Whatever State You Are in , Be Content…..

Usually, when I work on Saturday night, I don’t go to church on Sunday. This Sunday was different.  I started my vacation that night. There was only one thing I wanted to do on my vacation. I wanted to just go on a day trip to one place. I hinted to it but it hasn’t happened. It isn’t but a 3 hour drive.

As I sat there, in church, I listened as the preacher  read my moms favorite Bible verse. He talked about God providing for our needs but we as human beings don’t know sometimes the difference between needs and wants.

We feel like it is a need but is it?

My anxiety level was high. I had a program the next day and it had been a year and a half since I had worked with kids. Did I still have it? Was I going to fall on my face? I was so anxious, I couldn’t sleep. At all!!

I went to church and went out to lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down. Couldn’t sleep. Posted a sale on my jewelry. Dealt with that. Went over my talk with the kids in my mind. Went through the stuff I was taking on last time.

I knew I was as ready as I could be, yet, my anxiety was still high. Anxiety feeds off anxiety. You get lost in your own thoughts and it lead to sheer misery at times. This was where I was at. I just wanted someone to take me and hold me. Not just anybody. Him. He was busy, he was working on a project and he was kind of quite. I really wanted to talk to him but he needed to do what he needed to do, I get that. I didn’t want to bother him, I feel like I bother him too much as is.

I began to cry my eyes out. I couldn’t stop it from coming. I was trying, believe me. I finally started praying. And somewhere deep inside me I heard the words, be content.

This was about 4 hours before I was supposed to get up and get ready for the program.

All went well. The kids were happy, the people who hired me were happy. I was happy.

Within 30 minutes, I received a phone call that I needed to meet with some people about some of my jewelry that had been jurored. Once again, the anxiety level went back up. Once again inside me I hear the words, be content.

That night I slept like a baby. I asked him if he wanted to come with me but he never responded until I was there. I would have liked the company as he is more used to this than I am but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had the meeting. It went better than I figured. I was happy about that. I then came home to  an empty house. I played in the dirt resetting some plants. I went and got dinner and ate alone. I was kind of sad there was no one to share it with in person. I sat and I ate in silence. The words came back to me. Be content.

I am going to hold on to those words of life with everything I have inside me. If I am alone or with someone, be content.

If things are going well or life is beating me up, be content. For you see I am never truly alone. There are things I want but do I need them. Lonesome is a state of mind. I just work until my body tells me to go to bed. Then I lay there and think of the good things in my life and I am content.

Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

In Case You Didn’t Know…

I am inside my head way too much right at this moment. It is a cancer eating away at me.

I can’t sleep well,  I can’t eat, I am a frigging cry bag and I can’t stop. I have gnawed on my lip until it is raw. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Nothing is working out right. Today I was attempting to cut a piece of glass and wound up cutting myself and threw everything across the house. It wasn’t the glasses fault. It was my fault. Right now I feel everything is my fault.

Why? Because I fear, I hurt someone that I love more than I love my own self. I didn’t do it on purpose. I meant what I said as a compliment. It was mixed amongst babble. I wasn’t trying to down play his artistry, I am envious of what he can do, that I can’t do so well.

Working nights, you lose precious time. Everyone else lives in a daytime world. I live in a night time world. You work three straight 12 hours shifts and that leaves no time to take care of what you need to take care of. I am seeing it in the relationships of some of my co-workers. We all are losing time with those we love.

I want to see him face to face and explain that I believe in him so much and I want him to believe in himself as well. From the bottom of my heart, I feel he can do anything he sets his mind to do. I have seen him do amazing things. He is so smart and talented and I have to wonder what in the hell he could ever see in me. I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense, I don’t feel like I am smart or talented…what is it?

I want to take him by his face and tell him that he is the best person I know, that I wish I could be more like him. He is so level headed and looks at life from a much different perspective than I do. He ignites a fire deep within me, in more than one way. I want to tell him he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I want us to work on projects together, each of us using our own special talents and gifts. I want him to be a part of every moment of my life. Every moment, good and bad. I want to be that for him as well.

But for now, I sit in a darkened room, waiting for a phone to ring, telling people I am just tired, fighting back tears. It is just easier.

I want to be with him, I want to take him by his face, I want to look him in the eye and say loudly and babble free. I love you!! I have loved you for so long, I would hurt myself before I would intentionally hurt you. I desire for all your dreams to come true. I admire who you are and what you do. You give my otherwise pitiful existence meaning. You reminded me how to live and love.

Just in case you didn’t know.

And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

Someone To Believe In…

In my last post, I wrote how my person believes in me. Today, I made it a point to thank him for that.

When  I don’t believe in myself. He stands firmly behind me.

When I wanted to run yesterday when people were asking me to teach a class on the jewelry I make and giving me forms and cards and I wanted to bolt for the door. I knew he was right there. Standing there silently laughing at the discomfort I was feeling. It honestly made me feel better. Knowing that seeing me shrink from all the attention I was getting was giving him a good, silent inward chuckle.

I wanted to fall through the floor honestly. My introvert cringed. My extrovert tried to compensate rather poorly, I might add.

Two conversations

“Will you teach a class? Maybe

Will you? Maybe

I will get you some forms to fill out.”
———————————————————————————-

“What do you make?

Jewelry. Here is some of what I do.

Why don’t I know you?

I don’t know.

What are you doing Saturday Night?

Working.

We are having a gala and I was hoping you would come and meet some of the other artist.

I’m working”

What she didn’t know is that I am a piddler. He is the true artist. He didn’t say a word and in my defensive mode, I couldn’t say much. I couldn’t think. Just respond appropriately. I felt like an idiot.

As I am leaving. I hear him say it is all happening so fast.

Apparently, he was saw the look on the woman’s face. I tried to be polite but I just wanted to bolt. I obviously did.

Things seem to come in waves. Fast and overwhelming. This is how my life goes. I have tried to explain that. I think he always thought it was me until he saw yesterday how it happens. Then I get the deer in the headlights look. My brain shuts down. Everything I know goes flying by the wayside. I just am in functioning mode at that point.

Don’t get me wrong. These are good things happening but yet, I am overwhelmed.

I told him today. I wanted to bolt out of there. I didn’t know what to say, to think, to do, when they were telling me to sign the receipt for my purchase, I said oh are you talking to me. When I said I wanted to run, his reply was…  you pretty much did. I laughed but in my mind I was asking Did I really.

I will work through this part, I will overthink and over plan and everything will be fine. It is my process.

He has seen it many times.And thankfully, has stuck by me, each and every time.

It is much easier for me to believe in him than it is for me to believe in me.

I know he can do anything. He is amazing. He is so smart and so genuine. He doesn’t put on pretense to make a show. He is who he is and I so like that about him. He keeps me grounded when I go off on some wild tangent of why things aren’t going like I think they should. He is smart and funny. He is a true artist in every sense of the word. He gives me a reason to smile every day.  He doesn’t realize that I thank God everyday that he came into my life.

He is someone I believe in. More than he could ever know.

Not That Girl Anymore….

I have always allowed myself to feel second rate. It is nothing I consciously did, it was just that I always felt inferior.

My sister never studied and she was a straight A student. She could pass a test and never open a book. She was the basketball star, she has kids and grand kids.

I struggled with each and every C that I earned. I was the band geek, I did run track for two years but I was average at that. Band was more my thing. I never managed to bring life into the world and it is too late to start now.

When trying to learn new things, I go through the same process and come test time. I panic. I know it is going to happen and I prepare for that.

In my jobs, although competent to do jobs I have had, I live in a culture that uses fear and threats as motivation. So by the time I had left a job, I was beaten down.

Here is the thing though, now I don’t  allow that to happen to me. I am not the best in the world but I am not the worst either. I do there very best job I can for the people I work with and those I serve.

I give the best of me to my person, my family, my friends and my co-workers. This time though, I save a little bit for me. I learn something new every day. I will get something on my mind and I will research it. I never want to stop learning. I allow myself to meditate and contemplate life and the world around me, I make sure I write in my journal to get my feelings onto paper. Even when it hurts that is when I need to write most. I love sharing my love of journaling with others.

I may not be the cute little thing  that men desire, I know my flaws better than anyone, but I have a good heart and a thirst for knowledge. Most recently have been studying up on hydroponics and aquaponics. I may never use it but I can speak clearly about it. Then again, I might use it. You never know.

I am secure in who I am when I are working on my job and if there is something that comes up that I haven’t handled before, I call on the resources at my disposal.

I have grown a great deal in six years. Some may see it as a good thing, some may see it as a bad thing. I see it as an amazing thing. I am happy that I have taken some of the chances I have taken. I used to be the kid who was scared of her shadow, the one who was always at the back of the line. Now, I found out that me might get to do a ride along in a medical air transport unit and I was the first to shoot my hand in the air and almost scream I want to do it.

I want the most of the time I have left here. I don’t want to live my life as someone who is afraid to take risk. I might get rejected, I may very well fail but I won’t be found not trying.

Living life as a second class citizen, an option, that is not for me anymore.

Two Anxiety Attacks In Two Days…

I haven’t felt the greatest the last two days. The flu bug has hit my workplace with a vengeance. I have been doing what I know to do to ward it off, extra sleep (which is hard to do when you work nights) and work your schedule fluctuates it is hard to get the rest you need on a normal basis.

So yesterday when I woke up in a cold sweat, I could feel it coming on. The it, wasn’t the  flu, it was an anxiety attack. I worked my way through it. I washed a few clothes. I cooked. I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t eat but I cooked. I did a photographic experiment, that totally worked. I did anything to stay busy. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it. I just dealt.

At one point, I knew my grandmothers spirit had stopped by for a minute. I smelled her. Funny thing, it was while I was cooking. I was making enough food to share with my person, hoping to see him and surprise him. That did not happen. The reason I think she stopped by then was because cooking was her love language. She would cook for those she loved. If she knew you like something she cooked, she made sure you got plenty of it.

Finally, I sat down and had a good cry. I got up, I came to work and once here, I was able to manage it.

It was very busy last night. So, I didn’t have time to validate what was going on inside. I need to handle the external so the internal needed to hang on. I wanted to laugh so I watched some youtube videos of the Little Rascals. Hopefully, the urge to laugh would drown out the negative feelings I was having. I actually took time to draw how I was feeling on the inside.

Today, I woke up and started to piece together a jewelry piece I have been working on in my mind for several days. It wasn’t working out like I had thought. I felt the anxiousness coming back. This time I approached it much differently. I sat. I closed my eyes, I listened….to the sound of cars on the highway outside my window. There was life outside what I felt at this moment. I heard the air cleaner in my living room humming. I heard the faucet in my kitchen dripping. I heard the ice in my ice maker drop.

After sitting there listening to the sounds of my life, how my house sounds when I am not there; I opened my eyes I looked around and saw my nice clean living space, I saw one of my mantras hanging on the wall, I saw a painting of my reconstructed heart that I had painted several years ago. I saw how the light from the lamp beside me played on the dvd cases across the room; just anything to connect me to the present.

When I got ready to come to work, I put some of my favorite items underneath my uniform, pulled on my fishnets and slid into my favorite cowboy boots. It made me feel better.

I know what has set this off, my concern is how I react to it. I think today turned out much better.