I have had some problems with my stomach for a week now. We still don’t know what it is. If it is a bug or medication. We are working on figuring it out.

Now, I am not a weakling when it comes to being sick but this second round of whatever this is kicked my tail literally.

Yesterday, I finally broke down and went to the doctor. I explained to her what was going on.

Her final words to me were, you have to eat. You need nutrition. You are severely dehydrated. We have three options. We can give you fluid here. We can admit you to the hospital or you can drink everything you can hold at home.

I chose to drink at home. So I loaded myself up with Gatorade, water, hot tea anything I could think of.

I have never had anything like this. I really wasn’t able to care for myself. I didn’t want anyone near me, in case it was a virus. I could only react to what my body was doing.

It is hard living alone when you are so very sick. It is easy to fall into the mire and get depressed. About two am yesterday morning, I was praying asking God if I was dying.

I was so sick. Adding to the problem, I caught a cold off a coworker. I couldn’t get warm, I didn’t want to call an ambulance although I strongly thought about it.

I just sat and prayed, waiting for the doctors office to open and believe me, I do not want to go to the doctor. Ever!!!

I had to go for blood work to see if my pancreas had been affected by the new medicines I have been put on. I have been very open about my battle with diabetes. One of the side effects is problems with the very organ that is making you sick in the first place.

Thankfully, that turned out well.

I didn’t want to complain because I have just found out one of my best friends was that same day diagnosed with breast cancer. She was very open about it, which is strange for her as she is very private.

Instead of complaining, I kind of made Where’s Waldo jokes and posted a pic of me in a mask that they made me wear.  Just trying to be upbeat about the whole thing.

Things are better today but I know how a plant feels when it is withered.

Although I have somewhat rehydrated myself, the effects are still there. Now, to get over this hurdle.


Up in Smoke…

Tonight I saw a friend in pain. In our profession, you don’t let your guard down in front of anyone.

It was a busy night and luckily, a coworker was close by and came in to help.

We were all running in different directions and I knew my friend had to be experiencing some emotion as to what was going on.

His grandparents former home was burning down. His family no longer owned the property but he had spent many days and nights in that home.

His grandparents have been gone for many years but the residence was still known as their place, for those of us who knew them.

When everything settled down, he and two more guys came into my office; by now the room that was so earlier crowded with people was now empty except for me.

He came in and for a few moments he allowed us to see that there was pain. He talked about his grandparents even telling some amusing tales on himself.

As he spoke, you could see the emotion on his face. He spoke of his grandfather and how his music room was up stairs.

When he talked about the kitchen, I could see it clearly. I have been in the house many times. I could almost see his grandma sitting in her chair in the kitchen, her cup of coffee beside her and a cigarette in her mouth. You see, this is where she held court, where she welcomed visitors into her home.

As he continued, he said well, both my grandparents houses have burned down. My heart broke for him.

The place where so many memories were made is now gone, not once but twice for him.

I live in my grandmother’s house and I have so many memories of her and I, just having real conversations in this house. My cousin lives in my other grandparent’s house.

I can go back anytime and look at the wall where I wrote my ABCs in crayon although they are long gone. I can visit the place where I spent my years before entering kindergarten.

My friend no longer has a place to visit. That went up in smoke. He does however have some great memories of grandparents who loved him so very much.

I hope in my heart of hearts that his healing began in those wee hours of morning, just four friends sitting around, sharing his memories and his pain.

Writing Prompt, If I Were A Television Character, who would I be?…


If I could compare myself to any TV character at this point in my life I would say it would be Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds.

Played by actress Kirsten Vangsness, Penelope is in a role much like my own, only amp my job up by 1,000 %. She plays the support role for a team that goes out into the field into harms way. She is their eyes and ears. I play that same part in a different way.

Penelope had struggled with her weight all her life. I understand that struggle. Penelope has learned to love her curves outwardly but still desires to feel comfortable  in her own skin. I know that desire all too well.

Penelope wears really vibrant glasses and has fun pens and her outfits are stellar. I love my red glasses and my fun pens and I would drool everytime I open my closet if I had her wardrobe.

Penelope has her scars from being bullied by girls because she was an early bloomer and being forgotten by the boys when the other girls bloomed and she continued to grow. I totally get that.

Then there is Derek Morgan, who she is secretly Gaga over. Although she regularly makes comments to him and about his physical prowess. I have my own version of Derek in my life. He is not a coworker. He is my person and I am getting more comfortable making my own comments.

So, if I was a TV 📺 character, I would be Penelope Garcia.

On Nights Like This…..


It is four in the morning. Normally I would be at work but I have been sick the last two days. Working on a confined space everyone would rather I keep my bug to myself.

So I sit alone. I have played all my games. Finished an actual hold in your hands and turn the pages book and read two fan fictions on my phone.

The house is silent except the sound of my heat source running. I smell the chamomile tea sitting next to me.

The only light is the floor lamp next to my chair. I am in my bathrobe and little else.

I have basically slept the past two days hoping that sweet relief would come and hoping I didn’t infect anyone else.

My mind has become so trained to my schedule that it knows I should be at work. So sleep evades me for now.

I do not do well with sickness. I can help others through theirs but I get on my own nerves when I am cooped up in the house.

This particilar sickness has shown me a great deal. It has shown me who truly cares about my well being and it has shown me who does not.

I forbade my parents to come into the house. So my mom has been on the phone constantly. My dad brought some jello and saltine crackers by in hopes I could keep that down.

My supervisor has been great through all this taking an extra shift I was supposed to work and working out an exchange so that my night shift counterpart and I will switch a day. She asked me if there was anything she could bring me.

My boss made the same offer.

One of my coworkers dropped off two bottles of Gatorade on my porch and texting me to let me know they were there would not accept any money for them.

The lead officer on my shift called me making sure there was nothing I needed, telling me to call him if I thought of anything.

My person reminded me that rest was the best thing for me at this time, which it was.

My best friend has checked up on my day and night in some form or fashion.

Even my crepeer somehow knew I was sick and asked me how I was feeling. I am assuming someone we both know had told him. Because I sure didn’t. That part freaked me out more than a little.

For the lack of “love”  I feel at times, there are moments like this where I am overwhelmed by the amount of caring shown to me.

There are some I haven’t heard from mostly family but that’s not on me. When they need me I’ll remember to forget. Sometimes holding on hurts worse than letting go.

So for now I sit here in my solitude, drinking my tea, allowing it to comfort me. I will read one more Criminal Minds fan fiction and wait for sunrise so I can get back on my schedule.

Writing Prompt: When you were taught a lesson by a child….

I had a job where I worked around children for 13 years. Never having any offspring of my own, this filled a void in my life; the biggest lesson I was taught by a child was from my littlest little at the time.

At a point when my life changed completely, she was only six months old. As a matter of fact, the  day she was born we were having a cancer treatment and my late husband wanted to make sure that he would not harm her if he went to see her.

He passed away before she was old enough to know him. She doesn’t fully understand that I was once married.

I would follow her as she grew and began crawling, then walking, then running.

I was taking life the same way she was. Learning my way around at first crawling if I needed to. As she was learning to stand on wobbly legs, I was doing so emotionally. She quickly became her own little, quirky personality.

I think I admire that part about her as much as anything. When she has an entire conversation with no one on a cell phone with no service or plays with a computer keyboard saying she can run the world from right there, it gives me an insight into imagination.

She has taught me a great deal and when I am around, I am the chosen playmate. This is because when she lets her imagination run wild, I go right along with her.

Last year for Christmas, when she was 6, I gave her the little point and shoot camera  I bought the day she was born, just to take photos of her. For about a month, her entire family fussed at me because she was blinding them taking pictures. She took it with her to the grocery store one day and actually got some amazing photos.

When she shoots with my big camera, she will take one shot and say It’s good. I’ll say well let me check it. She will say why? It’s good and it always is. Now that is confidence.  She is fearless.

She will from time to time pull out the note that I put in with her camera and show me that she still has it.

She loves to collect rocks. She keeps her collection outside beside the porch but I always try to get her a rock if I go someplace new.

You see although not in chronological years, in many ways we are about the same age and she  taught me how to start over.

A Letter to My Teenage Self….

Dear Younger Me,

I know how you see yourself today.  You don’t see any pride or value in yourself. You see yourself as fat and ugly. You let the words of others make you cry. You feel like you will never be loved for who you are.

You do just enough in school because you don’t want to stand out or be noticed. You are much smarter than you let on. You just don’t like to be compared to your pretty, smart, athletic sister but you don’t have a name, you are just her little sister.

You don’t feel pretty, you are smart but about different subjects than she. You like math and history. You enjoy singing and poetry, yet you never let anyone see that side of you.

You are not athletic, although you tried. You are better at band and flagcorp. You’ve found your teen tribe with the band geeks. Some of them will be your friends all your life.

You will find love, more than once,  there will be a day a day when you can tell the boys that made you cry how bad it made you feel. Some of them will tell you that they messed up. Be kinder to them than they were to you.

You will not always be as big as you are now. Life will hand you struggles and you will hand them right back coming out better for it.

You will encounter pain and grief that at the time will seem unbearable. You will struggle with this and continue to move forward, just remember that forward is forward no matter how slow you go.

You will find out you are a great deal more creative than you think. You will surprise yourself with some things you will learn and become passionate about.

If I can leave you with a shining spotlight on what you have to look forward to it will be this…..

You will be loved and desired. Enjoy the intimate moments physically, mentally and emotionally. Be present for all those moments.

There will be a computer age that is laying right at the front door, embrace it, learn everything you can, you will use those things the rest of your life. They are not all bad though you will find out they can be used for good or evil.

You will not be the mousy girl with the loud laugh all your life , okay you will still have a loud laugh but although it will take it a bit of time you will find that backbone and you will find out that making yourself miserable while keeping everyone happy is no way to live.

Oh yeah, one more thing…. quit crossing your arms. You have big boobs, get over hiding them, not everyone is put off by that, some people actually enjoy those things. Just sayin’.

Now go live a life you will be proud of. Sprinkle glitter and sunshine everywhere you go, the my girl will be your legacy.

With more love than you will ever know,

The 49 year old you

The Experience of Overcoming Fear….

I found some writing prompts on Pinterest and thought I would take a break from lamenting over health, family and business . The struggle of being a widow in a world she doesn’t understand anymore and all the other things I add to the blog as they cross my mind.

This exercise will allow me to reach deeper than the current moment and somewhat stretch my creative muscle.

So the first prompt the experience of overcoming fear….

When I first read this, I thought of a single incident when I faced a specific fear. Rereading the same prompt, I allowed myself to remember several.

Fear has drive my existence my entire life.  Several specific things come to mind.

I have a overwhelming fear of snakes. When I was a youth services librarian, we would have a snake program every other summer. Of course my first summer was the snake program. So the day of the program came and the performer hands me two small snakes. They are so small that both of them fit in the palm of one hand. As I’m walking amongst this group of children, I remind myself that I can’t let them see that I’m afraid. So as I’m walking along in the back of my mind I’m singing the words to Jesus loves me suddenly I realize that I’m Singing it out loud. Here is a grown woman carrying two small snakes, humming Jesus loves me and these kids are clamoring to touch the snakes.  In the following years it was much easier for me to assist with this program. Am I still afraid of snakes yes only now I am more educated.

The second time I faced my fear was of course when my husband passed away. I had lived with my parents for 24 years, I had lived with him for 18 1/2 years and at the age of 43,for the first time in my life,  I lived alone. Of course I was scared not of residing by myself. But I’m facing life on my own. The only thing I could see was dark. The bleakness encompassed me. This was probably the lowest point in my life.  I learned a lot during that period of my life. I learned that I was much stronger than I ever thought I could be; yet much weaker than I ever knew.

I was actually at the point where I consider taking my own life but thankfully someone reach through the darkness and allowed me to realize that someone cared for me.

And this brings me to the third  on this post. I remember when I realized that I had fallen in love for the second time in my life. It scared the crap out of me. I knew I had to tell him and I wasn’t sure how he would respond. Fear of rejection is a vicious animal. For two days I didn’t eat or sleep. I was miserable. I wanted so much to tell him how I felt and in my heart of hearts I wanted to him to respond in kind. So the next time  I saw him,  I just blurted, out with ugly crying how I felt about him. I figured once I had told him that he would never speak to me again. Remember I was the fat girl in school that no one wanted to date. We expect what we have experienced in the past. I am happy to say that five years later  he is still talking to me and he has a major influence in my life.

The last point I wish to speak on is when I decided to change jobs at the age of 48. I  had struggled to create something that should’ve been it’s own entity but others wanted to change it and make it fit into their limited  vision. Our vision for this project was much broader than what they saw.  I began to question my own sanity at beating my head over a wall just to see if it would still hurt. Finally giving up I reached out and found a new career. This change completely turned my life topsy-turvy but in the process began to gain I realization  of who I am.

So whatever  you are facing at this moment know that you were strong enough to handle it!!