I haven’t felt the greatest the last two days. The flu bug has hit my workplace with a vengeance. I have been doing what I know to do to ward it off, extra sleep (which is hard to do when you work nights) and work your schedule fluctuates it is hard to get the rest you need on a normal basis.
So yesterday when I woke up in a cold sweat, I could feel it coming on. The it, wasn’t the flu, it was an anxiety attack. I worked my way through it. I washed a few clothes. I cooked. I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t eat but I cooked. I did a photographic experiment, that totally worked. I did anything to stay busy. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it. I just dealt.
At one point, I knew my grandmothers spirit had stopped by for a minute. I smelled her. Funny thing, it was while I was cooking. I was making enough food to share with my person, hoping to see him and surprise him. That did not happen. The reason I think she stopped by then was because cooking was her love language. She would cook for those she loved. If she knew you like something she cooked, she made sure you got plenty of it.
Finally, I sat down and had a good cry. I got up, I came to work and once here, I was able to manage it.
It was very busy last night. So, I didn’t have time to validate what was going on inside. I need to handle the external so the internal needed to hang on. I wanted to laugh so I watched some youtube videos of the Little Rascals. Hopefully, the urge to laugh would drown out the negative feelings I was having. I actually took time to draw how I was feeling on the inside.
Today, I woke up and started to piece together a jewelry piece I have been working on in my mind for several days. It wasn’t working out like I had thought. I felt the anxiousness coming back. This time I approached it much differently. I sat. I closed my eyes, I listened….to the sound of cars on the highway outside my window. There was life outside what I felt at this moment. I heard the air cleaner in my living room humming. I heard the faucet in my kitchen dripping. I heard the ice in my ice maker drop.
After sitting there listening to the sounds of my life, how my house sounds when I am not there; I opened my eyes I looked around and saw my nice clean living space, I saw one of my mantras hanging on the wall, I saw a painting of my reconstructed heart that I had painted several years ago. I saw how the light from the lamp beside me played on the dvd cases across the room; just anything to connect me to the present.
When I got ready to come to work, I put some of my favorite items underneath my uniform, pulled on my fishnets and slid into my favorite cowboy boots. It made me feel better.
I know what has set this off, my concern is how I react to it. I think today turned out much better.