It’s Time…

So the last time I wrote, it was about my anxiety. I have a friend who is a nurse and I just sat down and had a talk with her.

We talked about a great number of things. She let me talk as she listened. Then she spoke. She kind of hit me where I lived.

She said, we have known each other a while, yet every time we speak, you put that chair between us. You have a wall up.

You want to let someone in, I see the smile when your phone goes off, there is someone. I had to tell her yes. She said but you are afraid to let him. You have had a big hurt. You don’t know how to take the lead. You are afraid that you will get hurt again.

I understand that change is scary for you. The least little thing can set your anxiety off so you keep yourself being this nice brick wall. Maybe it is time to bust down that wall. You are the only one that can do it. You don’t need to be afraid to let people see the soft person behind that strong persona you put off.

You have lived through the worst thing you could live through. Maybe it is time for you to let someone in, completely.

You need to stop holding yourself to the standard that your do. You give everyone else a pass, you accept everyone’s excuses. Yet, you don’t give yourself the same break.

It is time for you to tear down that wall you have been hiding behind. Maybe it it time for you to love again. It really is okay for you to touch someone you love. It sets off endorphins in the brain. That will help make your life so much better.   You don’t need to be so afraid. Everyone needs to touch and it might be as good for him as it is for you.

It gave me a great deal to think about. Yeah, I think it is time to bust through and find out where things could go if I just throw caution to the wind and live for real.

Screw what everyone else thinks. It is after all my life. It is time for me to love and allow myself to be loved, exactly for who I am.

A woman who craves human contact in the most intimate of ways. A woman who wants to be seen as a sexy beast. A woman who is confident enough in herself to wear that corset she longs to own, for him but more for herself. A woman who wants to be fully awake instead of making love to him in my dreams.

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Anxiety is a Sneaky Bastard….

If you live with anxiety, you know that it is more than worry. If you don’t, please allow me to educate you.

Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional reaction to outside stimuli. (disclaimer…not a physiologist, just a human).

The thing you have been longing for happens and you are excited beyond belief until…..It sneaks up on you.  You are okay with failure because you are used to it but now it is happening and you are on sensory overload.

For me it begins physically. Last night, I thought it was a hot flash, as I laid in bed and chewed my lip raw trying not to cry, wanting to run at 2 am, thinking of all the what ifs, you try to stifle the scream building up inside you.

You wake up and even the smell of your coffee makes you sick.  You try your best to be excited or at least normal. Then you find someone you think will understand and the word vomit begins.

Things don’t always work out as planned. Your silent pleads for understanding are not heard. You need to tell someone yet you struggle to find the words to make them understand the storm going on inside you and you become more anxious until you are in tears.

Your head is telling you to stop. You heart is begging you not to let them see. Yet you can not stop. They roll down your cheeks as you try to control the sob rising up in your throat.

The more you speak the deeper you dig the  hole until you see no way out, so you stop talking.

You suck it up and deal with it the best way you can, on your own. You use those coping skills you have learned. For me when it gets awful, I need touch. I have to have a stress ball, play dough, something that is forgiving to work with. Sometimes, I need to feel the bark of a tree, moss, something created by someone bigger than me.

People don’t understand that you really have no control over it. You really try to, but you don’t. You cope.

The best comparison I can think of is my aunt. She is totally blind. She has been for years. You can’t tell someone with anxiety to stop worrying any more than you can tell her to see. She has eyes. Her eyes are open, she is coping with her blindness but she can’t see like we do. She uses her hands to “see”. Telling people with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell them until you are blue in the face and it won’t change a thing.

Shadow Dweller…..

I feel right now like a shadow dweller. That people are aware I exist but I am not seen. As a matter of fact, one of my profile photos on social media was changed to a black and white photo because I feel like my color is fading.

As I sit alone tonight, I feel unseen and unheard. I am a shadow.

I know the why. I have to make some changes. I have to be aware that I will never be good enough, no matter what I do.

It will be fine. Shadows dissipate. They slowly disappear. They disappear when the light shines through. Someday, I will be seen and heard. I hold out this hope, although at this time, it seems rather hopeless.

I will cry in my shadow space, where no one sees. It brings comfort to shed those heart tears in the dark, nobody can see how you hurt. No one can harm you when you linger in the shadows.

Look Deeply and you will see….

No one knows everything about me. Something’s are all mine. There are thoughts I have and feelings that I feel that others don’t need to know.

Sometimes you need to keep those things to yourself.  It is not that you are being secretive, it is that you need to reveal those when the time is right. Until that time, you just enjoy that which resides inside.

If you want to figure me out, you could probably follow the trail of breadcrumbs that I leave. I hold this part of myself inside because I feel like if you want to know me fully, you will put forth the effort to look deep inside and see what is there.

The Twenty Bite Diet…

I have become somewhat complacent. I am not getting enough exercise. I am not eating right. I am not sleeping as well as I should. I have a great deal on my mind that I am keeping bottled up because at times I feel like a shadow. I am here but not here.

I am going to correct those things. I started today. I took a photo of myself in a semi-dressed stated. That is my starting point. I want to look back at it as the beginning of this part of my journey.

I am going to walk more when I get off work. I am going to come into the office when I am not able to sleep at night and use the exercise equipment provided for us.

I am going to drink more water than sodas or tea.

I am going to put myself on a twenty bite diet. Every meal, all I allow myself is 20 bites. If the meal doesn’t last twenty bites, I am done. If it is more than 20 bites, I stop at 20.

If I lose weight, that’s cool. I just want to feel better. I want to look better, for me.

I will be 50 soon, I work night shift on an alternating schedule. It is time for me to take care of me.

Becoming More and More Disenchanted…

I am becoming more disenchanted with people. I try to hold out hope but I see it slipping away more and more. My current job doesn’t help.

I try to see the best in everyone yet, it usually backfires on me.

Some of my own doubts about some of the things I am doing in my business, I am just disenchanted. I can’t think of another word.

I think I am going to take my website down. I am spending money just for the sake of spending money.

I don’t have enough of a support system to keep it up. People who have known me all my life, including my own family, don’t support me. I have supported their endeavors but it has not reciprocated.  This has happened more times than I can count. I just feel defeated right now. I am letting this “failure” effect how I see myself. I need to find the lesson in this, quickly, I know there is one but I just need to wait and see what it is.

Right now, I don’t like me very much and I feel like I am not worthy of anything right now. This feeling sucks. It is depressing. To realize that what you have invested so much time in is failing and you have promoted it in every possible way.

So right now, I think it is best to shut it down. Just don’t keep throwing good money after bad.

Once again, sometimes you just have to save yourself.

Looking Deep Inside….

Recently, I saw a man I had a great deal of respect for laying in a casket. His time here is over. Now, I am a firm believer that respect is earned, it not automatically given. Much like trust and loyalty, I hold this in high regard so if I respect, trust and am loyal to you, you have to be something special.

I have been very quite over the past week. I have been deep in thought and taking some time for introspection through this process. What am I doing with my life? If I die today, was my life worth living?

I have decided that some changes need to take place. Very few noticed that  I haven’t been talking as much. So if no one misses what you have to say, it really must not matter, so stop talking. If anyone wants to know what you are thinking, they will ask at some point, then I will talk until , just say nothing. If you implode, maybe they will realize that what you said mattered.

I am going to stop promoting a business that is not working for me right now. I will not bore people with what I am working on, I will continue working but once again in silence. I will only share it with those who care about it, not the public.  When you feel like you have little support, you do it for yourself not for others. You make what you like. You enjoy what you are doing even if no one stands and applauds. That is passion.

I am going to make the most of the days I have remaining. As I heard two days ago, we are all one step away from death. Do I want to spend the rest of my time chasing dreams that may not happen or am I going to do those things that stir my soul? I would rather stir my soul. If people like it cool, if not, that’s okay too.

I want passion, fun, life. I don’t want to spend all my time worrying about what I am doing wrong. I don’t want to try to measure up to what others think I should be, being the perfect daughter, sister, aunt, employee whatever…. I will never be the perfect anything. I promised myself a long time ago, no regrets, I don’t intend to have any. I will use the words “I love you” more. I will follow my passions. I will not allow myself to settle. I will be happy with who I am, what I look like at any given moment, what I love to do and who I want to be with. It is my life and I want to live every moment of it. I like the rush I get from trying new things. I like it when I am busy and my mind is racing a hundred miles a minute on something creative or constructive. I love that feeling. It is like jumping out of an airplane and free falling.

I want to live every moment, not just exist because, some day, someone will be standing over me and reminding people that this is coming to all of us some day.