I really don’t know how to begin this post so I will just start typing.
I want to lose another forty pounds. That is a lot for a 48 year old woman to think about losing.
Age, genetics and metabolism are all working against me.
I want to be healthier. I have lost approximately 130 pounds over the past six years and managed to keep most of it off. I fluctuate from time to time.
In my current occupation, I sit 12 hours at a time. There is very little movement. I don’t rest well when I don’t move enough.
I can tell that I am not as limber as I was a year ago. Yes, I am pushing 50. Yes, that makes a difference.
Yesterday, I finally told my person what I wanted to do. His first question was, “Why?”
I want to be healthier, I want to feel better, I want to do it for me. My response, I just want to.
We talked about what how we wanted to improve our health and our shape. I see nothing at all wrong with his form and I told him as much. He does. I can’t say anything about that.
I have to be careful how I lose the weight. Having carried a great deal of weight for more years than I want to admit, my skin will be even more saggy than it is now.
We talked about me going to the local gym. I just can’t do it. I told him that I couldn’t. Once again he asked me why. When I shrugged it off, he asked a couple questions and on the third try he got it. The question was “did you have a bad experience in high school gym class?”. My response was simply yes. I didn’t explain what it was but I am going to here in an effort to overcome it.
I was so big in high school that the issued gym shorts they gave us at the beginning of our freshman year didn’t even come close to fitting me. It was difficult for my mom to find something close and those fit so tight, I worried everyday that I would burst out of them like a can of biscuits sitting in a sunny window in July.
I never showered after gym class. I didn’t want the other girls making fun of me. The guys that I might like were discouraging enough. It was almost like a curse if one of them ever found out that I liked them. They avoided me at all cost. That kind of thing carries over into adulthood and you have to overcome it.
I had one date in high school and it was the prom date from hell and I dated that guy for a while after we got out of school for about a year and found him cheating on me with multiple girls. So, when my late husband came along and thought I was the prettiest thing on the planet, he pursued me. As a matter of fact, as I was getting out of one relationship (the bad one) I got flowers from both of them the same day.
So, that kind of makes me who I am today. I am very guarded with my feelings. for fear of rejection. I will finally word vomit and say how I feel, I have several times with my person.
Today, now getting to my point, I went hiking. I walked a trail my person and I had recently spoken about. I had walked it couple years ago and I told him that day that I wondered if I could take that hill again. Today when I got to the top of the hill, I thought about that girl that once was. She couldn’t have done it. She wouldn’t have tried once, let alone three times.
The hike in itself was peaceful. As I got close to the top of the hill, three deer ran in front of me. One stopped and looked at me as if asking what I was doing there.
It was so quite that as I stood there, I heard the wings of a crow as it flew above my head.
The hike was therapeutic for me in many ways and I am glad I went.