I Needed to BE STILL…

I have about 3 blog post bouncing around in my head. They may fuse together or there may be rapid fire typing of posts this evening, time will tell.

The current thought at the forefront of my mind is something that happened Saturday.

It involves my family, I needed time to figure how what or if I should do anything.

There are a handful of people on this planet that you don’t hurt, mess with or make cry.

They are my person, my best friend and MY MOM…

Now, if you have been following this post very long you know my mom had a stroke about 6 months ago. There was no physical damage and not a great deal of mental damage. There are just some dots that take longer to connect quickly and if you are patient with her, they do connect.

She has been talking lately about when”she is not around”. When I’m not here you all will have a mess to clean up. When I am not here, nobody will decorate your grandparents graves.  When I am not here….. I know where  her thinking is going. Her time here is limited. Nobody has an expiration date stamped on their foot.

She is talking more about the was than the what will be. She talks about growing up with a drunken father and a mother who was so insecure that she spaced her children out so that he “would stay”. The same woman who would beat the crap out of her husband if he threatened her children. Ironically, she died from a stroke just before the final child turned 18.

Since the stroke my sister doesn’t take my mom anywhere. I think it is out of fear that something will happen and never having to deal with catastrophic sicknesses before she doesn’t know what to do.

My mom doesn’t understand that. Well, Saturday one of the little ones had something big going on and my mom was not asked to go.

She asked me some tough questions and she was hurt. So much so that when she called me I could tell that something was awry.

I didn’t know what it was until I got to her house and she got to talking. Of course my first thought was to go and give my sister a firm talking to, I even went past her house. She wasn’t home.

On Sunday my person and I went for a ride. He knew something was bothering me and I wasn’t sure how to talk about it yet without sounding mean. I may have come across short to him it was just that I was trying to deal with this. I know he would have listened to what was bothering me, I just didn’t know how to put words to it.

It was better to say yes there’s something but I don’t know how to talk about it right now. Now of course, I am ready to talk about it and he isn’t here in person to talk to.

So after I dropped him off after our ride, I went once again to speak with my sister. Once again, I was cut off. A 5 year old  needed to play outside in the yard.

So I still haven’t had that talk. Maybe I don’t need to. It isn’t my battle. My mom will at some point stand up for herself. We are much alike in that way. We will take and take until we blow up.

Maybe for once instead of blowing my stack and making bad matters worse, I should just be still.

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