When Your Soul Is Tired….

There is no tired worse than when your soul is tired.

I have been telling people when I would have a few moments of peace that those moments were good for my soul.

The other day, it all collapsed on me at once. It wasn’t one thing it was multiple things.

The thing that really got me thinking that I needed to care for my soul was when they found my neighbor dead.

At that point, I decided my soul needed to rest. It needed care, I wasn’t sure how to start; I began by emptying out. My journal has been busy. I have been writing about all those things that were making me weary.

I didn’t use this time to make anything. I haven’t even stepped foot in my workroom. I cleaned my living space. It tends to get cluttered when my mind is cluttered.

I filled up, I listened to only music that inspired me. I joined the local gym to take care of my body, I read  a book about a strong woman that I admire.

I took some time to relax and watch some movies that make me laugh.

I gave myself a facial, I gave myself a pedicure and a manicure, I took care of my skin.

I fed my mind and my body and ultimately my soul.

Advertisements

Losing myself for a while… in a good way….

673F9D4D-8DD2-4973-B437-49A162D13F25For  several years I have been unable to sit and read an entire book. Being an avid reader my entire life, I found this somewhat disturbing. I have always been able to escape reality through the words of others, painting a masterpiece  in my brain as to the words I was reading on the page. Inspired, so much so,that I work on my own book from time to time. Will it ever be published? I have no idea but it is a goal to for which to strive.

Yesterday, I picked up a book designed with teen steampunk distopian readers in mind. The name of the book is The Nine Pound Hammer by John Claude Bemis.  The first of his clockwork dark trilogy.

I was fortunate enough to get to meet this author at a workshop a few years back in my former life as a youth services librarian. He autographed the books for me. It was pretty cool to meet someone who actually had done what I would  like to do.

Yesterday, I read his words for several hours. I will admit I am a slow reader but I take in every word allowing to add touches with the finest of paint brushes to the painting I am creating in my brain.

The fact that it is a steampunk novel is adding to my reading enjoyment.

As I read the words on the page I could see the lavish train in which the book starts. I could see the dirty children who were being relocated on this particular orphan train.

I saw faces of people who were not  the same as I that he met along the way and I felt the pain as he struggles to find where he is supposed to be in his life.

I felt the pull of the lodestone his father gave him guiding him from adventure to adventure.

For only the second time in six years I was anxious to get back to my easy chair and disappear into the pages of the mode of escape.

Thank you Mr. Bemis. For taking time out of your busy schedule to spend it with a would be writer and for the words that allow me to disappear for a while.

Life on the Discount Rack…

I have always felt like I have been hung on the discount rack. Okay, maybe not all my life. There was a time when someone saw me as top shelf. Keep them behind locked glass and show them off, top shelf.

I guess in the past, I have felt like I am not worth as much love, affection, time and attention as everyone else. I have been that person that was lied to and cheated on before I met my husband and after he passed away the same thing happened until I came to my senses. People played on someone who was grieving and lonely. They lied to the point where they told me they were dying and they were fine. I had to decide to do what was best for my life.

So when I do not see my value or when I feel like others do not value me, I understand why. It is the past coming back to revisit me.

The past has taught me a lesson. I have to value me for who I am. I have to value myself, my skills, my style. I have to like myself first. I have to be proud of me even if no one else says they are. I have to be my biggest supporter. It is a stretch for me. I have spent my life on the discount rack. It is a climb but it is time for me to see my own value.

Taking Care of The Feminine Goddess….

Tonight, I care for my inner goddess. Every woman has one she just may not acknowledge it as freely as I do.

Women are warriors. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom, trying to climb the corporate ladder, building your own business, trying to save the world or to simply save yourself. You are a warrior.

Tonight, I began caring for her by changing the bed she will sleep in. I draped soft sheets over the mattress so they will feel good next to her skin.

I lit a relaxation candle and allowed her to inhale the natural eculyptus that filled the room. I gave the room soft lighting.

I fixed her a healthy steak dinner and washed her dishes. I apologized to her when I had to give her a shot in the stomach. A result of not taking better care of her in the past.

I washed her face and moisturized her skin seeing how tired she looked but promising to do better.

I washed her hair and combed it 100 strokes. I fingered moouse through the strands of her hair. I would allow it to air dry because it is more gentle on her hair.

I dressed her in her favorite garment. The one nobody else has ever seen.

I allowed her to soak her feet and gave her toes a new coat of color.

I rubbed lotion over the curves of her body. She reminded me that she didn’t hate those as much as she once did. She sighed as I rubbed the lotion on her legs and feet.

I fed her a snack of fresh kiwis and strawberries.

I made her a cup of chamomile tea and tucked her into bed.

An evening of self care has made a world of difference in the woman who tries to be a warrior, the kind that wants to save the world.

Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.

The things I Do For Me…..

I have many hobbies. Hobbies, you know those things that you do for enjoyment.

I was going through some paintings I had played with a while back. I had actually forgotten about them. They are abstract. It is just me playing. I liked them a lot. One I am going to hang in my workroom, apparently I am not accomplished enough to call my work space a studio. So, I call it my workroom.

I paint, I read, I write,  I take photos, I try new things, I fail, I try again. Nobody ever gets to see these. It is not their hobby. It is mine. I do these things for my soul.

I don’t need someone judging it by their standard. I simply need to do it to be doing. You won’t ever see any of my work hanging in a museum. You won’t find my writings on the shelves of your favorite bookstore.

It is the pain, joy, flights of fancy and all the other things inside me; done by me and for me.

Stillness In The Eye of The Storm…

So when I was going through my recent bout of anxiety, I got to the point where all I could do was pray. It wasn’t a pretty prayer. It was me at bottom going God I have no where else to look. I need some answers. I need you to help me with this thing. I need you and I need you now.

God is right on time every time. I listened after I prayed. I was taught a lesson in life. I was taught a lesson in humility. I was reminded of some happy times as a child where I overcame my fears and I was told to reach out to others, which I haven’t done in a while.

God showed me through the art that I do how I am being put through the same fire. It will strengthen me just as it does the glass I work with.

I was reminded that I had always allowed my fear to stand in the way of things and it had cost me hours of fun that once I overcame that it was some of the best times of my childhood.

I was reminded that in times of internal struggle, I should turn outward and present others to the world. Build others up. I have cousins who are photographers and jewelry makers just as I am. My person is an artist, he paints and sculpts and so much more. A friend of mine grows pumpkins, his art is in nature. I have three friends who bake cakes. My sister does floral design. My niece is a cosmetologist, her art is done on the human body.  Instead of waiting for them to promote me which none of them do, promote them, not wanting anything in return, just to be kind. Just to show that talent is all around me. I won’t share everything the post but I will try to help them if I can. There are different types of creativity.

In the middle of the chaos of my own making, I found silence in the eye of the storm. I was made aware of a great deal of things. I have now put them into place. Some don’t and won’t understand it. I have to be okay with that. It is not their life. It is mine. I want us all to win. Simple yet so hard for some to understand.