Working at night is actually a Godsend for me. I sleep much better and wake much more rested when I sleep during the day.
That being said, the nights when I am off are the longest nights. It is normal for me to physically exhaust myself so I can sleep.
On my nights off, I lay in my bed and I think. I overthink mostly. I think about something someone said, something I said or did that maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe sometimes I should just keep my thoughts to myself. I think about the things I desire and how sometimes they seem just out of my grasp. Then I think maybe I should just reach out a little further and the next chance I get, I once again come up lacking.
Tonight, I tried to lay down and I thought about a couple of jabs I have had in the last couple of days. I may flinch but you will never see me cry. I will cry alone in private but nope, nobody gets that. Like when someone said tonight, I would have asked you to sing with us but I didn’t see you. Hello, I am a big freaking target, you couldn’t have missed me but that’s okay you all did fine without me.
I am the kid who my dad used to tell me if you don’t quit crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. As an adult, I realized that I have a sensitive soul. I feel things more deeply than “normal” people. I don’t talk about my feeling to you unless you are very, very special to me and if I tell you what I am feeling, it should not be taken lightly.
For example, today my cousins husband was at church for his first Easter without her. She would have had a big family dinner and it would have been the perfect Martha Stewart/Paula Deen moment. Perfect meal on the perfect dishes. Sadly, I didn’t inherit that gene, I can do that, it’s just not worth it for me.
Sorry, I rambled off there….He was at church and people were making him feel worse trying to be kind to him. I watched as he struggled to hold back his tears. When everyone else had walked off. I took his hand and I said “It is just another first, you have made it through another first”. He said Thanks, they don’t know they have never been there. You have. Yet I cried for him when I was alone. Yes, I know what it is like, I used to say I wanted to punch people in the throat to make them stop talking at me. They had no clue how helpless I felt and they kept talking.
At nights I will work on something as long as I can even remotely keep my eyes open. I will be working a project looking at it through the slits in my eyes.
Tonight I am working on photographing the jewelry I make, I am retaking some of the shots I have already shown to my person, I want them to be perfect, they represent what I do, one of the things I am passionate about.
Just like the photography, this skill slipped up on my and I was kind of taken by surprise when it happened. I do however want to make a go of it. I would be honored to see people wear my jewelry.
So I will work, I will at some point drop off into sleep, I may wake up in the middle of the night with words burning in my head and need to write them down on the notebook I keep laying on my bed, just like I did last night…..
“Kiss Me Goodnight,
Kiss Me Like It Is Forever,
Kiss Me Like I Have Never Been Kissed Before,
Just Grab Me, Hold Me And Kiss Me”