If you live with anxiety, you know that it is more than worry. If you don’t, please allow me to educate you.
Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional reaction to outside stimuli. (disclaimer…not a physiologist, just a human).
The thing you have been longing for happens and you are excited beyond belief until…..It sneaks up on you. You are okay with failure because you are used to it but now it is happening and you are on sensory overload.
For me it begins physically. Last night, I thought it was a hot flash, as I laid in bed and chewed my lip raw trying not to cry, wanting to run at 2 am, thinking of all the what ifs, you try to stifle the scream building up inside you.
You wake up and even the smell of your coffee makes you sick. You try your best to be excited or at least normal. Then you find someone you think will understand and the word vomit begins.
Things don’t always work out as planned. Your silent pleads for understanding are not heard. You need to tell someone yet you struggle to find the words to make them understand the storm going on inside you and you become more anxious until you are in tears.
Your head is telling you to stop. You heart is begging you not to let them see. Yet you can not stop. They roll down your cheeks as you try to control the sob rising up in your throat.
The more you speak the deeper you dig the hole until you see no way out, so you stop talking.
You suck it up and deal with it the best way you can, on your own. You use those coping skills you have learned. For me when it gets awful, I need touch. I have to have a stress ball, play dough, something that is forgiving to work with. Sometimes, I need to feel the bark of a tree, moss, something created by someone bigger than me.
People don’t understand that you really have no control over it. You really try to, but you don’t. You cope.
The best comparison I can think of is my aunt. She is totally blind. She has been for years. You can’t tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying any more than you can tell her to see. She has eyes. Her eyes are open, she is coping with her blindness but she can’t see like we do. She uses her hands to “see”. Telling people with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell them until you are blue in the face and it won’t change a thing.