Epic….

So I helped plan an event at work and it was an epic fail…EPIC!!!

There was no time to lament it directly afterward because I had to go to my next job.

When those whom I love asked me about it, I with tears in my eyes told them how terrible it was.

It sucked trying to hold back tears when you just wanted to run into his arms and cry your eyes out but you couldn’t. I got through the shift at my second job and then the tears came.

I lay awake all night ripping it and myself to shreds.

What went wrong? The last event was a huge success. I looked at it from every angle. I literally looked at everything making notes.

I knew, rightly so, that the blame would be laid on my shoulders. It was. I didn’t communicate my plans well enough. They knew I had go out to the schools but the forgot the part about I am taking these posters and invitations. Then the question was asked “Can we change the date”. Nope it is out there.

Something in my soul broke. I had given hours of my life to this and now….

It has been a time to nurse my own soul. I have buried myself in books and classical music. The fun up beat stuff just don’t cut it right now. I am listening to heart music. This morning it was Schubert.  I sat and wrote of my failure in my journal.

I needed an outlet and when you live alone, you feel odd telling the four walls I live in how much of a loser I felt like.

I am doing some things to help myself. There are steps I am taking to do better for me. I need to realize that things are going to go wrong and it might not be anything I did “wrong”. I struggle with that. No one has to criticize me. I will beat myself up enough for everyone else.

I now pick myself up, make changes I need to make for me, hopefully those changes will be profitable.

For now though, that sad little girls sitting there inside me rocking back and forth trying to heal, she needs a little bit of help. I’m all she has, I must attend to her.

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