Weary Ramblings…..

I have lived my whole life worrying about what people would think of me if I say the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, wore the wrong thing.

I am so over it. I want to be exactly who I am not worrying about what other people think or say. That my friends is true freedom. I am pushing 50, that magical number that when you reach that level you just don’t care anymore.

I was always the kid who followed all the rules. Don’t disappoint anyone. Parents, teachers or friends.  I have always let fear rule my life. I have always compared myself to others. Particularly, other women. Being overweight most of my life, I was never desirable to the guys in high school. They actually made fun of me if they found out I had a crush on them.

I have had to do a  great deal of work on me in my life time. It was easier not to care than to get hurt. It was better to have a wall than to risk letting anyone else.

One day someone found their way over that wall and for 181/2 years, I trusted someone. Then he died. Almost 6 years ago in three days to be exact.

I shut myself off again. I kept pretty much to myself. A few people came to find me, others went away. About a 9 months out someone noticed me and feeling lost and alone, I let them in. Mistake one, followed by mistakes two and three. No of them trust worthy at all, they saw a lonely woman that they deemed as desperate.

I wasn’t that desperate. I have never seen myself as desperate. I don’t give certain things away just for a one night fling. That is pointless to me. I am a demisexual for sure. Before I allow someone to cross certain lines, I have to have an emotional bond with you.

Then for the second time in my life. Someone scaled that wall and wow, how my life changed. For only the second time in my life, I have attained that emotional bond. I was blessed to meet another wonderful man and have a second chance to love someone. Some people don’t get that chance once. I have had it twice.

I am not sure how he feels about me. I don’t know what he sees when he looks at me. I don’t ask. I know I am not the young supermodels he has taken photos of. I know I am not cute and petite. I can hang with the guys I work with but some days, I want to wear a skirt and makeup just for me. I want to feel pretty.

Yes, I am pushing 50. Yes, I am slightly overweight. You know what though, for the first time I can look at my naked reflection in the mirror and be okay with what I see.

I have never been able to do that. I see a woman who is ready to fully love again. Someone who was taught that it was shameful to want someone so strongly. I am woman of intense imagination. Nobody knows all my thoughts. There are secrets that are better kept to oneself and to leave a trail of breadcrumb hints. It is the art of seduction. You don’t give away all your secrets. That is like reading the back of the book, you miss the adventure leading you to that last page.

I see a woman who loves life, exploring, adventure, learning and loving.

I am a woman of sensual desire. I don’t broadcast that. I don’t even mention it. I hide it as much as possible. I don’t want everyone to know, just the right one.

So maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. For now, I’ll just do what I do and enjoy my life. I will enjoy what we have and if it grows I am open to that.


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