It Hit Me Like A Freight Train…

Being a woman of a certain age, you somewhat adjust to what is happening to you. Things are changing. You are changing. Your child bearing years are coming to an end; thus it is called “The Change” da da daaaaa…. insert dramatic music.

You get used to not having a menstrual cycle. You kind of like not having cramps every month. You chocolate consumption will increase along with ice cream, chocolate cover ice cream I am sure has saved many lives.

You can lotion dry skin, you can cover gray hair, if you have the money you can tuck, lift or have your fat sucked out.

You know parts of you are going to spread and settle, it is going to happen, gravity is a thing.

You know all this, the thing that gets you though at least it gets me is the emotional changes. You feel like you live in an emotional glass house in the middle of a gravel pit. One small pebble can shatter the entire thing.

This happened to me yesterday. It was one of those days when only one person could console me and it wasn’t possible. So I cried. I went shopping and didn’t even make it in the store, I went bowling and cried both  games. It didn’t help that the bowling lanes were in terrible shape and I had to be moved three times. Even the freaking bowling lanes hate me today.

I really didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to be at home. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I felt ugly. I felt fat. I felt unlovable; yet felt numb.   I made myself stay out of bed because I could have laid there and cried all day. That was absolutely not an option. So, I made myself do something, anything, just to put one foot in front of the other.

I didn’t want to be alone and it was like I had totally fallen off the Earth.

So I did what I do, I went home and grabbed my camera and decided to do one of those things that calm my soul. I went to take photos of sunsets.

I am working on some new skills and this was a good chance to work on that. I thought I would have  sunset rock to myself, I had been by myself all day, no need to change things now and there were probably 15 people there. So, I slipped totally unseen which fit into the feeling of invisibility of I had for a couple days and snap some shots. I slip away from the group of chatty folk, which were talking and all I heard was blah, blah, blah and get into my car and go somewhere and sit on a rock wall at a place where others were not. This made me feel better and I even went and showed off how well some of the photos turned out.

The little piece of gravel had shattered the house. It wasn’t anything I could put my finger on. It was just  one of those days. Looking at the calendar, I knew what it should have been time for, it just isn’t coming regular now.

The feeling is gone today. I slept all day. I was emotionally depleted. My niece texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to do lunch. I did manage to get that accomplished. My second sleep after lunch did me more good than the restless sleep I had last night and earlier in the day. As a matter of fact, I was resting so well that I overslept.

The panes of glass in the house may shatter, it is up to you to rebuild it, you try even try to reinforce it so that when it hits again like a freight train at full speed, you may be better prepared.

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