And They Are Back….

The dreams, they are back.

They come when I am stressed and I have been stressed for a while. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. No reason to, I am in one of those I am pretty much worthless spots I go through. That I don’t matter. That if I disappeared from the planet no one would notice. I don’t plan on harming myself, I just feel like I matter to no one. .

You know those spots when you feel like you are fighting a dragon with a medicine dropper filled with water. You can’t stop what you are feeling. You try to keep it down but you can’t.

This feeling will pass. I know it will. I just have to weather the storm. So, I go silent. Nobody in my real life gets to see this part. They truly do not understand so I just keep it to myself.

This time was the dream consisted of me being trapped somewhere and I couldn’t escape. I was trying with all my might but I couldn’t get free.

Yesterday, the dream seemed to manifest itself. I needed to get some supplies for my jewelry business. The people who have decided it was gallery worthy now wanted some tweaks.

Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and being an INFJ (an inquisitive one) I stopped by to talk to them and sure enough, they had some changes they wanted me to make.

Sure, I can do that. It should be easy enough and it is, only it is on a massive scale and it is going to cost more, which means I am by necessity going to require that my prices go up.

Now, this bothers me, that I am going to have to be vocal about this but I have put a great deal of money in time into this just to be told that after they had accepted it that they want this change.

Being fair, on the flip side of the same coin, I know they are telling me this to help me be a better artist. I don’t resent the changes, I struggle with saying that it is costing me time and money so therefore, I will have to offset my cost.

Sorry, I wandered off point.

So, I needed to get supplies and I felt uneasy about it the whole time I was getting ready. I would be going on this trip alone, not by choice but alone just the same. It was going to be quick because I needed to get what I required  and get to work.

I made three stops. Lunch, the supplies I needed and to get my niece a cupcake for her birthday.

Everything was going great until the last stop. I pulled in beside a Ford Explorer. I saw there was a man sitting in the car. I went inside, made my purchase and came back out.

As I started to make the turn toward my car, the door of the Explorer opened and a man stepped out and he said “Well, I guess I am in your way.” My reply, that’s fine come on. He closed the door and stood there and said you can come on through. There was not a great deal of space and I was going to be trapped between two cars with a man who made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Negative Ghost Rider.

I looked at him and said again You can just come right on through. Now my demeanor was calm but inside I was figuring out how to protect myself and get out of this situation. Kick him in the nuts if he touches you, go to the other side of you car and grab your taser and light him up like a Christmas tree.

As he walked toward me, I kept stepping backward. I was going to be in the great wide open. I waited for him to turn toward the store. I quickly got into my car and locked the door on the off chance that he came back.

Once I got my bearings back, I started home. I wasn’t scared. I was angry and hurt. I still am. For several reasons, my sense of safety was violated. I was alone.

So today, I stayed home, by choice. I didn’t want to be around people. I packed my lunch so I would not be out in a public space. I drove from home to work.

People tend to make light of this but in the business I work in, you become more aware of your surroundings. You don’t want to call 911 if you are able and say something bad happened to me, because I wasn’t safe.

It will be a while before I am able to go back there. I will make do the best I can. I will not feel safe for a good while. Last night I kept checking to make sure my doors were locked. I don’t feel safe right now. That has to be okay, not that it is acceptable just that I have to deal with it on my terms.

 

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Anxiety is a Sneaky Bastard….

If you live with anxiety, you know that it is more than worry. If you don’t, please allow me to educate you.

Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional reaction to outside stimuli. (disclaimer…not a physiologist, just a human).

The thing you have been longing for happens and you are excited beyond belief until…..It sneaks up on you.  You are okay with failure because you are used to it but now it is happening and you are on sensory overload.

For me it begins physically. Last night, I thought it was a hot flash, as I laid in bed and chewed my lip raw trying not to cry, wanting to run at 2 am, thinking of all the what ifs, you try to stifle the scream building up inside you.

You wake up and even the smell of your coffee makes you sick.  You try your best to be excited or at least normal. Then you find someone you think will understand and the word vomit begins.

Things don’t always work out as planned. Your silent pleads for understanding are not heard. You need to tell someone yet you struggle to find the words to make them understand the storm going on inside you and you become more anxious until you are in tears.

Your head is telling you to stop. You heart is begging you not to let them see. Yet you can not stop. They roll down your cheeks as you try to control the sob rising up in your throat.

The more you speak the deeper you dig the  hole until you see no way out, so you stop talking.

You suck it up and deal with it the best way you can, on your own. You use those coping skills you have learned. For me when it gets awful, I need touch. I have to have a stress ball, play dough, something that is forgiving to work with. Sometimes, I need to feel the bark of a tree, moss, something created by someone bigger than me.

People don’t understand that you really have no control over it. You really try to, but you don’t. You cope.

The best comparison I can think of is my aunt. She is totally blind. She has been for years. You can’t tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying any more than you can tell her to see. She has eyes. Her eyes are open, she is coping with her blindness but she can’t see like we do. She uses her hands to “see”. Telling people with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell them until you are blue in the face and it won’t change a thing.

Whatever State You Are in , Be Content…..

Usually, when I work on Saturday night, I don’t go to church on Sunday. This Sunday was different.  I started my vacation that night. There was only one thing I wanted to do on my vacation. I wanted to just go on a day trip to one place. I hinted to it but it hasn’t happened. It isn’t but a 3 hour drive.

As I sat there, in church, I listened as the preacher  read my moms favorite Bible verse. He talked about God providing for our needs but we as human beings don’t know sometimes the difference between needs and wants.

We feel like it is a need but is it?

My anxiety level was high. I had a program the next day and it had been a year and a half since I had worked with kids. Did I still have it? Was I going to fall on my face? I was so anxious, I couldn’t sleep. At all!!

I went to church and went out to lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down. Couldn’t sleep. Posted a sale on my jewelry. Dealt with that. Went over my talk with the kids in my mind. Went through the stuff I was taking on last time.

I knew I was as ready as I could be, yet, my anxiety was still high. Anxiety feeds off anxiety. You get lost in your own thoughts and it lead to sheer misery at times. This was where I was at. I just wanted someone to take me and hold me. Not just anybody. Him. He was busy, he was working on a project and he was kind of quite. I really wanted to talk to him but he needed to do what he needed to do, I get that. I didn’t want to bother him, I feel like I bother him too much as is.

I began to cry my eyes out. I couldn’t stop it from coming. I was trying, believe me. I finally started praying. And somewhere deep inside me I heard the words, be content.

This was about 4 hours before I was supposed to get up and get ready for the program.

All went well. The kids were happy, the people who hired me were happy. I was happy.

Within 30 minutes, I received a phone call that I needed to meet with some people about some of my jewelry that had been jurored. Once again, the anxiety level went back up. Once again inside me I hear the words, be content.

That night I slept like a baby. I asked him if he wanted to come with me but he never responded until I was there. I would have liked the company as he is more used to this than I am but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had the meeting. It went better than I figured. I was happy about that. I then came home to  an empty house. I played in the dirt resetting some plants. I went and got dinner and ate alone. I was kind of sad there was no one to share it with in person. I sat and I ate in silence. The words came back to me. Be content.

I am going to hold on to those words of life with everything I have inside me. If I am alone or with someone, be content.

If things are going well or life is beating me up, be content. For you see I am never truly alone. There are things I want but do I need them. Lonesome is a state of mind. I just work until my body tells me to go to bed. Then I lay there and think of the good things in my life and I am content.

Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

In Case You Didn’t Know…

I am inside my head way too much right at this moment. It is a cancer eating away at me.

I can’t sleep well,  I can’t eat, I am a frigging cry bag and I can’t stop. I have gnawed on my lip until it is raw. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Nothing is working out right. Today I was attempting to cut a piece of glass and wound up cutting myself and threw everything across the house. It wasn’t the glasses fault. It was my fault. Right now I feel everything is my fault.

Why? Because I fear, I hurt someone that I love more than I love my own self. I didn’t do it on purpose. I meant what I said as a compliment. It was mixed amongst babble. I wasn’t trying to down play his artistry, I am envious of what he can do, that I can’t do so well.

Working nights, you lose precious time. Everyone else lives in a daytime world. I live in a night time world. You work three straight 12 hours shifts and that leaves no time to take care of what you need to take care of. I am seeing it in the relationships of some of my co-workers. We all are losing time with those we love.

I want to see him face to face and explain that I believe in him so much and I want him to believe in himself as well. From the bottom of my heart, I feel he can do anything he sets his mind to do. I have seen him do amazing things. He is so smart and talented and I have to wonder what in the hell he could ever see in me. I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense, I don’t feel like I am smart or talented…what is it?

I want to take him by his face and tell him that he is the best person I know, that I wish I could be more like him. He is so level headed and looks at life from a much different perspective than I do. He ignites a fire deep within me, in more than one way. I want to tell him he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I want us to work on projects together, each of us using our own special talents and gifts. I want him to be a part of every moment of my life. Every moment, good and bad. I want to be that for him as well.

But for now, I sit in a darkened room, waiting for a phone to ring, telling people I am just tired, fighting back tears. It is just easier.

I want to be with him, I want to take him by his face, I want to look him in the eye and say loudly and babble free. I love you!! I have loved you for so long, I would hurt myself before I would intentionally hurt you. I desire for all your dreams to come true. I admire who you are and what you do. You give my otherwise pitiful existence meaning. You reminded me how to live and love.

Just in case you didn’t know.

And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

Someone To Believe In…

In my last post, I wrote how my person believes in me. Today, I made it a point to thank him for that.

When  I don’t believe in myself. He stands firmly behind me.

When I wanted to run yesterday when people were asking me to teach a class on the jewelry I make and giving me forms and cards and I wanted to bolt for the door. I knew he was right there. Standing there silently laughing at the discomfort I was feeling. It honestly made me feel better. Knowing that seeing me shrink from all the attention I was getting was giving him a good, silent inward chuckle.

I wanted to fall through the floor honestly. My introvert cringed. My extrovert tried to compensate rather poorly, I might add.

Two conversations

“Will you teach a class? Maybe

Will you? Maybe

I will get you some forms to fill out.”
———————————————————————————-

“What do you make?

Jewelry. Here is some of what I do.

Why don’t I know you?

I don’t know.

What are you doing Saturday Night?

Working.

We are having a gala and I was hoping you would come and meet some of the other artist.

I’m working”

What she didn’t know is that I am a piddler. He is the true artist. He didn’t say a word and in my defensive mode, I couldn’t say much. I couldn’t think. Just respond appropriately. I felt like an idiot.

As I am leaving. I hear him say it is all happening so fast.

Apparently, he was saw the look on the woman’s face. I tried to be polite but I just wanted to bolt. I obviously did.

Things seem to come in waves. Fast and overwhelming. This is how my life goes. I have tried to explain that. I think he always thought it was me until he saw yesterday how it happens. Then I get the deer in the headlights look. My brain shuts down. Everything I know goes flying by the wayside. I just am in functioning mode at that point.

Don’t get me wrong. These are good things happening but yet, I am overwhelmed.

I told him today. I wanted to bolt out of there. I didn’t know what to say, to think, to do, when they were telling me to sign the receipt for my purchase, I said oh are you talking to me. When I said I wanted to run, his reply was…  you pretty much did. I laughed but in my mind I was asking Did I really.

I will work through this part, I will overthink and over plan and everything will be fine. It is my process.

He has seen it many times.And thankfully, has stuck by me, each and every time.

It is much easier for me to believe in him than it is for me to believe in me.

I know he can do anything. He is amazing. He is so smart and so genuine. He doesn’t put on pretense to make a show. He is who he is and I so like that about him. He keeps me grounded when I go off on some wild tangent of why things aren’t going like I think they should. He is smart and funny. He is a true artist in every sense of the word. He gives me a reason to smile every day.  He doesn’t realize that I thank God everyday that he came into my life.

He is someone I believe in. More than he could ever know.