Today was one of those days I could have used a hug….

You know how you just have days when you feel, ehhh???

You are stressed out. For example currently in my world, I have had a dude running in and out of my house trying to get my tub fixed, at work, we have new broadcasting equipment, full of glitches; people ask you about items you make then say you are too high on your prices; you feel like nothing is going right  and then you find out that people are talking about your lifestyle behind your back.

When you live in a small town, you hear things. Some of my family (cousins) have been discussing how lonely I must be. That I need something more in my life. Here is the problem. They don’t know my life. They are in the suburbs of my existence.

Apparently from reading random post on social media, they decided I need to get out more.

I get out plenty. I have someone in my life. My life (job not included at this moment) is going just peachy.

I shut down. Physically my body is telling me I am under too much stress. Mentally, I am questioning everything I am doing. Emotionally, I shut down. I hadn’t been on social media for two days. Nobody wanted to know what I was thinking.

I just wanted to ask for a hug. I couldn’t though. I couldn’t say I needed support. I couldn’t say that I hurt. I never mentioned that part in conversation today, I wanted to. I wanted him to put his arms around me and tell me it is going to be okay.  I couldn’t describe what I was feeling. I couldn’t use my words.

So I came home, went to my moms and sat on her porch. The silence was deafening. I came home and worked on editing photos. I couldn’t concentrate. I sat on my porch and watched lightening bugs Then I picked myself up, I went and I made another piece of jewelry just because I could. The only person who knows it exists is my person, if he has looked at the image by now.

Now, I lay on my bed crying. I don’t bother anyone. I pretty much keep my personal life, well, personal. Yet somehow, people think they have a right to put into my business. I will keep doing what I am doing. I will enjoy my life and if all they can do is talk about me, then maybe they should get one as well.

My Staycation is Over…

My staycation has been a heavily guarded secret. Four people knew outright that I was taking a week off besides my co-workers.

I sit here on a Sunday evening, on my front porch, watching the sun start to set. This time tomorrow night I will be back at work.

It is quite. Not a great deal of traffic comes by here on Sunday evening. Not like other days. I am listening to a Van Morrison song I heard last night. I imagine what it would be like to be in his arms, swaying to this song. It is “When the Leaves Come Falling Down”, you should give it a listen. I have just left him yet, I want to be with him again. I miss him as soon as we part ways. I knew he was tired and I needed to get home to get ready for the return to working life. I wanted more time but I knew what I should do.

My staycation was made amazing by a single trip. The other days had their merits, but that little variation from the main road was excellent. It was one of those days when we were just going to ride to the next town and then something changed. They were working on the road, paving crews were scattered about in different area of the road.

We decided to come back a different way. We drove some back roads. We passed a river that we both love. We pulled off and we were looking at the waterway. I looked up and he had taken off his shoes and was walking in the water. It looked like fun. I wanted to do it as well. So out of my sneakers and socks I came. I am tender footed so it was interesting getting from where I took my shoes off and the water. My mom has always had us scared of drowning because she is afraid of water. It was barely up to our ankles but I walked around in the same river I was baptized in many years before and that was the last time, I was in that water.

It was so relaxing and just being there with him. That was the it for me. Being there with him. He had told me earlier that he thought I would go somewhere while I was off. One place in particular was mentioned. I told him I wanted to go there with him. He said I should have gone even if he was busy. I said I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!!!

So he gave me  a day of both relaxation and adventure on series of back roads.

We went in the river and after I got my shoes back on I sat there and basked in what I was feeling in that moment. The river and the sound it made as it rolled along. The nearness of his presence. It was more than I could say to him.

After I sat there for awhile, he gently said, there are other adventures awaiting if you are ready to go. It was almost as if he thought he would disturb my mood if he suggested it, I was happy to go see what else he had in store for us, so I got up and we started driving again.

We circled around a dusty gravel road and we saw this amazing view. I did some video with my phone because it was so beautiful; I was awestruck to say the least.

Once again, I was completely aware that he was right there with me. He was saying nothing. He was just letting me enjoy the view. He was letting me take everything in. He would speak if I said something but he was letting me take everything in, the big view and the details.

Our last stop was a rock mound that was connected to his childhood. It was a magnificent sight to behold. He told me stories of his childhood and his memories and I took each and every word he said in.

There was a moment when we were standing there and I said you know someone had to use this place as a dwelling place long before we got here. You could hear the water running up above our heads. It was a great experience for me to just be there, being there with him made it so much more special. That was the it for me.

He doesn’t realize it but that day was one that will live in my heart forever. We just bought lunch and gas. That is all the money that was spent but what I was given that day was priceless. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.

It is not where you go or what you do, it is that you are there with the person you love. That is the good stuff.

I will go back from my stacycation refreshed, even though it stated out pretty stressful, it was on so relaxing to just go on a huge adventure a little ways from home base.

Whatever State You Are in , Be Content…..

Usually, when I work on Saturday night, I don’t go to church on Sunday. This Sunday was different.  I started my vacation that night. There was only one thing I wanted to do on my vacation. I wanted to just go on a day trip to one place. I hinted to it but it hasn’t happened. It isn’t but a 3 hour drive.

As I sat there, in church, I listened as the preacher  read my moms favorite Bible verse. He talked about God providing for our needs but we as human beings don’t know sometimes the difference between needs and wants.

We feel like it is a need but is it?

My anxiety level was high. I had a program the next day and it had been a year and a half since I had worked with kids. Did I still have it? Was I going to fall on my face? I was so anxious, I couldn’t sleep. At all!!

I went to church and went out to lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down. Couldn’t sleep. Posted a sale on my jewelry. Dealt with that. Went over my talk with the kids in my mind. Went through the stuff I was taking on last time.

I knew I was as ready as I could be, yet, my anxiety was still high. Anxiety feeds off anxiety. You get lost in your own thoughts and it lead to sheer misery at times. This was where I was at. I just wanted someone to take me and hold me. Not just anybody. Him. He was busy, he was working on a project and he was kind of quite. I really wanted to talk to him but he needed to do what he needed to do, I get that. I didn’t want to bother him, I feel like I bother him too much as is.

I began to cry my eyes out. I couldn’t stop it from coming. I was trying, believe me. I finally started praying. And somewhere deep inside me I heard the words, be content.

This was about 4 hours before I was supposed to get up and get ready for the program.

All went well. The kids were happy, the people who hired me were happy. I was happy.

Within 30 minutes, I received a phone call that I needed to meet with some people about some of my jewelry that had been jurored. Once again, the anxiety level went back up. Once again inside me I hear the words, be content.

That night I slept like a baby. I asked him if he wanted to come with me but he never responded until I was there. I would have liked the company as he is more used to this than I am but it wasn’t meant to be.

I had the meeting. It went better than I figured. I was happy about that. I then came home to  an empty house. I played in the dirt resetting some plants. I went and got dinner and ate alone. I was kind of sad there was no one to share it with in person. I sat and I ate in silence. The words came back to me. Be content.

I am going to hold on to those words of life with everything I have inside me. If I am alone or with someone, be content.

If things are going well or life is beating me up, be content. For you see I am never truly alone. There are things I want but do I need them. Lonesome is a state of mind. I just work until my body tells me to go to bed. Then I lay there and think of the good things in my life and I am content.

When You Don’t Feel Your Best…

I just have felt 100% today, I woke up early and just sort of laid around. I am cutting some of the sugar from my diet in an effort to lose some weight. I did few physically easy things but mostly I just laid around. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I just rested, not sleeping just laying.

Last night, I had let a couple of family issues get the better of me and it got my dander up. Then lonely kicked in. That sucked. Sometimes you just need somebody to be there.

I hadn’t been at work long tonight before I got dizzy. I sat there and just kind of let the room spin around me. I had some dinner coming but it wasn’t getting here soon enough.

I had something with me just in case I need it. My arm went numb and now my eye feels funny. I have done the looking mirror, there is no visible drooping. I stuck my tongue out it is straight.

I do notice I have some trouble focusing on the words that pop up on my screen and reading them back. I am in a good place to be checked, if need be.

For now, I will just keep a watch. I think it is okay. Time will tell.

A Woman and Her Shoes…

A man may wear many hats but a woman wears many shoes.

If you are woman who just has a couple pairs of shoes in her wardrobe, you are rare.

I have an unusual affinity for cowboy boots. In them I feel more confident. Like I can take on the world. Unlike most women who wear cowboy boots, from time to time I wear fishnet stockings. Like my frilly underthings, fishnets make me feel feminine. Nobody needs to know they are there. I know, that’s what matters.

I have my sports shoes, flats, wedges and my strappy sandals. I have something for every occassion. Boots however are an obsession. I just love my boots. The ones shown above and my red boots are my favorites.

I also have an obsession with stilettos. However, being larger than I would like to be, I have been slightly more than apprehensive to own a pair. I even made a board on Pintrest for stilettos. I really want them but I am a big girl.

I have bought into the notion that if you are overweight, you can not be sexy. You are not allowed to wear certain things, you can’t dress in a sexy manner.

My upbringing is also part of this perception. Dressing in clothing that is too risque is shameful. Now, I don’t wear clothes that look like I was melted and poured into them nor do I wear hysterectomy pants. I do like my clothing to hug my curves in a seductive way. Sometimes, I struggle with it. I don’t want to look desperate, like I am searching for my youth again, I just want to look pleasing first for me and secondly for him.

I want to look nice for him but I exist in uniforms. When I am not working, I want to look good. I want to wear makeup, I want to have my hair done, I want my lips and nails dark red.

I like to wear my frilly things and feel girly because at work, our clothing is not girly at all.

If he notices and likes what he sees all the better.

Today, I was taking my mom shopping. I was not going to buy anything. I have just cleaned out my closet and gotten two bags of clothes out of my closet. I don’t need anything. Then I saw them….the shoes.

  A pair of sparkly stilettos. Dare I even try them on? What if I look like an elephant on stilts? What if I fall over while trying to walk through the department store? What if people laugh at me, I am a big girl, how dare I want to wear such a pair of shoes?

I took them from the shoe department to the plus size section of the store. I was going to check the price on the scanner. I will spend  plenty of money on art supplies but I never pay full price for anything but cowboy boots.

Well, they were in my budget. The department was free of on lookers. So I slid one of the shoes out of the box. I freed my right foot from my worn flip flop. Should I dare? I slid my foot into it. So far, so good. I repeated the process with my other foot.

I was actually wearing a pair of stilettos. There was a mirror on the side of the column holding the price checker. I looked at my feet in the mirror. They looked good. Sparkly and open toed. My burgundy nail polish peeking through the toes.

Dare I take a step? With my luck the first step I take, I will break the heel, fall and chip a tooth or bloody my nose.

Okay, deep breath, one step, then another. Before I knew it I was walking up the aisle like a model on the runway.

Oh MY GAWD, I can walk in them, they look good, they are the right price and honestly, I felt as SEXY as hell. I did. My first thought was “yes Cinderella, you will go to the ball”. I had to laugh at myself.

I posted a pic on social media simply because I was so happy. I had wanted these for so long.

When I got home, I let my person know and told him, kind of, how they made me feel. I kind of hinted at it. I didn’t want to admit that they made me feel sexy. I don’t know why.

So now, I will wear them with pride and a little more pep in my step, just not sure where they will take me, I am sure it will be a fun adventure.

Six Years…

It has been 6 years. 2,190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minutes, 189,216,000 seconds. That is how long it has been since my world changed.

I remember walking into my house after he had to leave me. The transition had happened. He was out of pain. I was in pain.

My mom was with me. My best friend was the first one to show up. I sat on the sofa holding my little dog. It was more his dog than mine. They were there all day together while I worked until he went in the nursing home then most of my time was I there.

I sat there as people wandered through my house. I felt nothing. I watched as they carried food into my house and they sat and talked and honestly, I didn’t hear a sound.

As night fell, I began to pray. I was praying to make it through that first night, just one night was all I prayed for. I laid in the bed that we had slept in together and I cried. I laid there for some time. I remember when I woke up and saw the sun, I said I made it through the first time. I was going to be okay.

I couldn’t go back in my house and I walked off 135 pounds just walking to kill time so I didn’t have to go home to an empty house. Just something to do became therapy, which became a habit, which made me feel better mentally, physically and spiritually.

He had made me promise him that I would be alright and on the days and months that followed when I wanted to give up, I reminded myself of that promise.

When it got unbearable, I decided to end my own life. I knew how I was going to do it, I had a plan. Nobody would have thought anything except that I had grieved myself to death.

On the same day I was going to do it, I was sitting in my chair and I got  a response from a post on facebook that said “I feel ya but that first part isn’t right.” I asked the person to explain themselves. The response “I personally think you are hot and gorgeous”. I remember screaming all over the house. A friend of mine thought that I was hot and gorgeous. Me. Nooooo….. but at that point, I had a reason to want to live again. This man was gorgeous. He was sexy as hell and he thought I was hot and gorgeous?!?!?

I had been flattered by men since my husband had died but this one was different. I had sparked to him the first time I had met him. There was something more to him. Something of quality. Something worth me getting to know him better. That was five years ago. We have been through a great deal together. I have fallen in love for the second time after I thought I wanted to die. He became my person. That person I want to share everything (and I do mean everything) with.

If anyone had ever told me that I would fall in love again, I would have slapped them. If they had told me how deeply I would fall in love the second time, I would have laughed. Yet, here I am.

For the second time in my life, I am in love with a good, honorable man. A man who cares for me. A man who treats me with love and respect. A man who treats me an equal, he doesn’t talk down to me because I am a woman.

Does he still think I am hot and gorgeous? I can’t answer that . Only he knows the answer to that. I hope he does. In my mind I wonder. I am not 20 and skinny. I am not a model. He sees his share of those. I am not the kind of woman men trip over themselves to get to know although, sometimes people tell me I get a second look from time to time. It would be nice to hear it from him from time to time,  that he still thought that.

Life has changed for me a great deal in 6 years, 2190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minutes, 189,216,000 seconds. At times it seems like a lifetime and at times it seems like it just happened.

I had one love and we honored those vows to the very end.  I have just found a new way of living and a new way of loving. the heart can mend and it can love again if given enough time and patience.

 

In Just One Day….

In just one day, I have felt fear, love, joy. I have seen glee, amusement, trepidation. I have heard of frustration, greed and success. I have spoken humor and sang of love, hoping that lyrics like “the day you strolled in, my heart was stolen” were heard and the smile on my face was seen because I was singing about and to him.

I have experienced life. I have lived, not survived, lived. It all happened on a typical ordinary day. Life happened. It may be far from perfect but it is my life. I may be far from perfect, I gave up striving for perfection a very long time ago.

So as I lay here, in my bed, smelling of the lotion I have put on my body, listening to the movie that I am not watching on the TV, with my windows open so that I can get fresh air and  I smile. I lived today. If tomorrow doesn’t come, I can say I lived. Even if just for a day.