I Guess I am an Paradox….

There are moments when I feel totally invisible and unimportant. Then, there are those moments that I realize I do make a difference in my little corner of the world.

I send flowers to brighten the day of others and even order flowers for my guys wives when they have forgotten anniversaries or birthdays. Yet, I never receive flowers.

I tell others that they are beautiful, lovely souls and that they are important, yet I don’t hear those words myself very often.

Today, I knew it was going to be a rough shift at work. I woke up early with that feeling. I just laid in bed willing myself to relax and prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for what was to come. I listened to classical music, then my favorite piece came on Canon in D by Pachelbel.

I paid close attention to the instruments and how they came into the piece. As I lay there, I heard the raspy sounds of the harpsichord at the beginning. No other instruments just the harpsichord. Next the deep bass of the oboe or bassoon joined; followed by the lightness of the string and wind instruments.

I noticed that my breathing changed as I listened to the music. I listened to rhythmic melody. I felt my body relaxing, as if almost melting into the bed. I felt it in my flesh as it rose to its crescendo then felt sad as it was fading away until it was barely audible only like the phoenix, to rise again even higher.

After I got up from my rest, I got my new tea cup and had me a nice cup of cinnamon tea. This is the first “Tea” cup, I have ever owned. Until now, I hadn’t really been a  fan of hot tea. I am more of a coffee gal.

Then I suited up to go in to work. I got to town early and I went to see my daddy. I don’t get to see him much this time of the year. He is busy working.  I have to make time to see him. It is important that I see him. One, I have to make sure he is taking care of himself and eating while working and two, he was, after all, the first man I ever loved. Sometimes you just need to have his outlook on life. You just need to be reminded that you are not alone even when you sometimes feel like it.

SO…. the lady who was listening to classical music and drinking from a tea cup earlier in the day, was now wearing a uniform, red cowboy boots and riding through a pine field in a pickup truck. Another twist, I didn’t know when I woke up that I would need this time alone with my dad.

After I left my dad, I went and got something to eat and brought it to work with me. I didn’t need to be around people today. I wasn’t chatty. I just needed my dad for a while.

My instincts were true to form. It was one of the roughest nights I have had at work. I made it through though. I didn’t handle it perfectly but I handled it. I didn’t freak out when faced with new challenges, I stepped up and did what needed to be done.

I got to see my little friend Ben. Ben is autistic and I have some great conversations with Ben. His mind amazes me. He even offered to buy me a soda tonight. That made me smile just a little bit.

In a short while, I will go back and I will lay back down in my bed and I will sleep soundly knowing I did the best I could. I know my dad is proud of me although he had his doubts when I changed jobs,  and that Ben was glad to see me; indeed, this shift is one I can sleep well with. Although, I have been informed not to wear my red boots anymore. “They only cause trouble”

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