I have been taking classes on a very tricky subject for three days.
Three days of 6 Fifty minute sessions of throwing rule and regulations at you. Making notes in the manual and in notebooks, a different notebook for each part of the class.
The first two sessions were the intro. Now we get down to the nitty gritty.
Yesterday, I felt good. I went out and did some photos; today, I am wondering if I can cut the mustard.
After hearing all the you can do this, you can’t do that, the if in doubt don’ts. After the classes are over tomorrow, then comes the testing phase. I am a hands on, learn by doing kind of person. There is none of that here.
My co-worker slept the whole way home, I had nobody to talk to and I began thinking. I got into my own head and the doubts came creeping in.
I know better than to do that. A small seed gets in there and that crappy thinking thing that happens fertilizes it and suddenly it is like the beanstalk in Jack and the Beanstalk. Suddenly, as if magic it grows rather quickly.
I was meeting my person for coffee and when he came in and sat across the way from me. Not sure why but he did. The music was so loud I could barely hear him. I felt like i was yelling. Suddenly, the tears came.
I got so angry with myself for crying. I wanted to tell him it was going great and it is, I am just tired and putting extra pressure on myself. I know the material, I just have that little nagging doubt. Just like everything else, I just have deal with it the way I do. It is part of who I am and no matter how much I try to change it, it is there. I have always done this with big things happening in my life. Any big project I have taken on has followed this pattern, it is just that now I notice it…after it was pointed out to me. I was always the kid who dreaded everything, even fun things like field trips.
I will finish the class, I will take the test, I will pass the test. I know I will be fine. I just needed to get through this phase. It is part of how I operate, how I am hardwired. I would like to be that woman that other women envy for how they handle tough stuff but I have moments when I break.
The secret is not to break down, the secret is to get back up. Fall down seven times, get back up eight.
I know I am taking steps that are good for me, for my future. I had to make a decision for me and life is never easy if it doesn’t scare you, you don’t want it bad enough.
As we were getting ready to part, I told him I was tired. He said he knew that something was wrong that I wasn’t myself. I was too quite.
As we were getting in our cars reached out to hug him. I told him I needed that. Honestly I did. Now to complete this task and move on to the next.
Onward and Upward!!!