Fortitude…

This week is going to drain the life right out of me. I am going to be the most educated idiot I know.

I have 4 days of classes, two hours from home.Equating to a 12 hour day.  I have to work 3 twelve hours shifts with a different class thrown in the mix.

It is going to take intestinal fortitude.

Why am I doing this? Because I decided to pull myself out of the rut I have been in for way too long. People were shocked when I left 12 years of employment at the age of 47 to begin a new career. People have actually told me that they are angry. Others have told me how happy I look.

Why did I do it? For several reasons….

I had been taken advantage of for so long that I was made to feel like I owed people something for letting me work for them. I was made to feel like I could be replaced at any time. My talents were exploited beyond belief.

I needed to find me again. I was so busy keeping everyone else so happy, I was miserable. So, I just decided to take off in search of me. I didn’t have to look far. People were pursuing me as soon as they found out I wanted a change. I had just been afraid to take that first step toward myself.

I want to use every talent I have up before I leave here, but on my own terms, not others whims.  We will all leave here some day. I know I have more days behind me than I do in front of me

. I know that I am not drop dead gorgeous. I am pretty dang plain. Nobody ever tells me that I am beautiful. If they did I would probably faint.  I am getting wrinkles but luckily when I look into the mirror I see laugh lines; which means I have had more good days than bad. My wisdom highlights are routinely covered up. Don’t want to appear that wise.

I know that there are three little girls who when I walk into their home, run to see me. I want them to see what a strong woman is. They don’t need to know that sometimes when I am alone I cry. I make very sure not to cry in front of them.

I want them to know that dreaming is wonderful but working you ass off to get to where you want to be is better. Dig for what you want. Don’t ever settle; in careers, in love, in life. Settling is not an option. You want it, you go for it, you give it your all.

I want to leave a legacy for them. I want to leave beautiful things that will live far beyond the day that my feet no longer walk this Earthly soil.

I know my body will wear out and to some, it may look like I am trying to wear it out even more quickly with some of the things I do. I’m not. I am just doing me. I am just being that person I want to be.

It takes fortitude to take that leap, to say those words you want to say to the person you love most, to know that you may fail or be rejected or not heard or acknowledged.

I will die trying.

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