I Have To Speak UP….

I wanted one thing in particular for my birthday. It wasn’t huge. It wasn’t expensive. It was just something I wanted to do.

I wanted to go see the movie Captain America: Civil War …..with him.

I hinted at it very strongly. I just didn’t ask. I tried to 3 times, twice in person and once in writing. Each and every time, I allowed me to talk myself out of it.

I was afraid to ask, fearing he would tell me no, so I just said nothing.

Yesterday, we spent time together. He asked if I had had a good birthday and I told him I just wanted to do one thing and it didn’t happen. He asked what it was and I said I doesn’t matter.

At that point I became so frustrated with myself that I went off on me. I said Yes, it does matter. I wanted to go see a movie…..WITH YOU!!!

It sounded harsh and it was, although the harshness was not directed at him, it was directed at myself.

I regret that I did not ask. He might have said yes, he might have said no. By the time I grew a set and said what I wanted, the chance to do that thing I wanted to do had slipped away and it is my burden to carry, simply because I couldn’t find the nerve to voice my desires.

It was a great evening but I will always wonder what if….

That is something I said I would never do, oh wells instead of what ifs.

I have to learn to speak, as far as I know, he isn’t a mind reader.

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