I sit here and my mind is all ago. Today before work, I slept hard. My brain and my body needed the rest I was giving it. Slept all night last night and a good portion of the day in fact.
I have a great deal on my mind at all times. I don’t discuss everything going on in here for I fear it would overwhelm the person trying to listen to it.
My thoughts bounce around so much that I have to literally tell myself to focus when I want to complete a single task. My brain is on what I need to do for work, my person, my family, my friends, my community, my county, my place in the world, what I need to do to get this jewelry site up and running. I wonder what it will do.
Will it be a success? Will it be yet another epic fail? I have no clue, all I can do is put it out there.
Tonight the assigned task was to write in my journal and learn more about how to set up the store.
I wrote some in the journal, watched a youtube video and took yet more notes and now here I am…writing a blog post.
I struggle with putting the things I see, feel, make and photograph out there for the masses to see. I guess it is a fear of being judged. I have been judged very harshly in my lifetime by people who just looked at me on the outside (remember the fat girl here) and didn’t take time to get to know the real me.
I worry about things I have no control over. As a person of faith, there is a constant battle between the faith in my heart and the fear in my head.
Yet, I still worry. I worry that I fail those I love on a regular basis.
It is essential to my health and well being to be learning something new all the time. I don’t want to stagnate. I know people who have been stuck in the same rut for so long it has become their address. I don’t want that to happen to me.
I lived indoors for basically 18 and 1/2 years and at that time it was fine. I loved who I was with and we were content being indoorsy.
When that chapter of my life ended, I had to find something new. It started with me walking so I didn’t have to go home to an empty house. Then I wanted to walk in different places and I saw new things and I became curious. I am a flipping google queen.
I wanted to know more about what I was seeing.
One day I picked up a camera and that started a fire in me.
But than as now, I was hesitant to let the world see what I was seeing. My person wore himself ragged trying to get me to show them to someone besides him. Finally, I did.
The same with this blog. He knew I had to write in my journal and we would have conversations and he would say things like “If you are feeling this way, don’t you think other people might be also”?
I hadn’t really thought about it but maybe. So once again, the gentle coaxing began again. Try it and see what happens. And here I am today, sharing whatever rambling thoughts are bouncing around this day with you all.
It might be about the jewelry, photography, my person, family or friends.
It could be about the feelings I have ranging from worry, fear and anxiety to joy, happiness and love.
There is a great deal of thinking going on in here and sometimes, it carries over to where it seeps into my subconscious. Kind of like the dream I had today, I won’t go into the details but it was ummm…. interesting, to say the least. It was very out of character for me. Upon awaking I was kind of shocked at myself. Not really sure where it came from but oh well it was a lot of fun and I did wake up smiling.