Today they will put my cousins Earthly remains in the ground. I will not be able to attend. Due to the change in jobs, I don’t have the time to take off to go. I will actually be sleeping when they are having her service. I worked last night and I work tonight.
I feel like she passed by as her spirit was leaving and I felt it in a very physical way.
I have dealt with that reality, that I won’t be there, not that my presence is required. I can’t look at her husband and say I know exactly how you feel because I don’t. He has 6 children to continue to raise, at this point alone.
I had no children so I had the freedom to hide, to run, to go into a mountain and scream until I didn’t have anything else in me. Luckily, someone came along and showed me that I had so much to live for because at one point, I intended to end it.
I have tried to avoid closing up as I have lost two cousins in as many months.I don’t talk about it much and when I do, it is to my person. I did run away from home the day it happened.
I have only really talked about how it is effecting me to my person.
My parents are both keeping a close check on me.
They are unable to go because of my moms health. Both my aunts are unable to go due to health issues. One has been to the hospital 4 times since she got the news.
What I have noticed about myself is that when this happens, I question am I living a happy life. I surround myself with those whom I love, I laugh a little louder and I love a little harder. This may sound bizarre to most but here is why I do this….some day it will be my turn. The last heart beat will come, the last breath will escape my lips, it is a fact.When that day comes, I want people to say she didn’t just survive, she lived, she thrived.
So if you are grieving, do it the way you do it. It is different for everyone. Spend time with that person you love, go into the woods and see amazing things, go and listen to running water. Whatever you need to do to soothe you soul, it has to be right for you.