I started crying last night about 11:00 pm. I had gone to bed and gone to sleep. I woke up thinking about something I saw Christmas day. A grown person told a five year old in a very crushing way that she didn’t want her picture taken with the child’s new camera.
I saw the child crumble.
I didn’t say anything. I took the child into another room so she could take pictures and flash her camera all she wanted.
I didn’t say anything. It wasn’t my place to say anything. It wasn’t my child.
I fumed over it yesterday when the IDG was cleaning house. Last night as I lay in my bed I cried.
I woke up this morning crying and I haven’t stopped all day.
There are tons of things that are swirling around in my head. The one person I want to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, I haven’t heard from much.
I have cried until I feel like I can’t cry anymore and yet the still come.
I think I know what is happening. The hot flashes today kind of let me know why I feel like the most useless person on the planet.
I hate feeling like this. I don’t say much. Maybe I have not been saying enough. I honestly don’t know what is happening to me right now. This one has been bad.
Maybe it is that I have been alone too much over the last few days. Maybe it is because I know tomorrow I have to put on that public face again.
Whatever it is I hope it settles soon, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.