Insecurity is Global…

After the day I had yesterday, I had one more day of class.

My plan last night was to sleep. I did for about 30 minutes then my mom called. I am one of these people that when I am awake, I am full on awake. So, in the wee hours of the morning I was still on a couple social media sites. It is what it is.

So, not only have I changed jobs so has my best friend. I at one point asked her if we were going through some mid life crisis, she said nope, we are eternally 29, no mid life crisis for us.

Well, I told her to call me when she got off from work and if I was awake, we could talk. We hadn’t had much time to talk this week since I have been on the road so much.

I asked her how she liked it and she said that there was so much more to it than she thought, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, those words came rolling out my own face only hours earlier.

I reminded her that we had this and that there was no turning back for either one of us. That what were experiencing was growing pains. I am really good at giving advice to other people. DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO.

So this morning, I get up determined to take one hurdle at the time not look around the track and try to figure out how leap the hurdle at the 400 meter mark when I have cleared the one at 100 meters.

Get through the class, on little sleep.

I get up, get to work early, transport everything from my car to the car I will be driving and wait for my co-worker.

We get to class early enough to talk to the instructor about why we can’t test, which I want to do as soon as I can.

Class starts. The first question he asks is who is willing to try to enter this information without knowing anything about it. A dead silence falls over the room. I look at the cocky rookies (we are all rookies in this group, it is just are rookies in different departments and divisions)  who had been preening all week. One is on his phone, one is getting a dip and the third is staring at his highlighter as if contemplating its actual existence.

No one in the room is making eye contact with the instructor. For some unfathomable reason, I jump up and said ah, I’ll do it. He asked me if I had ever done it before or seen it done before. My response was Nope.

He told the class to give me the information to enter into the fields. They wouldn’t do that either. They didn’t trust themselves to sit in a group and speak up. I was up in front of the class entering information like crazy, this is what I wanted although it was only one entry, I could get my hands on it and DO it. He asked if I had  everything, I said I guess; after all, I didn’t know what I was doing for sure. He hold me to see what happened and I got an error message, just like he knew I would. He had set me up to fail, not to be mean but to teach us all something. I am okay with that.

It was interesting to see how others would not participate due to feeling exposed as not knowing it all. Well, I know I don’t and I am willing to learn and fail so others can learn as well.

Later in his talk he gave an example where his wife was missing one of which was she was kidnapped. He said should this ever happen she better have been kidnapped. He was just joking but for a brief second, but for a brief moment, I saw a glint of insecurity in his eyes. As if for a moment he wondered…

I don’t know why he would be insecure. He is a nice looking guy, not exactly my type but he was attractive, well mannered, well dressed, personable yet beneath this armor there was a little of insecurity.

As I got back, I turned on there radio and there was a lady talking. Normally, I would have turned it but I was coming straight home. She was talking about women in particular and how the devil uses insecurity to keep us upset. When we compare ourselves to others or set our own hurdles too high that is when insecurity comes into play.

It is universal. We all feel it, I am just more verbal when I feel it which helps me to process it better. I have also realized that when I face it head on and feel what I feel, react the way I am going to react, I get stronger. I take its power.


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