Patterns of Randomness…

My job can be stressful. Right at the moment, my life is stressful. This doesn’t make for a good combo.

My appetite is suffering, my sleep is not restful, I can’t focus on doing what I need to do. I am sort of stumbling through right at the moment.

I am working my long week  and although my mind is completely somewhere else, I can’t let on. I have to be fully present when that phone rings. I can’t let on that there is anything going on in my world. It hasn’t helped that due to a snow storm, I have had to depend on other people to help me get to work and to get home. I don’t like not doing some things for myself.

I am making phone calls to family members and tonight, the one we are worried most about told me, don’t you worry about me, you take care of the county.

Tonight, it hit me pretty hard. It is one of those nights that I would have liked to been alone with my thoughts but the guys seemed to need to hang around the office.

I need to get a hold of myself. I am starting to feel some of those physical cues that tell me that I am not emotionally well.

My neck is stiff, my shoulder is aching, I have a tick that I get when I am stressed. I am waking more tired than when I go to bed. These are just some of my tells.

I am more quite than usual. I am afraid the shutdown is beginning. One of the guys has noticed and mentioned it, I just blew it off.

I know things will get better. I also know it will be an uphill climb. There are some pretty steep hurdles to be crossed in the next few days.  I need to stay strong for everyone else for a while longer then I can worry about myself again.

Tonight, when I finally got a while to myself, I did one of those adult coloring sheets. I turned on some soothing music and just started in the middle of the page and not looking at the color of pencil I was picking, I just focused on the pattern on the page. Several hours later as I added the last color, I looked at the image. The randomness of the colors in the pattern printed on the page turned out rather pretty. I even took a photo of it to play with.

Maybe my mind just needed a little R and R. Maybe my spirit needed to focus on the pattern and allow chance to fill in the color but in the end, it was beautiful.

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