prayed for. I laid in the bed that we had slept in together and I cried. I laid there for some time. I remember when I woke up and saw the sun, I said I made it through the first time. I was going to be okay.

I couldn’t go back in my house and I walked off 135 pounds just walking to kill time so I didn’t have to go home to an empty house. Just something to do became therapy, which became a habit, which made me feel better mentally, physically and spiritually.

He had made me promise him that I would be alright and on the days and months that followed when I wanted to give up, I reminded myself of that promise.

When it got unbearable, I decided to end my own life. I knew how I was going to do it, I had a plan. Nobody would have thought anything except that I had grieved myself to death.

On the same day I was going to do it, I was sitting in my chair and I got  a response from a post on facebook that said “I feel ya but that first part isn’t right.” I asked the person to explain themselves. The response “I personally think you are hot and gorgeous”. I remember screaming all over the house. A friend of mine thought that I was hot and gorgeous. Me. Nooooo….. but at that point, I had a reason to want to live again. This man was gorgeous. He was sexy as hell and he thought I was hot and gorgeous?!?!?

I had been flattered by men since my husband had died but this one was different. I had sparked to him the first time I had met him. There was something more to him. Something of quality. Something worth me getting to know him better. That was five years ago. We have been through a great deal together. I have fallen in love for the second time after I thought I wanted to die. He became my person. That person I want to share everything (and I do mean everything) with.

If anyone had ever told me that I would fall in love again, I would have slapped them. If they had told me how deeply I would fall in love the second time, I would have laughed. Yet, here I am.

For the second time in my life, I am in love with a good, honorable man. A man who cares for me. A man who treats me with love and respect. A man who treats me an equal, he doesn’t talk down to me because I am a woman.

Does he still think I am hot and gorgeous? I can’t answer that . Only he knows the answer to that. I hope he does. In my mind I wonder. I am not 20 and skinny. I am not a model. He sees his share of those. I am not the kind of woman men trip over themselves to get to know although, sometimes people tell me I get a second look from time to time. It would be nice to hear it from him from time to time,  that he still thought that.

Life has changed for me a great deal in 6 years, 2190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minutes, 189,216,000 seconds. At times it seems like a lifetime and at times it seems like it just happened.

I had one love and we honored those vows to the very end.  I have just found a new way of living and a new way of loving. the heart can mend and it can love again if given enough time and patience.

 

And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

Today, I Feel Small…

Judging by the title, your train of thought could go one of two ways…another weight loss post or what it actually is, I feel like I don’t matter.

I have spent the weekend working. I have worked on my taxes, a good business woman I am not. I like the creating, hate the book keeping.

I knew I needed to get some images of my jewelry out there. So when I woke up two hours before I should have awakened, I decided that I should take photos instead of making more jewelry. I went into my studio and began to work. I got some good images and have gotten good response from several post on different social media sites. Even got a very nice comment about the bold colors I use.

I realized that there were pieces that all I needed to do was put the finishing touches on. I packed those into my bag to work on tonight.

I went out into my yard and pick up a few stray sticks scattered about by the wind of recent storms.

I went in, got dressed, got my things together for work having talked to nobody. I let calls go to voicemail. On my way out the door I talk to my mom for a moment.

I drive through my small town, all the restaurants were either too peopley or I didn’t want their offerings so I just gave up and went for a walk.

It was when I took the first photo that I realized I feel small today. I was looking down. I know why and that doesn’t matter, it just needs to stop. Don’t look down darling your crown might slip. Raise you head high. Look up. So the next photo took was a photo of a weed with a blue sky in the background.

Oddly enough, I had parked at the office and walked to a place to walk where a great deal of pain had been inflicted on me. It was the place that the things that happened there caused me to have to turn my world upside down.

Sometimes you have to face things you may not want to but you need to. You need to look those things you dislike right in the eye and remind yourself that you are bigger than what you have endured. You are bigger than you feel at times. You are bigger…the last photo I took was of my own shadow, it was bigger.

I finally went and got food. I will eat it at some point. I ate my fortune cookie first, just hoping for some good luck.

Just Do You…

I have something on my mind and I need to get it out there.

I am a big girl. Not as big as some, not as small as others. I am too big to be average size, certainly no supermodel.

I am one of those women who doesn’t show all the cards she is holding.

I think about a great number of things when I am alone, which is a good deal of the time.

I don’t talk about all the things I think about and I don’t put them all on here.

I have those super secret saved pins on Pinterest boards about corsets, lingerie, fishnet stocking and such. Not that I am ashamed of them, it is for the simple fact it is nobody’s business but mine.

I have battled my weight for ummmm….forever. I was a chubby kid, the fat girl, the plus sized woman for most of my life.

Here is what I am… I am a woman. I like frilly things although no one has ever seen them but one man. I don’t wear them for others, I wear them for me. I like they way they feel on my skin. I like knowing they are there and nobody else has a clue.

I have spent an entire lifetime getting to the place where I can feel comfortable in the skin I am in, no matter what the size in my clothes say and believe me when I say the size I used to wear was much larger than I do now. My goal is to live healthier not skinnier.

For my entire married life, my late husband tried to assure me that I was a desirable creature. Believe me, he tried, every chance he got.

I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe him. Shame on me. I should have believed him when he told me those things.

My person has more than once told me that he wishes I could see me the way he sees me. I could tell him the same thing. He kind of blows it off when I try to tell him I find him desirable. I do the same thing. I should say thank you not ahhhh nah.

Lately though, there has been a shift in my thinking. It is up to me if I feel sexy. Sexy is not a clothing size. Never has been, never will be. Beauty comes from the inside. Beauty is seen by those who wish to see it.

What I have been criticizing all these years is what makes me, me. I am not the size I want to be but I am not the size I was and once upon a time, someone found that me desirable.

 Recently, someone told me that I looked happy. I said I am, they said no, you don’t understand, I have never seen you look truly happy. Now, this person has known me for two years. They were part of my troubles which caused my job change. In that however I did find my voice. I also found a place where I am appreciated for the talents I bring. It is appreciated, not abused.

So, no matter if you are a size 2 or a size 22. Love yourself. Love your body. Treat it well, it is the only one you have. Love your heart, your spirit, your soul and your mind for that is who you truly are. Those who make you feel like you are less than if it be for being too skinny or being too fat, that is their problem not yours.

If you wanna wear sexy knickers ( or none) under a uniform, that is nobody’s  business but yours. Just be who you are. Either people will love your for it, tolerate you for it and some will hate you for it.

As a friend told me one about five years ago…. “Just Do You”.