A Time For Self Care

I have been thinking about this depressive episode I am going through.

My personality type requires that I have some alone time. I am on the cusp of being exactly in the middle of introvert and extrovert. I am just barely on the introverted side.

The flip side of that coin is when I am alone for too long, I get in my own head. That is where I am now.

I work in a box for 12 hours per night, alone. My schedule is that I work different schedules on different weeks. Therefore, a sleep pattern is non existent.

Throw on top of all this that I had to have some medical tests run that weakened my immune system which opened me up to take the flu, followed by a sinus infection.

Being the person I am, I went back to work too quickly. I didn’t give my body time to heal.

Too much isolation has lead to the spiral I have taken. I need some time with my people. My littles, I haven’t seen them in three weeks. I need some time out in nature. The weather has not been very accommodating for me to be outside.

I need to get my creative groove back which I started last night when I couldn’t sleep.

I need to eat better, sleep better, spend some more time taking care of me. You can’t pour water from an empty vessel.

So for now, I need to do for me, I just hope everyone else can understand.


A Dinosaurs View of Dating Today…

I am one of those people who can talk to people of all ages. I have friends in their 20s and on up.

Tonight one of them called me and wanted to know if wanted to have dinner with him. I told him I had already eaten and promised him a rain check. His dad is a really good friend of mine. He has recently moved back from where his parents moved to and he is still not reacclimated to small town life.

I have a friend who is 22. She makes me think of myself a great deal. She is funny, smart, introverted, she had just not had the best luck with guys. She has been attracted to a certain type of guy and they have treated her like crap.

Not too long ago, she told me she was going to give herself 6 months before she dated anyone.

Now being a teen in the 1980s meeting people and dating was somewhat different.

This was when phones still had a cord and you would lay in the floor with your feet propped up on the wall and they could hear you giggle or shyly respond to a compliment.  They had to actually ask you out on a date. At my house, your parents met them before you left with them. You had to be careful because the whole family could hear what you were saying and believe me, my folks were listening.

Back in a time before texting and smart phones. We didn’t have messenger or tinder where you swipe one way of you are interested or the other way if you’re not. The only way this dinosaur knows about this stuff is that she has 20 something friends.

You were either dating back in the day or you were just friends. There was not a term called “we’re talking”. If you wanted to communicate you had to talk.

Sorry, I wandered. My friend was going to stay single for six months. Here is a sure fired way to meet someone, give up, swear off dating, give yourself the power to decide what you want, so someone can swoop in and shake you up to your very core.

I know this; it has happened to me twice. Both times turned out great or at least the second one has so far. The first time it happened there was an 18 1/2 year marriage.

The second I have enjoyed keeping company or talking to or whatever it is you do nowadays for 5ish years.

This was after being lied to and cheated on by this lame, cowboy wanna be.  So I know what it is like to say, nah I’d rather be alone.

And right on schedule a handsome, charming, brilliant man notices me. Still trying to understand what he sees in me but I ain’t knocking it.

So the night she told me about the six month thing, I told her to buckle her seatbelt. He came out of no where. He wasn’t on her radar. She was taken aback that he absolutely flipped over her. I see her point of view, I would feel the same way.

She of course started with I have never dated anyone like him before  and being the brutally honest type I said and those turned out so well.

Then she started finding little quirks about him. I knew what was happening, she was running scared. She told me in the past that she had done all the chasing, that when someone was interested in her she got more emotionally invested than they did and a lot faster.

She got spooked. He will drive three hours to spend time with her. He has taken her to meet his parents. He tells her that she is perfect. She doesn’t know what to do with that. I told her to enjoy it. I remember when someone told me I was perfect and beautiful although I couldn’t see it myself. That was another life time. It would take someone seeing it before I admitted it to myself .

She is at the point where he wants to meet her parents and she isn’t sure she is ready for that. I get it, there are family members that I don’t want to subject my person to simply to protect him from them. Family will latch on and pick something apart and ruin something good if you are not careful.

She doesn’t know how to handle this. She is not sure of her feelings. I told her to take her time. Not to make any rash decisions either way, to enjoy the time they spend together.

I understand walls, I have them but if he truly loves her, he will slowly tap and chip away at that wall. If he tries to bulldoze it down she will run like a rabbit.

I don’t know how it will end. I listen to her, weigh in when asked, choose my words so carefully that she made a comment that she sees the wheels turning.

She wants the fairytale. I truly hope she gets it. I have just seen enough of life to realize that everyone seems to think that everything is disposable, including relationships. I don’t see life that way, never have and I guess I never will. I take commitment seriously. I have lived through the worst thing I could. Guess that’s a good thing about being around before swipe left, swipe right and such existed.

On Nights Like This…..


It is four in the morning. Normally I would be at work but I have been sick the last two days. Working on a confined space everyone would rather I keep my bug to myself.

So I sit alone. I have played all my games. Finished an actual hold in your hands and turn the pages book and read two fan fictions on my phone.

The house is silent except the sound of my heat source running. I smell the chamomile tea sitting next to me.

The only light is the floor lamp next to my chair. I am in my bathrobe and little else.

I have basically slept the past two days hoping that sweet relief would come and hoping I didn’t infect anyone else.

My mind has become so trained to my schedule that it knows I should be at work. So sleep evades me for now.

I do not do well with sickness. I can help others through theirs but I get on my own nerves when I am cooped up in the house.

This particilar sickness has shown me a great deal. It has shown me who truly cares about my well being and it has shown me who does not.

I forbade my parents to come into the house. So my mom has been on the phone constantly. My dad brought some jello and saltine crackers by in hopes I could keep that down.

My supervisor has been great through all this taking an extra shift I was supposed to work and working out an exchange so that my night shift counterpart and I will switch a day. She asked me if there was anything she could bring me.

My boss made the same offer.

One of my coworkers dropped off two bottles of Gatorade on my porch and texting me to let me know they were there would not accept any money for them.

The lead officer on my shift called me making sure there was nothing I needed, telling me to call him if I thought of anything.

My person reminded me that rest was the best thing for me at this time, which it was.

My best friend has checked up on my day and night in some form or fashion.

Even my crepeer somehow knew I was sick and asked me how I was feeling. I am assuming someone we both know had told him. Because I sure didn’t. That part freaked me out more than a little.

For the lack of “love”  I feel at times, there are moments like this where I am overwhelmed by the amount of caring shown to me.

There are some I haven’t heard from mostly family but that’s not on me. When they need me I’ll remember to forget. Sometimes holding on hurts worse than letting go.

So for now I sit here in my solitude, drinking my tea, allowing it to comfort me. I will read one more Criminal Minds fan fiction and wait for sunrise so I can get back on my schedule.


Writing Prompt: When you were taught a lesson by a child….

I had a job where I worked around children for 13 years. Never having any offspring of my own, this filled a void in my life; the biggest lesson I was taught by a child was from my littlest little at the time.

At a point when my life changed completely, she was only six months old. As a matter of fact, the  day she was born we were having a cancer treatment and my late husband wanted to make sure that he would not harm her if he went to see her.

He passed away before she was old enough to know him. She doesn’t fully understand that I was once married.

I would follow her as she grew and began crawling, then walking, then running.

I was taking life the same way she was. Learning my way around at first crawling if I needed to. As she was learning to stand on wobbly legs, I was doing so emotionally. She quickly became her own little, quirky personality.

I think I admire that part about her as much as anything. When she has an entire conversation with no one on a cell phone with no service or plays with a computer keyboard saying she can run the world from right there, it gives me an insight into imagination.

She has taught me a great deal and when I am around, I am the chosen playmate. This is because when she lets her imagination run wild, I go right along with her.

Last year for Christmas, when she was 6, I gave her the little point and shoot camera  I bought the day she was born, just to take photos of her. For about a month, her entire family fussed at me because she was blinding them taking pictures. She took it with her to the grocery store one day and actually got some amazing photos.

When she shoots with my big camera, she will take one shot and say It’s good. I’ll say well let me check it. She will say why? It’s good and it always is. Now that is confidence.  She is fearless.

She will from time to time pull out the note that I put in with her camera and show me that she still has it.

She loves to collect rocks. She keeps her collection outside beside the porch but I always try to get her a rock if I go someplace new.

You see although not in chronological years, in many ways we are about the same age and she  taught me how to start over.


The Experience of Overcoming Fear….

I found some writing prompts on Pinterest and thought I would take a break from lamenting over health, family and business . The struggle of being a widow in a world she doesn’t understand anymore and all the other things I add to the blog as they cross my mind.

This exercise will allow me to reach deeper than the current moment and somewhat stretch my creative muscle.

So the first prompt the experience of overcoming fear….

When I first read this, I thought of a single incident when I faced a specific fear. Rereading the same prompt, I allowed myself to remember several.

Fear has drive my existence my entire life.  Several specific things come to mind.

I have a overwhelming fear of snakes. When I was a youth services librarian, we would have a snake program every other summer. Of course my first summer was the snake program. So the day of the program came and the performer hands me two small snakes. They are so small that both of them fit in the palm of one hand. As I’m walking amongst this group of children, I remind myself that I can’t let them see that I’m afraid. So as I’m walking along in the back of my mind I’m singing the words to Jesus loves me suddenly I realize that I’m Singing it out loud. Here is a grown woman carrying two small snakes, humming Jesus loves me and these kids are clamoring to touch the snakes.  In the following years it was much easier for me to assist with this program. Am I still afraid of snakes yes only now I am more educated.

The second time I faced my fear was of course when my husband passed away. I had lived with my parents for 24 years, I had lived with him for 18 1/2 years and at the age of 43,for the first time in my life,  I lived alone. Of course I was scared not of residing by myself. But I’m facing life on my own. The only thing I could see was dark. The bleakness encompassed me. This was probably the lowest point in my life.  I learned a lot during that period of my life. I learned that I was much stronger than I ever thought I could be; yet much weaker than I ever knew.

I was actually at the point where I consider taking my own life but thankfully someone reach through the darkness and allowed me to realize that someone cared for me.

And this brings me to the third  on this post. I remember when I realized that I had fallen in love for the second time in my life. It scared the crap out of me. I knew I had to tell him and I wasn’t sure how he would respond. Fear of rejection is a vicious animal. For two days I didn’t eat or sleep. I was miserable. I wanted so much to tell him how I felt and in my heart of hearts I wanted to him to respond in kind. So the next time  I saw him,  I just blurted, out with ugly crying how I felt about him. I figured once I had told him that he would never speak to me again. Remember I was the fat girl in school that no one wanted to date. We expect what we have experienced in the past. I am happy to say that five years later  he is still talking to me and he has a major influence in my life.

The last point I wish to speak on is when I decided to change jobs at the age of 48. I  had struggled to create something that should’ve been it’s own entity but others wanted to change it and make it fit into their limited  vision. Our vision for this project was much broader than what they saw.  I began to question my own sanity at beating my head over a wall just to see if it would still hurt. Finally giving up I reached out and found a new career. This change completely turned my life topsy-turvy but in the process began to gain I realization  of who I am.

So whatever  you are facing at this moment know that you were strong enough to handle it!!


Silent Screams and Mindful Musings….

I have many wishes and dreams. Some of them about my personal life. Some of them about the business I am trying to grow.

I have thoughts about many different things. My person, my family, my church, my friends. They all are in these thoughts. I don’t talk about it much and when questioned, you can tell from my tone if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling I am filled with.

I am working through some of the things that are weighing me down and I am celebrating those things that lift me up.

I am the type of person who rather than deal with confrontation, will walk away. I will be there if you need me but I will not allow the pain to continue. I will distance myself to save my sanity. Tried to hang on too long once and that bit me.  I am thinking of one person in particular. I felt dismissed by them and therefore, I choose to cut off communication. There is no discussion, the point is mute. Call it a bruised ego if you like. I can deal with that.

In the past 6 years, I have learned to be who I am and do what I love. They don’t understand it and honestly, they have said they are jealous of my freedom. My “freedom” came with a hell of a price. I lost half of me and had to figure out how to survive on my own until there was a bright cloud in a gray sky.

I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, that my life wasn’t over, no matter how many times I wanted it to be and was on the verge of making that happen, at one time. I had to learn that life goes on and love doesn’t die. That it is more than okay to love more than one person in your lifetime.

I have allowed pieces of my personality to come to the forefront like the fact that I am a fan of steampunk and I want to wear corsets, that I like to make messes and masterpieces and they just haven’t seen that side of me. I never let anyone see it. It is my safe place to try, to fail, to try again as many times as I need to.

Through all the things they have been through over the past several years, I have been right there. Through children being born, to falls from grace, to them doing something I thought about, I have been there. Never once, did I question. I was just present to love and support.

When I needed them most, they left me to fend for myself and recently I was reminded of how alone I am. I didn’t and won’t ask why. I don’t need to know. I can’t help how people perceive me. I know who I am, I know my strengths and I know my weakness, I know those things that I yearn for. I deal with those daily.

I work in a job where any call I get can mean life or death. I handle that will skill and confidence. I am the voice behind the backs of those who are entrusted to my care 12 hours  a night. If I need to, I can send more people to their location if I don’t feel right about something. I do that with authority. Yet, when it comes to my own projects, those things I am passionate about, I falter. I stumble. I do it wrong.

When I speak my heart and it is met with indifference, once again, I  retreat. I feel like my voice is unheeded so I slip back into the shell I have built around my turtle like existence.

Believe me when I say I have to summons up every ounce of courage that I can to put my feeling out there. I just usually lay in bed and cry because I can’t be one of those cute flirty girl. I’m just not. I am big and gawky and awkward. By the time I say it, I have run it through my head a hundred times over; Then…. crickets.

My head is busy at all times. Even in my sleep I fight because I can’t relax. Today, while trying to relax, standing beside running water I couldn’t. Life wouldn’t let me.

So I will plod along, with my silent screams and my mindful musings. I will continue to seek that peace that we all search for. I will press on. I will dream and I will wish. It is at the core of my being.

I will not change that for anyone. It is who I am.


Out of Their Box….

Have you ever had people in your life that you felt were ashamed of you? That the only time you hear from them is when they want something from you? They don’t understand that life changed how you see things.

I have some of those people “in” my life. At this point, I am afraid that they are just going to have to get used to who I am.

I am not what they think I should be. I’m not, I am so much more.

I have walked through the fire and that changes you. It will incinerate you or strengthen you.

I have given so much that I depleted myself. I laid in my bed sick for three days and not a one of them checked on me, yet every time their world crumbled, I was right there.

It is fine by me if you don’t think of me as an artist, I know the work I put into my craft. I spend hours working on what I do. Hell, it is tough for me to say I am an artist but I am getting better at it.

You may value the opinion of others more than you do mine. Okie fine, I will keep my opinion to myself.

You may not care if I live or die but I do. I have to burst out of the box people have always known and be who I am. They can like it or not. It is no longer my problem. My problem is that I have accepted being second best all my life.