Days Like This…

I hate days like today. Woke up with a major anxiety attack. Cried my eyes out, got in the car started driving, heard one song,  cried again. THIS SUCKS!!!

Too much isolation. Too many questions. Too much pain. Too much thinking. Not enough moving. Not enough doing.

I need supplies for the jewelry business but with this being the long week at my “real job”, I haven’t had time to get what I need so at work I have been vegging out between calls. Not doing anything to keep my brain busy so I have had way too much time to think. Not good when I am in this mental place.

I am lonely. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes as I typed those three words.

I. Am. Lonely. I need human connection.

The feeling of isolation during the long week is overwhelming at best. I think that is why there is such a washout in my business. You work 12 hour shifts for 5 out of 7 day, your contact with the real world is limited. When you work night shift it is even worse because you sleep some days and some nights.

Right now, the only thing I want right now is to be held by one person. I want them to put there arms around me for a while and let me cry into their chest.

Tonight I am two hours into the shift and the level of traffic I have had is overwhelming yet, I have to keep my own feelings buried. Can’t let them see me sweat.

This is temporary. It will pass. I just need to hold on and let it go.

 

Comfort…

I need to be in a place of comfort. If that be a space, a relationship, clothing and shoes, hobbies, when I sleep,  all things.

Now having said that, I do a lot of activities in the confines of my home. I dress for comfort. When I am working in my work room, honestly it is very scant. I am there in usually a tee shirt, underwear and my apron.

When I am writing, it kind of depends on what I am writing. I am trying to be tactful here so I am not going to go into much detail. Let’s just say I dress for the part.

It is part of my creative process. I need to feel what it would feel like to actually feel the part that I am writing about. It is something that makes me feel ummmm, desirable which is good when I am writing about my desires.

When I am making jewelry, I don’t worry about how I look, I wear the afore mention workroom clothing. When I am trying to promote my product, I want to look like a business woman. When I am photographing an event, I dress differently than when I am doing nature photography. When I am hiking different clothing and shoes. When I go to work the uniform. To church, dresses or skirts.

I just want to feel comfortable in what I wear, how may hair looks; currently, it has blue highlights. I have mermaid hair.

I don’t wear any of this for anyone else. I change my hair, put on makeup, dress as I wish because it makes me feel good. When I feel good, apparently it is obvious. People notice and I’m not looking to get noticed. I was actually told the other day by someone that they were watching me. Not sure what they meant by it, didn’t ask. I don’t really care anymore who is looking or watching. I am gonna do me. Blue hair and all.

Watching Too Much Educational TV…

When I work, I watch educational tv. PBS, History Channel, National Geographic. While sitting in my bird cage alone, I tend to let my mind wander. Tonight I am watching a thing on the History Channel about Mars.

Now being of the Christian faith, I listen to some of what they are saying and kind of shake my head, they are reaching pretty far to make the connections that they are.

There is water on Mars. They talk about us tera-forming Mars. Making it more Earth like so that food can grow, although it will take a hundred years to do so. That’s cool enough,  I guess, but not being a science girl until recently, I got to thinking. If there is any life at all on Mars, doesn’t that make us the Extra Terrestrials?

They say there was a nuclear explosion and some of the people from Mars might have come to the Earth? Does that mean that some of those walking among us are martians? That could explain a great deal.

The time on Mars is interesting. One day is 24 hours and 39 minutes; however a Mars year is equal to 2 Earth years.

Imaging specialists see statue heads and oddly enough stained glass remnants on Mars. They say that there are pyramids, Buddha statues, a sphinx, and a cross. Objects that have been recreated here on Earth.

They think these are markers to lead us back to “where we came from” because they had to escape. Now we are going back.

Looking at things, we are destroying the Earth at a rapid rate. Maybe someday there will be “shuttle buses” to Mars. Because we are polluting the Earth, cutting down trees at break neck speed, our water sources are being depleted by waste. We may need to go to Mars, not in my life time but generations to come may need to so that it will survive.

I’m not sure how much of what they say is true, I do know it gives me food for thought and allows my mind to wander and wonder.

The Month of June…

For the past six years, the month of June has not been my favorite. I basically survive from my birthday until the Fourth of July.

This June has been just as bad. I found out this morning that a good friend of mine has breast cancer.

It is only in one and has not spread so that is a blessing. She is going to have a mastectomy.

That is a blessing in the fact that it is more treatable. She is not as upset as those of us close to her. I remember well when the cancer diagnosis came our way, it was harder for me to grasp it than it was him.

The past few days I have been updating my benefits at work. You have to think about your own mortality, about who gets what when you are gone. Not that it will matter to you, you will be gone.

To top that off, I am driving around with trunk full of flowers because it is decoration where my husband is buried.

I will have to go tomorrow and place the only gift I can give him now on the place that marks where his Earthly remains reside. I started putting those together last night after being stared down in a restaurant and finding out this morning why.

 

So today I went and got my hair done, only because you had made it earlier in the week. Otherwise, I have sat only lost in my own thoughts.

It is the best I could do. My energy is at a low. I don’t have enough to spare right now.

I Did That Thing I Never Do….

I never let my littles see me cry. I did today, I didn’t intend for them to see it, I thought I was hiding it but they know me too well.

I have somethings going on and I had to work on my day off.  So what I needed to get done did not get done.

I found a knot kind of behind my ear sort of on the base of my skull last night and honestly I am kind of stressed about that. I haven’t mentioned it to anyone and honestly don’t intend to. I can’t have it checked for a month if it doesn’t go away so I wait and I pray.

I just can’t let my littles see me upset no matter what. I have to be okay for them. They see me as someone strong.

More Days Like This….

Today was one of those days when my heart was just entirely happy.

We walked along in the woods just the two of us, we explored rocks and creeks, it was just one of those days I hope to always remember.

We were not in a hurry, we strolled along at a leisurely pace, until I saw the observation deck. The closer I got to the deck, the faster I walked. He did the same when we got to the creek. We walked through a meadow lush and green with yellow flowers growing along the path, it was a magical moment.

I never told him exactly what I was thinking as we walk through that Meadow, what I was thinking was this was One of the most beautiful moments of my life. As I gaze the up on the scene before me I was breathless and I was there with him, in that moment there was nobody on the planet but He and I.

The worries of life were  far away and all I could think of was that I wanted more days like this. Simple, fun and adventurous!!!

Humbled….

When I came into work, I was kind of down. That is okay it happens. It was one of those really busy nights. That too is okay. Made the night go by faster.

Always when I am down, something happens to allow me to see the greater good in life. Tonight was no exception.

There was a man under a bridge at an odd time of night. When someone stopped and spoke to him he said he had left a certain city  and was going to a certain city. I don’t want to pinpoint so I won’t name the cities.

He said that his girlfriend was sick. He was trying to get to her. The only mode of transport he had was a bicycle and he had spent all his money to buy an inner tube for his bicycle.

His total trip is going to be 161 miles. He has ridden 75 of those miles, partway was mountainous terrain. He was give a ride to our office. He was given food and slept in our lobby.

I thought about what I had seen this night.

A man who loves a woman so much he will ride 161 miles to be with her when she needs him. Real love does still exist.

Another man who went out of his way to make sure the first man was not cold and hungry. Charity does still exist.

I sat here and I prayed for this man as he continues his journey. The woman he is trying to get to as she lays sick, I don’t know who she is but I prayed for her as well. Faith does still exist.

When you think about, the little things we worry about are just that, little things. It’s those big things that this man is facing that are the big things and after speaking with him, he is determined to reach this woman he loves.

That is a big thing, in and of itself.