Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

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And Then Came The Crash….

It has been a hard couple of weeks. Worked an extra shift, switched my schedule to photograph a wedding that cancelled my services 12 hours before I was supposed to be there, had a big to do at work, followed by working 3 straight 12 hour shifts when I should have worked two.

I am not whining (okay maybe a little) but that is much better than I felt earlier today.

Let’s go back to yesterday….. Zigzag lines inserted here.

We were honored publicly at work by our community, which is cool, unless you are introverted and the low chick on the totem pole.

We were standing inside and everyone was talking about this person being there for them and that person being there for them. I kept silent. I was asked if anyone was going to be there for me. Nope. Nobody. Nada. Zipola.

Not that I didn’t know pretty much everyone there. Some I was glad to see, some I could have done without; but none of them were there for me.

We were in the middle of a large group of people, with our backs to them. You wondered what was going on behind you. My guys all had to leave because the job still goes on no matter what.

When it was over, I wandered around alone killing a couple hours before going on shift. This is when I felt the crash coming on. I knew it was coming. I was exhausted. Hell, if everything goes well, I will be 49 in two days. I have to work but hopefully I will be around to do so.

 I thought about a couple of guys that I went to school with that had passed away in two weeks. I cried for their families.

One had been sick for a while. The other was sudden. They will not see another birthday.

I have not seen my people in a week. Well, my best friend I saw on Tuesday but to have contact with my person, my folks, my girls, it has been a week.

Although I test an introvert, I am more of an ambivert so I need that social interaction with those I love. I hinted a couple times that I wanted to spend time, only to be shot down.

To quote Kid Rock, I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days.

I have not been taking care of myself physically, I have been sleeping but not resting. I have been eating one meal in 24 hours. I have been having kidney issues from a trip I had to take for work and couldn’t use the bathroom for 6 hours. Not good for someone with kidney stones.

My job is both mentally and emotionally draining so some calls you sleep with, even though you don’t want to. I went to sleep today with my door unlocked and the keys hanging in the door. That is exhausted.

Today when I woke up, I cried til I thought there was nothing left. My sister texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come to her house and pick up my birthday present since they were going to be out of town on Monday.

I didn’t answer immediately. So she sent me a facebook message. Okay, drag yourself out of bed. Make your body move whether you want to or not. You need food it has been 15 hours since you ate. So I go over, I walked into her house, listen to her talk to someone on the phone for 15 minutes while it sit there with my arms crossed across my body telling her I am practicing for my funeral.

Then the six year old showed up. We listened to music, we swung on the swing set, we took a walk and picked wild strawberries.

We had food, we played frisbee and of course it landed on the roof. With some help, she climbed the ladder and got it, proclaiming as she worked her way down the ladder that she wasn’t afraid of heights.

I  asked her at one point to tell me the secret of life, somewhere along the way, I have lost it, if I ever knew it, so she told me a story about nice people who live in the woods.

When I got ready to leave, I told them to have fun at the beach. She told me she would bring me back a seashell for my birthday but she WOULD NOT tell me what color.

I came back home and went back to bed. I slept another 6 hours. In less that 20 hours, I have slept 16. I know a change is going to have to happen.

I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel alone and isolated. This is not good for my mental health.

For now, night shift brain has kick in. It is the middle of the night. I am wide awake and the person I love is sleeping (I guess) so I sit here and I cry.

The crash finally came.

Do You Ever Feel Yourself Just Disappearing???…..

 I will admit that I am struggling with life right now. I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Alone. The only time I feel alive is when I am with him.

I am working on a project that is requiring more organizational skills than I possess. I am having to dig deep for this one and it is taking a toll on me.

I am setting up a studio of sorts. I want to reclaim my living space from piles of stuff I use to work on projects. Maybe some day, someone will want to come visit me and it would be nice for them to have a place to sit.

So for the last two days, I have worked on this project. Only seeing people when I go to buy shelving and when I get something to eat; otherwise, I am working on this project for hours and hours.

I will take something out of the room and take something into the room. There are things that must remain in the room and I have to work around those. There are things that will be used that are already in the room, they will just be re-purposed for a light table and not a computer desk.

I will set something on the shelf, trying to keep like things together and having many interest some of the items cross over from project to project. I may use something for home decor and jewelry. I may use it for photographing jewelry.  OMG… Does it go with home decor, jewelry, photography (insert scream here). So where does it live? Where does it belong? I kind of know how it feels right at this moment.

I have been so focused on this and thinking it would be easier than it is, that I am beginning to get lost and just wander with something in my hand asking myself  where does it go?

The introvert in my knows that it will totally be worth it and I can listen to my music and dance around in my underwear if I want to while I am working on this.

The extrovert in me screams….GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF MY OWN MIND. I NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. I NEED TO TALK.  I NEED COMPANIONSHIP. I NEED TO LAUGH!!!

Yet, it is silent, for the most part. I feel like I am slowly disappearing. I am becoming invisible. I am just this thing in these four walls then I move to another four walls for twelve hours and repeat the process.  The thought even crossed my mind, Am I going to die? Is there something in me preparing for others to go through my belongings when I am gone.

At this point, I feel like I am being left out of my own life.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from buying shelving for this project, I heard the song perfect by Pink.  Here is a link if you don’t know the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12L8Tus290I

I found myself driving up the road, tears rolling down my face. I feel so much like nothing right now. I feel  so much less than perfect right at this moment.

My house is a complete wreck but I knew going into it that I would have to tear down to build up. Sadly, I have had to do that way too many times in my life.