I often find myself swimming in the sea of mediocrity.
I know when this swim started. It was when I apologized to a group of people I felt I had let down and only a couple of people even let on like I had said a word. Why did I even bother?? I never let on like it bothered me. Why should I?
I often find me comparing myself to others. My family, my person, my friends and I always seem to feel like I come up lacking.
In my family, I am the only one childless. I have gotten used to this fact. I accepted it a long time ago but still, I wonder what it would have been like to bring another human being into the world. In my current state of being, I am thankful that I never had children to have to raise on my own.
My person is so smart. He is a freaking genius. He is uber creative. I try to explain something to him and half way through the little person living in my brain is like “SHUT UP”!!! I, however, continue to babble, taking the longest way around any given subject as possible and he patiently listens. He then responds and makes me think about things differently.
He gives me new experiences. He takes me to places and we do things that I have never done before. Like yesterday, went into a shop that sold flavor infused olive oil and vinaigrette. We sampled the different flavors and he talked to the young woman in the shop about how the flavors could be used in different ways. Not being a gourmet cook, I didn’t have much to add to the conversation. Still, I had a blast. I have never wandered too far from my comfort zone and home. So having adventures and trying new things are way up there on my list.
I see the projects he works on and my jaw just drops. As much as I study and I try, I will never be able to do what he does so I just sit over here in the corner playing with glue.
I look at him and I forget to breathe. Yes, honestly, I have to say breathe every time I see him, I have told him before and still after all this time, he takes my breath away. I wonder why someone like him wants to spend time with someone like me. What does he see that I don’t??
I am not drop dead gorgeous nor am I hideous. I am average.
Here are somethings that I have noticed just today. I make some pretty cool stuff. Not as intricate as what my person does, but not bad for someone who struggles to call themselves an artist. Actually, some of the stuff I have made tonight is pretty dang cool. I am even branching out and doing new things and I am kind of proud of them. I think they will sell pretty quickly.
I also noticed that although I struggle with my weight, when I looked in the mirror today, I didn’t see the fat girl anymore. I ain’t half bad for an old gal, shoot, some days I am down right cute. I cut a good figure in my uniform and the pants make my butt look good, so there.
Sometimes you have to swim in the sea of mediocrity to realize that you are worth a little more than you thought. You have to struggle with you plainness to see how exceptional you can be.
The negative committee in your head is just your insecurities coming to the surface like sharks circling as you are swimming with all your might. The cool thing is that if you just be still, you don’t give credence to them, they will slip away just as quietly as the appeared.