I have always allowed myself to feel second rate. It is nothing I consciously did, it was just that I always felt inferior.
My sister never studied and she was a straight A student. She could pass a test and never open a book. She was the basketball star, she has kids and grand kids.
I struggled with each and every C that I earned. I was the band geek, I did run track for two years but I was average at that. Band was more my thing. I never managed to bring life into the world and it is too late to start now.
When trying to learn new things, I go through the same process and come test time. I panic. I know it is going to happen and I prepare for that.
In my jobs, although competent to do jobs I have had, I live in a culture that uses fear and threats as motivation. So by the time I had left a job, I was beaten down.
Here is the thing though, now I don’t allow that to happen to me. I am not the best in the world but I am not the worst either. I do there very best job I can for the people I work with and those I serve.
I give the best of me to my person, my family, my friends and my co-workers. This time though, I save a little bit for me. I learn something new every day. I will get something on my mind and I will research it. I never want to stop learning. I allow myself to meditate and contemplate life and the world around me, I make sure I write in my journal to get my feelings onto paper. Even when it hurts that is when I need to write most. I love sharing my love of journaling with others.
I may not be the cute little thing that men desire, I know my flaws better than anyone, but I have a good heart and a thirst for knowledge. Most recently have been studying up on hydroponics and aquaponics. I may never use it but I can speak clearly about it. Then again, I might use it. You never know.
I am secure in who I am when I are working on my job and if there is something that comes up that I haven’t handled before, I call on the resources at my disposal.
I have grown a great deal in six years. Some may see it as a good thing, some may see it as a bad thing. I see it as an amazing thing. I am happy that I have taken some of the chances I have taken. I used to be the kid who was scared of her shadow, the one who was always at the back of the line. Now, I found out that me might get to do a ride along in a medical air transport unit and I was the first to shoot my hand in the air and almost scream I want to do it.
I want the most of the time I have left here. I don’t want to live my life as someone who is afraid to take risk. I might get rejected, I may very well fail but I won’t be found not trying.
Living life as a second class citizen, an option, that is not for me anymore.