Looking Deep Inside….

Recently, I saw a man I had a great deal of respect for laying in a casket. His time here is over. Now, I am a firm believer that respect is earned, it not automatically given. Much like trust and loyalty, I hold this in high regard so if I respect, trust and am loyal to you, you have to be something special.

I have been very quite over the past week. I have been deep in thought and taking some time for introspection through this process. What am I doing with my life? If I die today, was my life worth living?

I have decided that some changes need to take place. Very few noticed that  I haven’t been talking as much. So if no one misses what you have to say, it really must not matter, so stop talking. If anyone wants to know what you are thinking, they will ask at some point, then I will talk until , just say nothing. If you implode, maybe they will realize that what you said mattered.

I am going to stop promoting a business that is not working for me right now. I will not bore people with what I am working on, I will continue working but once again in silence. I will only share it with those who care about it, not the public.  When you feel like you have little support, you do it for yourself not for others. You make what you like. You enjoy what you are doing even if no one stands and applauds. That is passion.

I am going to make the most of the days I have remaining. As I heard two days ago, we are all one step away from death. Do I want to spend the rest of my time chasing dreams that may not happen or am I going to do those things that stir my soul? I would rather stir my soul. If people like it cool, if not, that’s okay too.

I want passion, fun, life. I don’t want to spend all my time worrying about what I am doing wrong. I don’t want to try to measure up to what others think I should be, being the perfect daughter, sister, aunt, employee whatever…. I will never be the perfect anything. I promised myself a long time ago, no regrets, I don’t intend to have any. I will use the words “I love you” more. I will follow my passions. I will not allow myself to settle. I will be happy with who I am, what I look like at any given moment, what I love to do and who I want to be with. It is my life and I want to live every moment of it. I like the rush I get from trying new things. I like it when I am busy and my mind is racing a hundred miles a minute on something creative or constructive. I love that feeling. It is like jumping out of an airplane and free falling.

I want to live every moment, not just exist because, some day, someone will be standing over me and reminding people that this is coming to all of us some day.

And Then Came Peace…

In my last post, I wrote about my pastor. What we were afraid was going to happen, happened. His transition has come. Sunday night just before midnight, he left his Earthly home.

My folks called and told me. They called the other members of the church and told them.

Sleep did not come that night. Plenty of tears but not a moments sleep. The next day was my great nieces birthday and we had planned a girls day to take her to breakfast. My mom questioned if we should continue on, we decided that we should.

We went and had breakfast. I didn’t eat a lot. I had no appetite. I went back to my mom’s to take a nap. It never came. I rode to town to speak with my supervisor in case I needed to take off work. My person wanted to go have lunch. Once again, not hungry for food just his company. I told him what I was thinking. The loss, we as a collective group, was feeling. How it was effecting my parents. I just needed to be near him. I needed to know he was there.  I was tired. I hadn’t slept much on Sunday and none on Sunday night. I wasn’t much company but we were together. It helped to talk to him.

I worked last night. I had plenty of time to think. I firmly believe that we as humans are eternal beings in a temporary flesh dwelling. We are not meant to stay here forever. We are here for a limited time. Yet, I still struggle when someone I loves leaves their flesh house.

I use the term flesh house because a house is a dwelling. Not to sound cliche’ but home is where the heart dwells.

I wrestle with what I know and what I feel. What I know is that they are relieved of pain and worry. What I feel is selfishness, plain and simple. That is what grief is. We have lost that familiar. We have lost that thing we never thought we would lose yet here we are and we helpless and out of control; because WE ARE. We don’t control anything.

Today, I got ready for work and I hadn’t  been  around people. Something kept telling me that I needed to go to my church which is just outside town. I drove up there and I was listening to the song “something in the water. “

As I stood there, I took a picture of the three crosses in the church yard. There was a  cloud looming behind them. As I stood there, a light mist of rain began. It was almost as if there was something in the water. Peace, peace came to me right there on the side of a hill.

When The Heavens Cry With You….

My pastor is “dying”. I prefer the term transitioning to his permanent home.   He was sent home this morning, from the hospital with Hospice care. He was transported to one of the big hospitals on Thursday. This morning his wife and children heard the words I have heard before. “We’ve done all we can do”.

That very moment is when you start functioning in survival mode. You have arrangements to make. You have to make sure someone is there to care for them. Luckily, this is a family of a wife, 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren who are old enough to help out.

When he heard the news, he told them that he wanted to go home. So they went home. Last report, the nurse was with him where he resides getting him settled in.

We live in a small mountain community and we are a very small but loving congregation. We have been in constant contact for the past three weeks since he got severely ill.

He has been at our church for 23 years. He has driven 50 miles, three times a week to preach to us. He made numerous trips to the same hospital and others when things were going wrong in my world. He has been in my home when we were facing death to let my husband know that he was loved and cared for even when his own family would not come around.

When my husband died, he was right here in my home providing love and comfort.

After making sure my parents were okay after getting the news, I went for a long drive. I was alone and I could cry as hard as I wanted. It was raining buckets almost as if the heavens themselves could feel my pain.

I cry for his wife and his children knowing what they will be facing. I cried for our church, we have a heartache that unless you have felt it, you don’t understand. My tears are not for where he is going. He is heading to Heaven, where his heart and lungs will not be an issue. I cry out of selfishness. I will miss him.

He has been our spiritual leader, our burden bearer, our under shepherd taking care of  the flock. You have a tremendous amount of respect and love for him.

We are independent. We don’t have someone to come in and fill that spot, not that anyone could take his place.

So for now, we as a collective group try to carry on. We will have a fill in preacher tomorrow. We do what we have to do to cope. One lady went and rode with her husband in a dump truck so she would not  be alone. My mom carried beans to the can house to stay busy. I went for a long drive and had a good cry.  We all handle it differently.

My prayer for his is that his crossing be gentle. He has been a faithful servant.

My solace??? I can just imagine my husband looking at him when he crosses and saying “Well Preacher, what are you doing here?”

 

What The Heck Is Wrong With Me???

I have that feeling of unsettledness at the moment. Not sure where it is leading. I just something is not quite right.

It is one of those times when I am wondering what I have done wrong, although nothing comes to mind. No matter how anyone treats me, I blame myself, if someone is not talking to me, I have done something. I may not have but it is ingrained in my personality type, it is always our fault.

It is the end of the long week at work for me so that could have something to do with it.

It is during that week that I feel isolated. I don’t have much human contact outside work. I work, sleep and eat. You don’t have anyone to sit and talk with face to face. Because, you wake up in time to get to work.

That is the week I don’t get enough fresh air, sunshine and exercise. I start to get into my own head and the overthinking starts.

The negative committee begins to chatter. There is no way he can want you. You are not good enough. You are not smart enough. You feel like your thought process is so simple compared to his world view. What could you do better? Why even though you are trying to lose weight, it seems to hang on for dear life?

You fight against it with all your might. I am as good as anyone else; I am no better but just as good.  I may not be able to do what others do but they can’t do what I do. Don’t sit in the chair for 12 hours. Walk more than you have been walking. Leave the house just a little bit earlier so that you can get more fresh air and sunshine.

Still you struggle. Making yourself mentally and emotionally weary. You just have to carry on and do the best you can. Don’t let anyone see you are not okay right at the moment. You will be again, just not right now.

Tomorrow is my first day of the short week. I have to be at my part time job at noon, so still no rest but human face to face contact. It is a place to start.

Such is life…

Sometimes you don’t know which way to turn. I have a great deal on my mind and honestly, it is better for me to play it safe and not say anything or at least limit what I say.

It is hard when you have so much on your mind and you have learned just to keep it to yourself.

Some of it is good and some of it is not so good and I have learned to just remain quiet and let it work itself out.

It’s kind of funny that it happen now, last week I told a friend that if it wasn’t for my folks that I could leave here and not too many people would be bothered. Life has proven me right.

Last night my brakes went out and I had several curves to get through before I got home and I honestly thought if I go over this bank how long will it take for someone to notice that I was gone. I don’t know the answer to anything except to say such is life.

I will get my brakes worked on today, that can be fixed.  Other things well that could take a little longer.

I didn’t want to say things bother me but they do, I will never let on that I am hurt, what’s the point? What’s done is done.

This Is Not Fun….At the Moment…

Part of my philosophy of doing my craft is if it isn’t fun, don’t do it. If it doesn’t interest you don’t do it. There are things I have struggled with before but they interested me so it was fun even though I had difficulty with it.

I am in a spot where I don’t find it fun in any way nor do I really have an interest in the particular technique. I have intentionally stayed away from it because other people I know do it.

It is wire wrapping.

For some it comes easily. For me,  it does not. I have tried it before, several times with little to no success. For me it is like milking a lizard. It ain’t happening. I have spent the last week practicing. Wrapping, cussing, throwing away overused wire, salvaging the pieces I can to make bails for other pieces.

It is an exercise in patience. It has been requested that I do this for a piece I am making but I am struggling. All the other changes have been made, every one they requested. They being the people who jurored it for a gallery. It is just this one thing that is holding me back. I have put everything in front of this because I knew what it would be.

I don’t want to say it is difficult for me. I want to learn how to do it for the sake of getting into the gallery. Will I use it often? That is to be determined.

Just right at this moment, I am frustrated; with myself. Am I using the right wire? Is there something I should be doing differently? Obviously. Why can’t I do this? I DON’T KNOW. I am not whining, I am trying to help me by talking to you all and maybe if there is something that is making you crazy you won’t feel so alone.

Hellooooo….. is there anyone out there who deals with things like this??

I want to learn it, just right now I am struggling.

The lady who requested this adjustment is one of those people who said “You can teach yourself just check out this web site”. I have. That one and many more. I am not unteachable, I am just standing in my own way.

I know I will get it. Just like everything else I do. I am aware that some things come to us easier than others but it is just another hill to climb. I tried for six hours last night  only to get so frustrated I threw it across the room. That’s okay. I have to learn to crawl before I walk, walk before I jog and jog before I run.

Right now I am crawling and I have to be okay with that. I know all the wrong things to do, at some point the right thing to do will click and bam, it will work but for now, patience, practice and persistence.

 

Maybe It Is Time To Start The Vitamin D

Working night shift, you lose something valuable. Time, yes. Normalcy in interacting with others, yes. Neither of those are what I am talking about. I am talking about Vitamin D.

You get Vitamin D from the sun. It is the sunshine vitamin. Working nights, you get limited sunlight, you are sleeping while the sun shines. You get up in time to come to work and you sit staring at darkness under fluorescent light or in a dark room for 12 hours.

When you do this five out of seven days it gets to you. I am on day four of five this rotation.

Here are some of the symptoms:

  • Reduced calcium absorption, resulting in bone pain, muscle weakness, and increased risk of osteoporosis
  • High blood pressure
  • Irritability due to vitamin D’s role in managing the brain’s serotonin levels
  • Reduced aerobic capacity and overall endurance
  • Depression
  • Higher risk of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia in pregnant women
  • Low birth weight in infants
  • Reduced effectiveness of insulin
  • Weakened immune response

The irritability and I wouldn’t say depression, just not seeing myself in  a good light, those are evident. When I get on my own nerves, I know I get on others nerves as well.

One of my co-workers and I were talking about it tonight. I told them that I felt so good on my vacation and here less than a week later, I want to run away and never look back.

I was outside everyday when I was on vacation. I was getting sunshine. I was honestly getting less sleep while I was off. So, it is not sleep that is the problem. So maybe it is time to supplement.

We’ll see how it works out. Maybe I won’t be as negative about things. I made a negative comment to my person today and then had to apologize. So, it is time to swallow a pill and feel better.