And That’s When It Happened…

Last week was hard. It was my long week at work, I had something I had to deal with on Thursday, I got sick (a lot of which I can blame on myself) and I was isolated for the most part.

Being an ambivert, the introverted side needs time alone; the extroverted side of me needs social interaction. It is a tight rope over a flaming pit filled with angry crocodiles.

Last week I fell into the pit.

I would work alone, come home and sleep alone, wake up and go eat dinner alone.

After the spell I had on Thursday night which basically lasted until Saturday evening, I was fighting for my life. I had to get out of the pit. I needed to figure out what was bothering me.

I couldn’t even work on my jewelry. I was creatively constipated. Nothing was working when I pieced it together. I couldn’t be happy about the fact that I am getting ready to launch an online store. At that point I was questioning why I was even doing it.

I would sit and stare at 5 computer screens at work and sleep at home. There was no in between.

I didn’t ask for help, I had allowed myself to fall into this pit, I needed to get myself out.

So I pull out my ever present journal and I began to write.

I wrote about how I felt invisible, how if I had died on Thursday night that it would have been Friday afternoon before anyone even realized it.

I did some serious brain dumping. Then I wrote down the core of what was bothering me. As tears streamed down my face in this room where I sat alone, I wrote the words, I was lonely. I needed social interaction. I desired to be held. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me I was going to be fine, I was just overwhelmed.

It could have been the fact that I had felt so bad. It could be that my cousin who passed away from leukemia the one who was my birthday twin (there was only 5 days between us) would not be here this year for me to text, there  would be no video sent from her family this year, there would not be the in between our birthdays phone call. There would be a void. It might be the fact that I am facing another birthday. It could be that I am fixing to launch.

Maybe it was the fact that I had the thought that I might not make my birthday this year.

I am not sure how it crept into me but it was there and it was valid. So once I acknowledged it, the block was removed; not only from the jewelry making but from the blessings I had all around me.

I worked that night on my first piece of jewelry in several days. I ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a few months and they told me how much they missed me. I saw a lady who I knew from my previous job and she told me how much younger I looked.

Ironically, that same morning (afternoon for the rest of you) I had taken a selfie, just to make sure I really wasn’t as invisible as I felt.

Then before I went to work last night the little one ran up to me and told me she loved me and for me to have a good night at work.

Sometimes, you just need to be acknowledged. Sometimes, you need to acknowledge others, you don’t know when they are feeling invisible.

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