I Keep Two Sets of Books…

I have two sets of books. Hold on, before you call the IRS and turn me in, I am not talking business, I am talking journals.

I love writing in my journals. They help me come into myself and figure out my life. I write about what I am feeling and then I go back and read what I have written in almost a meditative state and figure out how my life is going when I am not overthinking things. Not that I would overthink things….NEVER….okay maybe, a little bit, ALL THE TIME.

There was a time a while back that I could not journal constructively. It was full of depression, anger, the feeling of never being enough for anybody and feeling slightly more than underwhelmed with myself. I was so beat down I had to look up to see dirt.

I couldn’t get past how others were making me feel about myself and what they saw as shortcomings to see what was going so well in my life. And there is a great deal of good going on here.

I was focusing on the negative.

My writings in my daily journal have changed. They are full of hope and excitement. They are stories of love, life and learning. They contain the new challenges I am facing and how I am dealing with adjustments of my new role in life. I seem to be better able to articulate myself during night hours. With the job I have now, I have more time to write and being on night shift, it all works out.

I also have another journal… of sorts….

Only one person knows that it exist. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to describe what is in it so I am not giving away all my secrets. A girl has to have a few secrets, you know.

My person knows it exist, he doesn’t however know what it looks like or what is in it. He may have some idea but he has never read a word of it. Someday, maybe, just not today.

These are the writings that I put down when I am escaping what most would consider to be a hum drum life. When I let my mind roam free and I am simply a vessel that allows the things I see in my mind to come through on paper. These things can get very interesting at times and honestly it surprises me.

There is no and I mean no negativity in these writings. Some would be surprised should they ever read it, others maybe not so much. I don’t know and I am at that age where what most people think of me, well, you see things they way you want to see them I guess.

So for now, I keep two sets of books; one reality the other I don’t want to use the word fantasy but for now, I guess that would be the general  classification.


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