I am no better than anyone and yet no body is better than me. We all have our talents, strengths and weaknesses. Yet, I have always seen myself as inferior.
I am a party animal, in the confines of my own home, I sing loudly and dance around, get me out in public and that would never happen.
It makes me uncomfortable when people put me on the spot. Just today we were discussing rearranging our work schedule and the lady I was speaking with said “I want you on my shift”. Instantly panic formed. I work a shift alone. She has been there for a while. What if we can’t be confined for 12 hours together. What if, what if, what if….. It isn’t even for sure it is going to happen and yet the what ifs are forming. I choke on the what ifs.
I love being outdoors. I long to be out in nature. This is pretty new for me as I got this girlish figure (insert sarcasm here) by being a couch potato. After a long work week, I want to be outside on my short week. I want to hike trails, look at water. It has been a pretty stressful week and that makes me long to be there more. I want to disconnect to reconnect.
Being around large groups of people drains me. Being around the right people, it awakens my soul. I can be exactly who I am, my awkward, stammering self.
I am very self conscious of my appearance. I want to be the best version of me that I can be while realizing that we are not all a size 2, some of us are a 22. It is difficult not to compare yourself to “ideal women” and realize that to someone, you are the ideal woman. You just need to hear the words.
I am glad that thought bubbles don’t appear over your head. That could be both good and bad. There are times the filter kicks in and the words don’t come out, there are times it doesn’t but my face always tells the tale.
There are times when I want to throw caution to the wind and do those things I want to do. As with most introverts, I have a rich inner world where I am bold and I take him by his face a kiss him until he forgets his own name. I want to go for a moonlight swim with him and see him in the moonlight with that look of desire shining on my face. I would never say that out loud.
These are the things I think about but fear steps in and insecurity tells me that there is no way he could want me. I want him to look at me with that longing in his eyes that I feel every time I see him. I would like for him to do a photo session with me to see how he sees me. I would like to see myself through his eyes, not through the eyes of my worst critic which is me.
I find his intelligence so frikkin sexy. When he talks about those things he is passionate about, it takes my breath away and I want to just….never mind. And to be perfectly, he is as handsome as they come. I look at him and I turn my head and remind myself to breathe.
Those are some of those things I never say.