Cuts Run Deep…

I take peoples actions at face value. People lie thorough their teeth. I see it all the time.

Last night my very own sister cut me to the bone. I haven’t said anything to anyone and I won’t , people don’t understand that I see right through masks.

I was standing in a business establishment and she spoke to everyone there except me. She stood kind of behind me so that she thought I couldn’t see her.

She conducted her business and left. I spoke to her but she seemed uncomfortable. We live in a small town and everyone knows we are sisters and I was even asked about it after she left.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged it off. I thought about it last night. I even made a pintrest board about hurt.

When her world has fallen apart, I have always been there. When she got into trouble, I was there. When my world fell apart almost six years ago, she was a ghost. She hasn’t been in my house since my husband was buried.

So, when I hurt, I hide it. Right now, I feel like no one wants me around. I feel like I am bothering everyone so when someone gives me a pseudo time limit, I  try not to over stay my welcome.

Only once in my life have I had to completely close the door to save myself from hurt, maybe it is time to do that again. I will still love her, maybe I’ll just have to love her from a distance. I don’t ask her to carry my burdens. Never have.

So for now, I lick my wounds and I work on my projects and to the world, I pretend like I am not hurting. Inside my home, I cry. That’s okay. It’s not the first time. Just don’t let anyone else see the tears and the hurt. Maybe it is time for me to wear a mask for a while.

Another Long Night…

It is 3am and I am wide awake. Part of me is frustrated, part of me is unnerved, part of my is questioning. Not sure which to focus on first.

Unnerved springs to mind. I am currently living with a six foot black snake in my house. I saw him for the second time this year on Sunday. He will be evicted on Monday. My mom finally called the exterminator and he is coming then, it is now the wee hours of Thursday morning. My house at the moment is a wreck partially due to this being the long week and partially due to the fact, I am honestly scared to be in my own home. I come in here to sleep and change clothes.

I don’t let anyone know how scared I am. I make a joke of it and go on. Never let them see you sweat.

I am questioning a great number of things right now. Some family issues, some not and that is where the frustrated feeling is coming from. Having worked 20 hours yesterday and sleeping about 12 before actually recovering, I am wide awake, in the night, feeling alone, scared and unnerved.

All I can say at the moment is come on daybreak.

I Sit Alone In A Box…

Every night I work, I sit in a box. I am surrounded by fluorescent lighting. A TV is playing to my right with news talking about Trumps, Uber, The Queen of England.

People move about near me. Doors open. Door close.

I work on projects in my down time until I allow myself to go elsewhere.

I don’t have to go far about four miles to find my heart and feed my fantasy.

I see him laying in his bed, dressed in what I imagine he wears to bed, which isn’t much. Under only a sheet because he is restless from the heat of the summer night. One leg is thrown out from under the sheet. I see the bend of his leg and smile.

In this fantasy, he is dreaming of me, I hope. There is a slight moan that escapes his lips that has my name on it. I see that his hair is down from the way he usually wears it. I see that he has rapid eye movements which means he is dreaming. I hope it is me and him and naughty things. As I watch this dream state, he whispers my name.

I stand in the doorway and watch him and feel myself react. It is so strong, I can smell the raw maleness of him.

I react to this vision not only in the fantasy but also in my physical person. I sit here and the phone rings and I am swiftly carried away from thoughts of him and what I would like to see and I am swept from this place of passion, back into my box and snatched from fantasy back to reality. Sitting in my box.

I Got Flirted With ???….

Yesterday, I had a plan. The plan was simple but nobody stayed on script, but that is cool.

I was going to take my mom to do some things but she was not her best so she needed some time. My best friend needed my help with a catering. My person me never said if he wanted to go play in the mud or not so I rearranged.

I gave my mom some time to get her nerves settled and went and helped my best friend with the catering. While I was there I noticed this guy kept looking at me. When he came to the drink station, he said I like it real sweet, you better dip your finger in it. I just looked at him, my friend jumped in and said She’s not that sweet. He said maybe you should dip it twice then. He looked at me a gave me a smile.

Now, there was a time in my life I was very much desired. I used to get my behind grabbed, my neck kissed, my boobs stared at while we were eating out with the silent unspoken I want dessert when we get home but that was some years ago.

Things have changed. Now, I try to flirt and it goes unheeded. It was odd for someone to flirt with me.

I will never see him again. It was nice though that someone saw something that they liked about me physically.

I Will Always Love You….

My girls (my great nieces) are growing up so very fast, the oldest one just turned 13 in May. An actual teenager in Earth years but she has one of those old souls.

She is so wise for her age, wiser than me some days, as she proved to me today as we had a conversation driving up the road.

We were doing a photo shoot for her new CD. Everybody’s first response is that she is beautiful. She is, no doubt about it; she is gorgeous. She is also, smart, talented, funny, goofy, wise beyond her years, a loving person who wants to see good in everyone. She is strong in her faith. She will not do anything she finds distasteful. She is focused. She is driven. She will not put her name on something she is not proud of. She is so much more than what people see.

They simply do not know her like I do. She always tells her other sisters that I love her more because I have loved her longer. I love them all, in different ways. They are all so very unique. They all have their strengths and very singular personalities. I give them the attention each needs. It’s just that right now the focus is on the older one getting her CD done.

We were alone on one of my favorite crooked country roads. It is the second round of photos for the project.  Her parents leaving her in my care,  had left us  to do what we do because they had to take care of some other things. We were fighting for time, there was a thunderstorm not so far away.

We did the shots and as always, I had music playing from an old cell phone. The song “Forever Country”, which is a mashup of some classic country songs sang by some of the greatest voices from the past and the present,  came on. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9gAXwYZtfk

We were looking at the shots we had just taken, she has to proof each of them. As we stood there flipping through pictures, we began singing along with the song. At the end of the song the last song they blend in is “I Will Always Love You” came on. As they began to sing that part, she laid her head over on my shoulder and sang to me.

Of course, I cried. In that moment, I knew that I was loved as deeply and as innocently as anyone could ever be. She wanted nothing but to in her way tell me she loves me. She does all the time but that time was a little more special than all the times before. No one saw it, no one was supposed. It was a moment but one that I will hold in my heart forever.

The Coin

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I would like to tell you my story. Now, to you I may look like a normal silver dollar and if you found me, you might spend me or you might put me in a treasure chest or a piggy bank. I don’t have a great deal of value on the market but I am more valued than you will ever know.

When I was new, a man gave me to his father in law. I was new and shiny. I was fresh out of the mint. I was brand new. The word liberty was stamped was stamped on the front of me over a picture of President Dwight Eisenhower in profile which was in the middle and my year of birth was along the bottom of the coin. On the left side of the front of the coin were the words ” In God We Trust”

Tattooed on my back was an American Eagle, “The United States of America ” and “One Dollar”. My edges were ridged. I was beautiful.

The father in law thought so much of me, I went every where he went. I went to work with him, when he worked in the field, I was right there. Even when he ate his meals, I was there.  When he slept at night, I was on the chest at the foot of his bed. The next morning we would start all over.

I lived in his pants pocket. I met other coins but the came and they went. I was the only one that stayed. For 23 years I was with him every step he made.

When the man got sick and knew he was going to die, he placed me in the hand of his daughter. Give this to your youngest daughter. She said she would and she  put me away in a safe place.

For another 23 years I stayed locked away. I didn’t see any light. I just laid there, waiting. The other day,  I saw light for the first time in a long time.

Yesterday, the daughter spent the day with her mother. They did a little shopping, took  a nice long drive and went back to the mother’s house.

The mother reached into her pocket and pulled me out. She handed me to her daughter and told her my story.

With tears in her eyes, she (the daughter) ran her finger across my surface and felt how smooth I had become. Some of the letters in Liberty were gone. She had to strain to see the words “In God We Trust”. The eagle was still perceivable. The words on the back, they had all but disappeared. My edge was now smooth as a baby’s bottom.

Here I am old and worn. I have be aged by time and pressure. I am not shiny and new anymore but yet in this woman’s hand, I was treasured. I was LOVED!!!  I am of infinite value and she wouldn’t sell me for a million dollars. You see,  she knows the value of the fact that her grandfather wanted her to have this precious thing.I matter to him and now I matter to her.  He wanted to make sure that I was taken care of after he was gone and now I am on my new home. Tonight, I am  in her pocket as she works. She introduced me to her person today. He held me on his hand, he seems like  a great guy. She is her happiest when she is with him.  She also  showed me to some of her coworkers and they all seemed touched by my story.

When she gets home from work tomorrow morning, she will remove me from her pocket, she will lay me up on the chest at the foot of her bed, just like her grandfather.

My journey begins again, only with a different person to love, just like her.

Maybe that is why she is supposed to have me. She knows what it is like to be loved for a second time. This is going to be another awesome journey. We are both excited to see where it will lead.

 

I Want To Be The Girl That Lives In His Fantasies…

We all have that person that we would love to “be” with. Between the sheets.

I was told awhile back by one of my female counterparts that I was a “good girl”, because I have never tasted alcohol, never done drugs amd the only person I have slept with is my late husband.

She doesn’t know that my mind is a wonderland. Whenever I am near him I want to touch him. I want to be near him as much as possible. He could be the only one who can bring out the bad side of the “good girl”.

I would love to lay with him in my bed, learning each other’s like, dislikes, fantasies but the fear of rejection stops me. I know I am not the long legged beauty, I am short and curvy and middle aged. That in no way means I am dead.

I have longings, desires and fantasies and each and everyone of them revolve around my person,  yet when I try to flirt I am awkward and when I think about saying it I am rendered mute. I think we would be great together but how do we get there from here???