Ever since….

A great number of these posts start out with no title because there are so many things roaming around in my mind and I am not sure where  I will arrive until  I get to the end. This is one of those post….I will have to work through it and see where we land. Here we go….

I am a middle aged woman, I am not a size two, I don’t have an exotic look that so many men find attractive. To most of the world, I can be one of many women. I am average.

Or so they think….

I have battled weight issues for 38 years. It started 38 years ago yesterday, the night my grandmother died. I was her favorite grandchild, I  will freely admit that. She let me get by with more than the others. I think maybe somehow she sensed that my life would not be easy once she left so she tried to make the most of the time we had together. She was diabetic. She finally died of a stroke at the age of 55. My dad woke us up in the middle of the night and told us. His exact words, as he is not one to mince words was”Your grandma died”. I remember asking which one. That is the last thing I remember. Everything including her funeral and burial, I blocked out.

You can look at my 5th grade picture and my 6th grade picture and see the change. I was eating to fill a void. I know this and yet during times of stress I will either eat everything in sight or eat nothing. There is no in between.

Having said all this, I am now for the most part comfortable in the skin I wear. I have bulges and bumps. I have fat. I have cellulite. Whatever you want to call it I have it.

It will never completely go away. If I live on lettuce and water, it will never completely go away for genetics are powerful. Large women existed on both sides of my family.

I am a woman, I carry my weight in my belly, my butt and my thighs. It doesn’t leave simply because I do not like it, so I have had to learn to like it. I am not settling, I want to be the best I can be, I have been outside exercising more in the past five years that I have in my life.

I am the woman who was married to a sick man for 10 out of 18 years of marriage. He was very mild mannered most of the time and I spent all my time fighting for him and his needs. I had to be tough, so much so that I kind of lost myself in the process. It took me a very long time to find myself.

When he transitioned, I was lost. Not so lonely as lost. Maybe some of both. I was 43, I had no clue who I was, my brain was telling me to look in the mirror;. Nobody would ever think you were attractive, nobody would ever love, desire  or want you. I stayed in a job where I was miserable just to have a place to go to every day. Nobody needed me, I had no children, no husband, what would it matter.  I had lost my passion for life. One day, I made a decision. The pain needed to stop. I knew how also but one person stopped what could have been a lethal decision. One person and eight words, I hope he still feels that way but I don’t know.  For a long time, I told nobody. I was ashamed that I had let my life get to that point.

Now at the age of 48, I finally found my voice. I finally found my courage. I found that there are still passions to be ignited in my life.

I learn new things all the time, I am finding it fun to try new things and  I feel more brave than I have in my life. I want to make all the memories I can while I can.

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I was putting on a uniform. I did something that I don’t do often, I looked at me in a semi-dressed condition.

I had on my favorite bra and panties. My hair which is finally growing back out after years of having it cut short so I didn’t have to worry about it had that sex kitten look to it, you know, how you work really hard to make it look like you didn’t  and my make up looked good. I liked what I saw. I saw a woman who is sexy, yes sexy, passionate, and braver because of what she has endured. I DID NOT see average.  It has taken me a lifetime to like this person.

Maybe one day he will look at me and forget to breathe.I hope someday he wants to run his fingers through my hair and smudge my lipstick. Initiating that, well…. I can’t do that, I am  not that brave yet, so I sit and think about what it would be like.

I sit here, in my uniform with all these thoughts in my brain, coming from a statement I made today. There was no comment in return. I honestly don’t even know why I said it, I was comfortable with him and it just kind of slipped out. This whole post came from the sentence…”My grandma has been dead 38 years yesterday and I have been battling my weight issue ever since.”


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