I am starting this post with no title. Four tabs are open on my computer screen. My favorite britcom is the background noise for this post. The only light in the room is a dimly lit lamp sitting atop a china cabinet that belonged to my maternal grandmother.
I know this post will lead somewhere, just at the moment, I am not exactly sure where it will go or why it will go there.
It is one of the most interesting times in my life. I have eliminated the one thing that was crushing my spirit and not allowing me to have peace and balance in my life.
I am taking more risks and loading down my wagon for the next few weeks to a point where it is not healthy. I will deal with that but right now, I have to take risks with no fear then, depending on how things turn out, make a decision. Yet, for one of the few times in my life, I am not fear ridden. Having been where I have been, sometimes comfort zones are deadly.
I feel that making the move I have has made me able to enjoy being who I am more, without others looking over my shoulder. I feel like I can give more of myself to those that I love.
I am becoming more self aware. I know it may come off as self absorbed but I, as with most NFJs , personally I am an ambivert, am not that way at all. It is how I process things. I can spend quite, productive days in solitude, but not too much. I will overthink then become depressed. It is kind of hard to explain that I am not always the loud one and I usually am not the quite one. If I am the quite one, you can bet something is eating at me.
So as I am becoming more self-aware, I tend to talk about the world from my point of view. For I know all too well, the world doesn’t revolve around me. It is when I stop talking that you should worry.
I found that out the hard way. Rereading my journal for the past little while really shouldn’t be done. For I can not do it with kindness toward myself or others.
So when I am saying ” I” a lot, it is because I am trying to piece things together.
This change came two weeks ago and honestly, I have been more creative, productive, loving and happy. I have found balance in my life again.
All I was praying for was peace. I didn’t have peace. The nightmares were creeping up on a pretty regular basis. I just needed peace. I was almost at the point where I was about to give up.
A few people who still believed in me when I didn’t was what kept me pressing on. I felt like one person in particular was getting frustrated with me. I didn’t want that at all.
They were all trying to tell me that it was time to exit to the left or to the right or to jump out without a parachute yet I was standing there clutching the sides of the doors and hanging on for dear life.
I didn’t know what else I was going to do. I was trying but nothing was happening.
Suddenly, the straw that finally broke the camels hump landed right on me and I was D-O-N-E, done. The right person walked into the room and said here’s where you need to go and what you need to do.
I did. That was me finally saying, I have had enough, time to jump. I had to be willing to jump. It was up to me, stay and die or jump and save myself.
And… I did it. I told my person today that people were way to quick to give up on me. The people who pushed me to this point gave up on me. My loyalty is to my person, my family and my friends. Those people who never gave up on me. My faith is in God. Who knew that the need for peace was something I was humbly asking for and he gave it to me, not in the way I thought but who am I to question it?? I finally have balance, working life and living life.
I told my best friend tonight that I am slow to start but strong to finish.
As my person and I were parting ways this evening, I thanked him for being in my world, subtext, I LOVE YOU and I am glad you hung around during the crappy part of my life, a couple of them even; now for the better part of me.
I may fall flat on my face, but I know I will be flapping my wings and adjusting for the wind. That is how you fly….