The dreams, they are back.
They come when I am stressed and I have been stressed for a while. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. No reason to, I am in one of those I am pretty much worthless spots I go through. That I don’t matter. That if I disappeared from the planet no one would notice. I don’t plan on harming myself, I just feel like I matter to no one. .
You know those spots when you feel like you are fighting a dragon with a medicine dropper filled with water. You can’t stop what you are feeling. You try to keep it down but you can’t.
This feeling will pass. I know it will. I just have to weather the storm. So, I go silent. Nobody in my real life gets to see this part. They truly do not understand so I just keep it to myself.
This time was the dream consisted of me being trapped somewhere and I couldn’t escape. I was trying with all my might but I couldn’t get free.
Yesterday, the dream seemed to manifest itself. I needed to get some supplies for my jewelry business. The people who have decided it was gallery worthy now wanted some tweaks.
Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and being an INFJ (an inquisitive one) I stopped by to talk to them and sure enough, they had some changes they wanted me to make.
Sure, I can do that. It should be easy enough and it is, only it is on a massive scale and it is going to cost more, which means I am by necessity going to require that my prices go up.
Now, this bothers me, that I am going to have to be vocal about this but I have put a great deal of money in time into this just to be told that after they had accepted it that they want this change.
Being fair, on the flip side of the same coin, I know they are telling me this to help me be a better artist. I don’t resent the changes, I struggle with saying that it is costing me time and money so therefore, I will have to offset my cost.
Sorry, I wandered off point.
So, I needed to get supplies and I felt uneasy about it the whole time I was getting ready. I would be going on this trip alone, not by choice but alone just the same. It was going to be quick because I needed to get what I required and get to work.
I made three stops. Lunch, the supplies I needed and to get my niece a cupcake for her birthday.
Everything was going great until the last stop. I pulled in beside a Ford Explorer. I saw there was a man sitting in the car. I went inside, made my purchase and came back out.
As I started to make the turn toward my car, the door of the Explorer opened and a man stepped out and he said “Well, I guess I am in your way.” My reply, that’s fine come on. He closed the door and stood there and said you can come on through. There was not a great deal of space and I was going to be trapped between two cars with a man who made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Negative Ghost Rider.
I looked at him and said again You can just come right on through. Now my demeanor was calm but inside I was figuring out how to protect myself and get out of this situation. Kick him in the nuts if he touches you, go to the other side of you car and grab your taser and light him up like a Christmas tree.
As he walked toward me, I kept stepping backward. I was going to be in the great wide open. I waited for him to turn toward the store. I quickly got into my car and locked the door on the off chance that he came back.
Once I got my bearings back, I started home. I wasn’t scared. I was angry and hurt. I still am. For several reasons, my sense of safety was violated. I was alone.
So today, I stayed home, by choice. I didn’t want to be around people. I packed my lunch so I would not be out in a public space. I drove from home to work.
People tend to make light of this but in the business I work in, you become more aware of your surroundings. You don’t want to call 911 if you are able and say something bad happened to me, because I wasn’t safe.
It will be a while before I am able to go back there. I will make do the best I can. I will not feel safe for a good while. Last night I kept checking to make sure my doors were locked. I don’t feel safe right now. That has to be okay, not that it is acceptable just that I have to deal with it on my terms.