Turn Out the Lights the Party’s Over….

Well, I have finished one career and started another.

I am all the emotions all rolled up into one.

I am excited, apprehensive,  sad, happy and somewhat confused.

I am excited to begin a new adventure. I am sad that I won’t see the one friend inside those four walls who was on my side. I am apprehensive that I am starting something that I am I could fail and I am confused how this all came about.

There was a send off for me. It was nice. People came who truly appreciated the service I had given them over 12 years and there were local important people. It was nice. I wasn’t comfortable. In a crowd, I want to be the one on the side lines with the camera in my hand.

Here I was though, on my last day, stand in front of people who were telling stories of how I had affected their lives and stories about how we got raided by the police on night playing “murder in the dark”.

It was endearing, it was fun, it was tough. My parents were there, my person was there, most of the circle was there.

People poured their hearts out. They would cry and I would cry.

It made me wonder, if only briefly, if I had made the right decision. I know I have. It happened way to easy.

After the event was over, my friend helped me carry my gifts to the car. It took us several trips as people were more than generous. I went to my new job for a few hours.

After I got home, was when I started connecting dots I had been kind of watching for several things that just hadn’t added up.

I finally, had a pinpoint on where my trouble had started.

Then I thought about the conversation that started me on this journey to a new career.

It all pointed back to one person who had infiltrated and reported back from their perspective what they thought was going on. Being an honest person, sadly I think everyone else is also. I am wrong.

Here is the part that sucks. I missed it. I was fooled. I am afraid that others got hurt in the process. I know I am hurt. I didn’t keep them protected as I should have.

How do I explain it? I tried today and think that I made things worse. I even went so far as to go back to the person I spoke to about it because I simply thought that it came out too harsh. It was the first time that we talked since I had figured some things out and yes, I am somewhat angry.

Don’t trying to fix something that you know nothing about because someone said something that you didn’t like.

To add insult to injury, the infiltrator is going to apply for the job. I, in my heart of hearts, think this was her motive all the time. She got into my world and into my brain and she used it against me.

One person has once again made my walls go up and I am once again on high alert. Right now, I will keep to myself and keep quite. That is the only way to stay safe right now. Keep yourself in you circle and DO NOT let anyone else in.

I am at the point where I need to grant forgiveness for this needless drama. I can’t let it eat at me. Because being the person I am, it will eat me alive.  I tried to make them happy for way too long with no success. Now it is time to make myself happy for the first time in a long time.


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