It snowed today. I truly love snow. I truly dislike being stuck in the house but the roads are bad and even I have enough sense to stay in.
I detest being stuck in the house when there is a lot on my mind. Right now I have a great deal on my mind. More than I can deal with and not cry.
I had to make a decision to save myself. I was in a situation that was making me miserable and my soul was dying a little more every day.
When the door opened I had to step through. Some things will change but I am also seeing peoples true colors.
I have been beaten down and made to feel incompetent for so long that myself esteem has taken another hit. Since I initiated the change, I have become persona non-grata.
They only want me for what they can get out of me and those close to me.
So today was not the best day to be home alone, stuck in the house and in my head.
Yesterday, I went and did some things for me and for this major leap I am taking.
It is truly a leap of faith. I am scared. The what if’s are kicking in. What if I can’t cut it?
I had to spend all my time today staying out of my own head. I did laundry, I reorganized my movie collection. I picked an actor to watch a marathon of his work. He played an author, a gangster, a lizard and a pirate. I was impressed at the difference in the characters he played.
I painted. It was a simple picture but my goal was to use one canvas, one brush and one color. I accomplished what I set out to do.
I didn’t feel the best today but after passing a physical yesterday, I guess I am just tired. They didn’t find anything major wrong with me. I tried to hydrate more.
Nothing worked. I was still in my own head so bad that it was painful.
So I decided to let the fantasy part of my mind take over. I pushed the doubts and the what if’s out of the way and I just let my mind roam.
I went to a time when mass transit was a steam train. Where every time the engineer blew the whistle it had an effect on me. I could hear the conductor cries of “All Aboard”. I was sitting in an aisle seat dressed in the dress of the day. A corset was hugging my waist, drawing it in pushing things in and up. The burgundy full skirt disguised my wide hips. It also hid the lace garter holding up the fish net stockings that were caressing my legs and the button style ankle boots that were on my feet were black. I wore a wide brimmed had made to match my dress. I saw others on the train.
He was on the train, my person. As he walked down the aisle, he raised his hat and told me that I had his seat. Looking at my ticket I realized I was supposed to be one seat over.
As I slid over into my seat, he asked where I was going. I told him anywhere but here. I asked him where he was headed. His response took me by surprise; anywhere you are.
As we road along, with the train jostling us about from time to time, we talked of books, art and music. Things that would have been discussed during that time. We were connecting on a level that surpassed physical attraction, which was there at least on my part.
As the train pulled into station after station, they never left their seats. When train pulled in for it’s final stop, we both stood, he reached into the overhead compartment and handed me my bag. I asked where his was, he said he didn’t have one. When I asked why, his response was because I like to travel light.
As we left the train, he took my hand. I knew in that moment I had found home or maybe it had found me.
It was a nice little break from the reality in which I live. There is room for fantasy in our lives it’s just that sometimes you have to wade through the ups and downs of real life to get to it. Sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper.