Trusting the Process is Difficult…

I sit here in the afternoon when I should be sleeping. I work night shift. One week I work five days, the next week I work two days.  This is the long week.

My body is so screwed up because sometimes you eat during daylight hours but when you are working, supper time is breakfast in your world, breakfast time for the rest of the world, would be your supper time but you are going home and straight to bed so you don’t eat. Then you wake up starved. Right now as I am writing this, there is a cup of chicken broth and another cup of hot tea sitting beside me.

Sleep has not come easy today. I slept last night up until mid morning and I have a lot on my mind.

I have to start getting  ready for work in two hours so, I work on cleaning my house.

My house at current is as messy as my mind. They say (whoever they are) that your surroundings reflect how you feel on the inside. I can see that. As of late, my house is terrible. More so than usual. For the last couple of weeks my focus has been zero.

I am working on that. Just this morning, I started going through some books. I set my timer on my phone and began the quick sort, you know, looking at it saying “I am never going to read this, there might be someone somewhere who could read it, so I will pass it along”.

I am trying to deal with how things are affecting people that I love. My niece is having anxiety attacks. My nephew can be in the middle of a sentence and go into a blind stare because he has so much on his mind. My nieces husband is beating himself up because he realizes his actions in the past have had the same effect on people.

My dad is barking orders like the foreman he is. My mom is going to worry herself into another stroke. And here I sit, trying to help everyone else, silent for the most part, trying not to aggravate my person (the one person I have confided in), he has been right by my side through more things than I care to mention. He is amazing. He lets me talk it out until he feels like he should interject. He knows that I am thinking while I am talking that I am trying to manage my own anxiety and keep everyone else well.

All I want to do is be around him and water. He allows me to talk and gives me his take on things, he allows me to feel what I feel. Water refreshes my soul. The last two times we have been anywhere, I   have wound up at water. I finally told him yesterday that water brings me back to center when I am overwhelmed.

I know that things will work out, they always have. There is a process in life, controlled by someone much bigger than you or I, as a person of faith I know this. As a human made of flesh and bone, you want to do something when there is nothing you can do. This is happening around you and it bleeds over into your life. It does have bearing on your life and it is up to you to trust the process, sometimes though, that is not easy.

Here is what I am currently focusing on…..

The person who makes my heart smile.

The friends who are checking on me every day to make sure I am okay.

Eating balanced meals.

Resting when I can.

Decluttering my mind and my house.

I am working on setting up a studio space in my house, which is something I have wanted for a long time.

And learning to trust the process.


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