Sometimes you have to be torn down to be built back up…..

I am going to admit something here I would never say out loud. I let my health go down hill in a big way. I did so because I lost faith in the medical system.

In the past, something huge was missed and it cost me my spouse. Why go to the doctor if they are going to half assed do their job and you are going to die anyway?

So for 6 years, when someone would tell me to go to the doctor when I felt bad almost got them punched in the throat.

Fast forward to this year, my insurance required me to get a physicals or be penalized. So… I put it off as long as I could.

I go to the doctor, after considering many, I chose one that I knew. It is not easy to let just anyone do a full exam on you including a Pap smear.

So I went. First words I get from the nurse, who is a friend of mine was “Get completely naked, put the gown on open in the front.” Being uncomfortable, I say and take a selfie. She said I better not see this on Facebook.

My nerves were at an all time high. The come in and check my sugar and it is high. They do an A1C right there in the office. It is double what it supposed to be.

When it came time for the Pap smear I made a joke about needing a battering ram to get in there it has been so long since I have well you know. They laughed. It was the easiest exam I have ever had down there.

She decided to put me on a shot each day. I could handle that. I got this.

Well, nobody told me acclimating to this new medicine would make me very sick. It did. For three days I would work and sleep. Eating made me deathly ill. I nibbled.

I was so sick the second day, I missed something very important. I got up to get ready and wound up vomiting. I just went back to bed.

And let me tell you, there is nothing like trying to throw up in a toilet that you share with your coworkers.

Add to this that I am a terrible patient, I got down mentally and emotionally. I felt isolated. I had one friend who because I was absent on social media came to the office to check on me. My best friend was about to lose her mind because I wasn’t answering her text, although I wasn’t getting the text because she was sending them to my home number not my cell.

My person checked on me but allowed me to process. And my mom more than checked on me. None of my other family members cared enough to pick up the phone to call or even text.

I laid here and I cried. I would have to make myself get up and function and I felt like I couldn’t.

My guys at work knew I was sick and would drop in at random times to see how I was. Not asking any questions just random drop ins.

Then came the news that I had a couple more things wrong.

Considering it had been so long since I had seen a doctor things could have been much worse.

Having been on the meds almost a week I am feeling better. I still get sick after the shot or if I eat too much but I don’t feel as run down.

I remember just a few weeks ago praying and telling God that I was just so tired. That I needed real rest. At one point I thought death would be easier than just functioning.

I thought I was just pushing myself  too hard. Working, trying to get things in a gallery, getting ready in a short time for a craft show. My anxiety was high to say the least.

Well, fast forward a week later…. my blood sugar is under better control (according to the mornings fasting test), I have lost 10 pounds (according to this mornings weigh in ) and I am resting well enough that I am getting to a dream state, although underlying fears and insecurity are coming to the front.

I know old habits needed to die, my system had to be broken down only to be built back now.

Now to take care of the emotional toil life is taking.

One thing at a time.

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The things I Do For Me…..

I have many hobbies. Hobbies, you know those things that you do for enjoyment.

I was going through some paintings I had played with a while back. I had actually forgotten about them. They are abstract. It is just me playing. I liked them a lot. One I am going to hang in my workroom, apparently I am not accomplished enough to call my work space a studio. So, I call it my workroom.

I paint, I read, I write,  I take photos, I try new things, I fail, I try again. Nobody ever gets to see these. It is not their hobby. It is mine. I do these things for my soul.

I don’t need someone judging it by their standard. I simply need to do it to be doing. You won’t ever see any of my work hanging in a museum. You won’t find my writings on the shelves of your favorite bookstore.

It is the pain, joy, flights of fancy and all the other things inside me; done by me and for me.

Out of Their Box….

Have you ever had people in your life that you felt were ashamed of you? That the only time you hear from them is when they want something from you? They don’t understand that life changed how you see things.

I have some of those people “in” my life. At this point, I am afraid that they are just going to have to get used to who I am.

I am not what they think I should be. I’m not, I am so much more.

I have walked through the fire and that changes you. It will incinerate you or strengthen you.

I have given so much that I depleted myself. I laid in my bed sick for three days and not a one of them checked on me, yet every time their world crumbled, I was right there.

It is fine by me if you don’t think of me as an artist, I know the work I put into my craft. I spend hours working on what I do. Hell, it is tough for me to say I am an artist but I am getting better at it.

You may value the opinion of others more than you do mine. Okie fine, I will keep my opinion to myself.

You may not care if I live or die but I do. I have to burst out of the box people have always known and be who I am. They can like it or not. It is no longer my problem. My problem is that I have accepted being second best all my life.

INFJ and INTP

0D08B88E-431B-4983-ABD2-7B868062F4E2.jpegI am a feeler. He is a thinker.  He is focused and I am scattered in my thought process. Today, I passed a flag pole standing along the road, I was going to pick him up so we could go take photographs. I thought about us, he is the pole. Strong and steady, I am the the flag. I flit around in the breeze and he is there to make sure I am sured up and he gives me that security in the storms of life. He is my strong, I hope he sees me as  his adventure.

I noticed this today when we were taking photos. He was focusing on the process he was working on and I was flittering yards ahead to take in everything I could see.

Our conversions are interesting. Bless him, he needs a road map to following my thought process. I need you yell “plot twist” when changing subjects. He hangs right with me though. I learn so much from him. He makes me laugh like no one else can.

The thinker and the feeler some may not think it works but it works for us.  It is nice to have that person you can talk to about anything and they are your cheerleader, your sounding board, your voice of reason and that person who can help you see life from a different perspective.

This INFJ is so thankful for her INTP and what he means to her.

And They Are Back….

The dreams, they are back.

They come when I am stressed and I have been stressed for a while. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. No reason to, I am in one of those I am pretty much worthless spots I go through. That I don’t matter. That if I disappeared from the planet no one would notice. I don’t plan on harming myself, I just feel like I matter to no one. .

You know those spots when you feel like you are fighting a dragon with a medicine dropper filled with water. You can’t stop what you are feeling. You try to keep it down but you can’t.

This feeling will pass. I know it will. I just have to weather the storm. So, I go silent. Nobody in my real life gets to see this part. They truly do not understand so I just keep it to myself.

This time was the dream consisted of me being trapped somewhere and I couldn’t escape. I was trying with all my might but I couldn’t get free.

Yesterday, the dream seemed to manifest itself. I needed to get some supplies for my jewelry business. The people who have decided it was gallery worthy now wanted some tweaks.

Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and being an INFJ (an inquisitive one) I stopped by to talk to them and sure enough, they had some changes they wanted me to make.

Sure, I can do that. It should be easy enough and it is, only it is on a massive scale and it is going to cost more, which means I am by necessity going to require that my prices go up.

Now, this bothers me, that I am going to have to be vocal about this but I have put a great deal of money in time into this just to be told that after they had accepted it that they want this change.

Being fair, on the flip side of the same coin, I know they are telling me this to help me be a better artist. I don’t resent the changes, I struggle with saying that it is costing me time and money so therefore, I will have to offset my cost.

Sorry, I wandered off point.

So, I needed to get supplies and I felt uneasy about it the whole time I was getting ready. I would be going on this trip alone, not by choice but alone just the same. It was going to be quick because I needed to get what I required  and get to work.

I made three stops. Lunch, the supplies I needed and to get my niece a cupcake for her birthday.

Everything was going great until the last stop. I pulled in beside a Ford Explorer. I saw there was a man sitting in the car. I went inside, made my purchase and came back out.

As I started to make the turn toward my car, the door of the Explorer opened and a man stepped out and he said “Well, I guess I am in your way.” My reply, that’s fine come on. He closed the door and stood there and said you can come on through. There was not a great deal of space and I was going to be trapped between two cars with a man who made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Negative Ghost Rider.

I looked at him and said again You can just come right on through. Now my demeanor was calm but inside I was figuring out how to protect myself and get out of this situation. Kick him in the nuts if he touches you, go to the other side of you car and grab your taser and light him up like a Christmas tree.

As he walked toward me, I kept stepping backward. I was going to be in the great wide open. I waited for him to turn toward the store. I quickly got into my car and locked the door on the off chance that he came back.

Once I got my bearings back, I started home. I wasn’t scared. I was angry and hurt. I still am. For several reasons, my sense of safety was violated. I was alone.

So today, I stayed home, by choice. I didn’t want to be around people. I packed my lunch so I would not be out in a public space. I drove from home to work.

People tend to make light of this but in the business I work in, you become more aware of your surroundings. You don’t want to call 911 if you are able and say something bad happened to me, because I wasn’t safe.

It will be a while before I am able to go back there. I will make do the best I can. I will not feel safe for a good while. Last night I kept checking to make sure my doors were locked. I don’t feel safe right now. That has to be okay, not that it is acceptable just that I have to deal with it on my terms.

 

Life and Fantasy

This is starting out as one of those untitled posts. There is a great deal going through my mind and life is either feast or famine for me.  I either have nothing to do or I am going full on. Lately I have been going full on.

My jewelry business is suddenly going gang busters.  I got accepted into a gallery, I have gotten two commission pieces, I have several pieces that have been purchased and just need to be picked up.

As someone who gets easily overwhelmed, it is scary, that is the best word I can think of.

This is when I turn inside and I don’t talk so much. I am trying to figure it out. I don’t want to come off as bitchy, I am not, I just get my mind on something and until I get it worked through, I just kind of don’t talk.

At times like this, my person, my best friend and my mom are the ones I talk to about what I am thinking. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know. My person rescued me from myself today. My best friend has come to my rescue at least three times this week. My mom made sure I was fed a good home cooked meal last night.

When I get in this place, I forget to take care of basic things. This weeks crisis, I thought I had another week to pay my car insurance which would put me into my next payday. Wrong, so I had to suck it up and pay it, hindering any merry making this weekend. I really need to do better about those things that sneak up on me.

When I get in this place I write in my two sets of books. One is for my reality; the other my fantasy.

The reality, is I can’t do this. All my insecurities that I don’t talk about out loud are written in this book. It is those things that I hide from everyone else.

In the fantasy though, I am a whole different person. I am sure and confident. I am sexy and alluring. I am uninhibited. I allow those passions that I feel for my person to come spilling out of my head and onto paper.

Even he would be very surprised at what lurks within.  Those things I don’t say out loud. I keep it hid pretty well. I am not those girls that he looks at. I am clumsy, I am heavier than I would like to be, I am not one of those dainty little things who can wear a bikini.

Although a co-worker and I were talking about her recent beach trip and I made that same comment to her and she said, you see yourself very differently than other people see you.  So that spawned me to do something that I have never done. I took a semi clad photo of myself. All the important parts were covered up but there was more skin than I had ever shown in a photo.  It was an interesting exercise, it helped me see myself.

I am not those girls that men trip over to be with. I am too sensitive for my own good sometimes. I let worry take over common sense. I would like to be skinnier but genetics, a lifetime of bad habits and age are working against me.

None of the change the fact that I long to be his. I want him to touch my body and me touch him. I want us to know each other fully, in every way.

In my fantasies that happens. He knows all those things that I never speak aloud. He knows what pleases me and I know what pleases him and we allow ourselves explore, titillate and tantalize, without fear or shame.

I could never talk to him about this out loud. In my writings, no one knows I am writing about what I would like to do to and with him.

It is my escape, I allow my sensuality to release for me from my reality.

Stillness In The Eye of The Storm…

So when I was going through my recent bout of anxiety, I got to the point where all I could do was pray. It wasn’t a pretty prayer. It was me at bottom going God I have no where else to look. I need some answers. I need you to help me with this thing. I need you and I need you now.

God is right on time every time. I listened after I prayed. I was taught a lesson in life. I was taught a lesson in humility. I was reminded of some happy times as a child where I overcame my fears and I was told to reach out to others, which I haven’t done in a while.

God showed me through the art that I do how I am being put through the same fire. It will strengthen me just as it does the glass I work with.

I was reminded that I had always allowed my fear to stand in the way of things and it had cost me hours of fun that once I overcame that it was some of the best times of my childhood.

I was reminded that in times of internal struggle, I should turn outward and present others to the world. Build others up. I have cousins who are photographers and jewelry makers just as I am. My person is an artist, he paints and sculpts and so much more. A friend of mine grows pumpkins, his art is in nature. I have three friends who bake cakes. My sister does floral design. My niece is a cosmetologist, her art is done on the human body.  Instead of waiting for them to promote me which none of them do, promote them, not wanting anything in return, just to be kind. Just to show that talent is all around me. I won’t share everything the post but I will try to help them if I can. There are different types of creativity.

In the middle of the chaos of my own making, I found silence in the eye of the storm. I was made aware of a great deal of things. I have now put them into place. Some don’t and won’t understand it. I have to be okay with that. It is not their life. It is mine. I want us all to win. Simple yet so hard for some to understand.