Do You Ever Feel Yourself Just Disappearing???…..

 I will admit that I am struggling with life right now. I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. Alone. The only time I feel alive is when I am with him.

I am working on a project that is requiring more organizational skills than I possess. I am having to dig deep for this one and it is taking a toll on me.

I am setting up a studio of sorts. I want to reclaim my living space from piles of stuff I use to work on projects. Maybe some day, someone will want to come visit me and it would be nice for them to have a place to sit.

So for the last two days, I have worked on this project. Only seeing people when I go to buy shelving and when I get something to eat; otherwise, I am working on this project for hours and hours.

I will take something out of the room and take something into the room. There are things that must remain in the room and I have to work around those. There are things that will be used that are already in the room, they will just be re-purposed for a light table and not a computer desk.

I will set something on the shelf, trying to keep like things together and having many interest some of the items cross over from project to project. I may use something for home decor and jewelry. I may use it for photographing jewelry.  OMG… Does it go with home decor, jewelry, photography (insert scream here). So where does it live? Where does it belong? I kind of know how it feels right at this moment.

I have been so focused on this and thinking it would be easier than it is, that I am beginning to get lost and just wander with something in my hand asking myself  where does it go?

The introvert in my knows that it will totally be worth it and I can listen to my music and dance around in my underwear if I want to while I am working on this.

The extrovert in me screams….GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND OUT OF MY OWN MIND. I NEED HUMAN INTERACTION. I NEED TO TALK.  I NEED COMPANIONSHIP. I NEED TO LAUGH!!!

Yet, it is silent, for the most part. I feel like I am slowly disappearing. I am becoming invisible. I am just this thing in these four walls then I move to another four walls for twelve hours and repeat the process.  The thought even crossed my mind, Am I going to die? Is there something in me preparing for others to go through my belongings when I am gone.

At this point, I feel like I am being left out of my own life.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from buying shelving for this project, I heard the song perfect by Pink.  Here is a link if you don’t know the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12L8Tus290I

I found myself driving up the road, tears rolling down my face. I feel so much like nothing right now. I feel  so much less than perfect right at this moment.

My house is a complete wreck but I knew going into it that I would have to tear down to build up. Sadly, I have had to do that way too many times in my life.

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