Just Do You…

I have something on my mind and I need to get it out there.

I am a big girl. Not as big as some, not as small as others. I am too big to be average size, certainly no supermodel.

I am one of those women who doesn’t show all the cards she is holding.

I think about a great number of things when I am alone, which is a good deal of the time.

I don’t talk about all the things I think about and I don’t put them all on here.

I have those super secret saved pins on Pinterest boards about corsets, lingerie, fishnet stocking and such. Not that I am ashamed of them, it is for the simple fact it is nobody’s business but mine.

I have battled my weight for ummmm….forever. I was a chubby kid, the fat girl, the plus sized woman for most of my life.

Here is what I am… I am a woman. I like frilly things although no one has ever seen them but one man. I don’t wear them for others, I wear them for me. I like they way they feel on my skin. I like knowing they are there and nobody else has a clue.

I have spent an entire lifetime getting to the place where I can feel comfortable in the skin I am in, no matter what the size in my clothes say and believe me when I say the size I used to wear was much larger than I do now. My goal is to live healthier not skinnier.

For my entire married life, my late husband tried to assure me that I was a desirable creature. Believe me, he tried, every chance he got.

I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe him. Shame on me. I should have believed him when he told me those things.

My person has more than once told me that he wishes I could see me the way he sees me. I could tell him the same thing. He kind of blows it off when I try to tell him I find him desirable. I do the same thing. I should say thank you not ahhhh nah.

Lately though, there has been a shift in my thinking. It is up to me if I feel sexy. Sexy is not a clothing size. Never has been, never will be. Beauty comes from the inside. Beauty is seen by those who wish to see it.

What I have been criticizing all these years is what makes me, me. I am not the size I want to be but I am not the size I was and once upon a time, someone found that me desirable.

 Recently, someone told me that I looked happy. I said I am, they said no, you don’t understand, I have never seen you look truly happy. Now, this person has known me for two years. They were part of my troubles which caused my job change. In that however I did find my voice. I also found a place where I am appreciated for the talents I bring. It is appreciated, not abused.

So, no matter if you are a size 2 or a size 22. Love yourself. Love your body. Treat it well, it is the only one you have. Love your heart, your spirit, your soul and your mind for that is who you truly are. Those who make you feel like you are less than if it be for being too skinny or being too fat, that is their problem not yours.

If you wanna wear sexy knickers ( or none) under a uniform, that is nobody’s  business but yours. Just be who you are. Either people will love your for it, tolerate you for it and some will hate you for it.

As a friend told me one about five years ago…. “Just Do You”.

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