Last night, I had a conversation with an old friend. I remember him when he was a snotty little kid sitting on my moms lap in Sunday School class, my late husband and I used to double date with him and his first wife, he was in my wedding, he was here when I needed help with stalkers after my husband passed away, now he is my boss.
We were talking about the job and he said he was the last person that my late husband trained that still worked there. He said he wished he was still there because he knew that job inside and out. He asked me if it bothered me working night shift? I said no, actually I sleep better during the day. He then asked an odd question Does it bother you to work in this room? Nope. Don’t even think about it.
He asked me how long it had been, I said almost 5 years. He said it doesn’t seem that long but then it seems like a lifetime ago. My reply it was a lifetime ago for me.
He talked about the person he knew, I said the person people seen in public was the person I lived with. In 18 and a half years, we didn’t have a cross word. You don’t see that anymore. He agreed.
When I told him that it was a lifetime ago, what I wanted to say was, I have grown so much in 5 years, probably more than I have in my life.
There are people who don’t understand that you move forward. You don’t get over it, to get around it, you create a new world, yes you can love someone new and I do, they are very different and I am/was attracted to them for different reasons.
You create YOUR life not OUR life.
You find that thing that makes you tick and you cling to it with all your might. You exist until you find that reason to live again. You have lots of lonely nights. You have a lot of if only questions. If only…..
You can’t dwell on the if only, you will drive yourself mad.
As the conversation went on, he talked about how many changes he has seen me go through, he told me that I look happy now. I said I am, it took me long enough to get here. I think I’ll stay a while.
We compared my FitBit to his Garmin, we were talking about how his current wife refuses to go to the doctor. I told him I understand that perfectly. I have seen too many people lives in doctors offices and their transition was long and drawn out. I even said if I was told I had cancer, I am not sure if I would seek treatment or not, I have just seen too much.
It was a nice chat. It made me laugh and it made me ponder. Sometimes you just need to chat with someone who has been a part of your whole story.