I noticed yesterday that I strolled. This may not seem like much but to me it shows where I am mindfully.
I remember a time where I walked to survive. I walked off 135 pounds just because I didn’t want to come home to an empty house. I would walk until it was so dark that I had to come home; physically exhausted so my mind would shut down.
Then walking became a way to cope with some things that I couldn’t deal with. I would walk and curse under my breath so I wouldn’t say what I was thinking. I should have just gone ahead and spoken my mind and set some healthy boundaries, instead of making my own existence miserable trying to make other people happy at my expense.
Now I am walking for the sheer joy of physical exercise. I am strolling. Just getting my steps in as I look at the world around me.
The music on my playlist is changing.
The songs that made me cry or displayed the anger are leaving. Songs that make me feel happy or by a group I enjoy or that display the words I can’t speak no matter how I try using my own voice , because I will surely muck it up, they now exist there. There is a saying, if you want to know where a woman’s mind is, listen to her playlist.
My energy is changing. I am able to devote more of my time to my projects. My talents are being used to progress my life rather than make others look good.
I am working on releasing things I have no control over. I can’t make people do what they don’t want to do. I can’t worry about what has happened in the past. I have to focus on this day forward.
I am happier with life in general. I find joy in the most ordinary of moments. Just sharing time with the one who holds my heart, my girls, my friends, my family, these are the best moments. Like this very evening, just milling about, my heart was so full that I burst into a grin that I couldn’t contain.
I am learning patience with myself. I am far from perfect. I am not a glamour girl but I am trying to improve every day by making little changes. I am funny and loving and I am doing the very best I can.
Time does change things. It turns grief to joy. It turns tears to laughter. It turns someone who makes one statement to you to someone you love.
If at this moment, things seem dark time will change things. I promise you I know what that feels like. At one point, I wanted to end it all and would have had it not have been for one person.
I can’t say it will happen today or soon. It has taken me five years and many leaps into the great unknown, luckily I had a safety net for many of them. I have an amazing support system, for that I am truly thankful.
If I never open my eye to see the mornings light, I will have had a fulfilling life.