I struggle with anxiety. It used to be when I was alone, now it when I am in a crowd.
It is not every crowd, it is just when I am out of my comfort zone. I can’t control it no matter how hard I try and it finally gets the better of me.
A friend had told me that I could come and set up and her bar and sell jewelry anytime I wanted to.
So yesterday I went. I don’t drink, a personal choice, I don’t hang out in bars another personal choice, but it was a chance to make back a little of the money I had invested in making the jewelry.
I went and I set everything up and I sat there. It was kind of dark and I was cold.
I had set an appointed time to leave, this would have been fine if I had listened to what I was telling myself. Did I?? NO!!! I stayed four more hours hoping to sell more jewelry.
There were a lot of people who looked and a few bought. Then there was the guy who came and looked and said well, I don’t have any women in my life, are you on Facebook? I gave him the link to the jewelry page and let it go at that.
When he walked away from my table, he still wasn’t going to have a woman in his life. I know the person my heart desires therefore, there is no need to look anyw ,here else.
As the drinking continued, the people got louder. Louder is what did me in. The DJ was setting up when I left. No more noise.
I live alone, I pretty much work alone, I can not do loud crowds by myself and sometimes I can’t do them with my own family with me.
As the noise level raised, the voice in my spirit was like you better go, you should really leave, sensing some unseen and probably nonexistent danger, the voice within shouted get out, get out now!!
So I packed up and came home, sort of, I stopped to see my niece and her family on my way home. I needed a safe place to transition. I needed a place where I could get my breath again.
It still bothered me last night, it bothered me today when I was trying to tell the one who holds my heart about it. We met up for a couple hours this evening and I was trying to tell him what I felt and it was hard for me to explain to even him. When I was telling him about it, my voice cracked when I told him that I had to get out before I melted down. I finally did that this evening. I had finally gotten tired enough.
Unless you struggle with anxiety you don’t realize what it is to be in a place and not be able to deal with it. You can’t stop what you are feeling, no matter how hard you want. It is going to happen. You just have to get in a place where if you melt down you are safe and alone. Being safe is of utmost importance. You mind can play some mean tricks on you.
You can’t make people understand what it is unless they deal with it. You don’t have a safe person with you exactly although a couple times my friend ran interference. You just have to deal with it regularly to understand it.
She told me I could come back anytime I wanted to. Will I?? Maybe yes, maybe no. I haven’t fully decided. I feel like I should to defeat this fear within me. I will set a time frame and I will stick with it. I will make sure I am in a better location so that I am not physically uncomfortable, this just adds to the lack of well being you are feeling in your mind.
I will adapt, that is what you do when you want to make something work, you make adjustments, you pull up your boot straps and learn from your mistakes.