I am inside my head way too much right at this moment. It is a cancer eating away at me.
I can’t sleep well, I can’t eat, I am a frigging cry bag and I can’t stop. I have gnawed on my lip until it is raw. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Nothing is working out right. Today I was attempting to cut a piece of glass and wound up cutting myself and threw everything across the house. It wasn’t the glasses fault. It was my fault. Right now I feel everything is my fault.
Why? Because I fear, I hurt someone that I love more than I love my own self. I didn’t do it on purpose. I meant what I said as a compliment. It was mixed amongst babble. I wasn’t trying to down play his artistry, I am envious of what he can do, that I can’t do so well.
Working nights, you lose precious time. Everyone else lives in a daytime world. I live in a night time world. You work three straight 12 hours shifts and that leaves no time to take care of what you need to take care of. I am seeing it in the relationships of some of my co-workers. We all are losing time with those we love.
I want to see him face to face and explain that I believe in him so much and I want him to believe in himself as well. From the bottom of my heart, I feel he can do anything he sets his mind to do. I have seen him do amazing things. He is so smart and talented and I have to wonder what in the hell he could ever see in me. I’m not beautiful in the traditional sense, I don’t feel like I am smart or talented…what is it?
I want to take him by his face and tell him that he is the best person I know, that I wish I could be more like him. He is so level headed and looks at life from a much different perspective than I do. He ignites a fire deep within me, in more than one way. I want to tell him he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I want us to work on projects together, each of us using our own special talents and gifts. I want him to be a part of every moment of my life. Every moment, good and bad. I want to be that for him as well.
But for now, I sit in a darkened room, waiting for a phone to ring, telling people I am just tired, fighting back tears. It is just easier.
I want to be with him, I want to take him by his face, I want to look him in the eye and say loudly and babble free. I love you!! I have loved you for so long, I would hurt myself before I would intentionally hurt you. I desire for all your dreams to come true. I admire who you are and what you do. You give my otherwise pitiful existence meaning. You reminded me how to live and love.
Just in case you didn’t know.